Thursday, July 24, 2008

Is There Really a Choice?

It is 12:50 a.m. and I am drinking coffee.  Weird.  Who does this?  I'll tell you who...
a mommy and/or nighttime security guard.  I am one of these.

Tonight, me and some friends gathered to watch a movie.  When the movie was over at 11:30p.m. and people went home, Nick got in bed, as would anyone who has to get up and go to work the next day.  But I am staying up.  The babies have to eat at 2a.m. and if I go to sleep now it will just be painful to wake up from one hour of sleep.  Plus, I have almost an entire wardrobe of laundry to do and a kitchen to be cleaned so I figured why even try to go to sleep between now and then?  I even volunteered to do the 5a.m. feeding as well.  Usually we do one or the other but I also took into account that 2-3 hours of slumber interrupted then followed by 2-3 more hours of sleep is just silly.  I would rather take the 2 and 5 feedings, let Nick do 8 a.m. which means I get to sleep from 5:30a.m. till 11:00a.m. then wake up and feel completely recharged right?  Wrong, but this is being a new parent.

There is also the fact that I am writing this post in the dark on the back porch.  Typically I would be afraid to be alone outside at such a late hour but with being a parent comes courage.  Courage to take on new life and responsibilities.  Courage to not refer to someone who might know better and just learn through trial and error.  Courage to put one's own wants and needs aside for the well being of another and courage to just accept the unknown.

Every day presents new challenges and new hopes.  Everyone asks me, "what will you do when it is time to go back to work?"  This is the question that I have to answer with a big FAT "I don't know."  My head says I have to find some way to bring in the money but my heart says my babies need me here with them.  If you are the praying type please continue to lift up my family regarding this matter.  I have never wanted something so badly as to be a stay at home mommy.  No one can love them like I can and no one can care for them like I do.  I am reminded of Moses' mother who put her baby in a basket and let him travel down the river to somewhere she trusted that God would take care of her son.  Can you imagine how painful and terrifying that would be?  How did she agree to do that?  We all know the story of Moses and how he became a great leader and messenger of God but only because His mother had the choice.  If only I had such faith to "let go and let God" - a common phrase taught to me by my own mother when I was a struggling teen.  

It doesn't seem that there are many options for the care taking of my babies at this time.  Daycare is too expensive and the thought of someone coming into my home to raise my children just breaks my heart.  I am not immediately faced with the difficult choice of returning to work or walking away but the time will come.  A close friend of mine told me, "watch Him work, leave all of the consequences to Him."  Do you in your own heart know that this amazing God we worship knows our desires and has a plan? It is a risk to say that I believe He will work this out because to actually say it is to also take the chance of having to admit that His plan may be opposite from my desires.  It makes me shudder to think of it... I mean really think of it.  But after all isn't this what "blind faith" is all about?


Footprints Ministry said...

So this is the verse that struck me when reading your post. I know whatever the will of God is for your family whether to work or not work it will be done. I know I've said this before but your faith is amazing! As this verse says continue to seek him and he will give you what you need.

25 “That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn’t life more than food, and your body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are? 27 Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?

28 “And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, 29 yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. 30 And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?

31 “So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ 32 These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. 33 Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.
Matthew 6:25-32

LMilky said...

Wow. Does anyone remember my posts from "Bed Rest blogging" where I told you all that Nick read Matthew 6 to me every night while I was in the hospital? These verses brought comfort to me when I was unsure how all of the pre-eclampsia and having the babies would go. And now they are showing up again through Footprints. God doesn't want me to forget his promise :*)

Stephanie said...

Hey Laura, about being a parent and being brave - my friend and I were saying this week how being a parent makes you grow up. You don't get to have a fit anymore. And accepting the unknown - that's so true.

About the rest - you know what I think.=)