Thursday, July 24, 2008
Is There Really a Choice?
It is 12:50 a.m. and I am drinking coffee. Weird. Who does this? I'll tell you who...
a mommy and/or nighttime security guard. I am one of these.
Tonight, me and some friends gathered to watch a movie. When the movie was over at 11:30p.m. and people went home, Nick got in bed, as would anyone who has to get up and go to work the next day. But I am staying up. The babies have to eat at 2a.m. and if I go to sleep now it will just be painful to wake up from one hour of sleep. Plus, I have almost an entire wardrobe of laundry to do and a kitchen to be cleaned so I figured why even try to go to sleep between now and then? I even volunteered to do the 5a.m. feeding as well. Usually we do one or the other but I also took into account that 2-3 hours of slumber interrupted then followed by 2-3 more hours of sleep is just silly. I would rather take the 2 and 5 feedings, let Nick do 8 a.m. which means I get to sleep from 5:30a.m. till 11:00a.m. then wake up and feel completely recharged right? Wrong, but this is being a new parent.
There is also the fact that I am writing this post in the dark on the back porch. Typically I would be afraid to be alone outside at such a late hour but with being a parent comes courage. Courage to take on new life and responsibilities. Courage to not refer to someone who might know better and just learn through trial and error. Courage to put one's own wants and needs aside for the well being of another and courage to just accept the unknown.
Every day presents new challenges and new hopes. Everyone asks me, "what will you do when it is time to go back to work?" This is the question that I have to answer with a big FAT "I don't know." My head says I have to find some way to bring in the money but my heart says my babies need me here with them. If you are the praying type please continue to lift up my family regarding this matter. I have never wanted something so badly as to be a stay at home mommy. No one can love them like I can and no one can care for them like I do. I am reminded of Moses' mother who put her baby in a basket and let him travel down the river to somewhere she trusted that God would take care of her son. Can you imagine how painful and terrifying that would be? How did she agree to do that? We all know the story of Moses and how he became a great leader and messenger of God but only because His mother had the choice. If only I had such faith to "let go and let God" - a common phrase taught to me by my own mother when I was a struggling teen.
It doesn't seem that there are many options for the care taking of my babies at this time. Daycare is too expensive and the thought of someone coming into my home to raise my children just breaks my heart. I am not immediately faced with the difficult choice of returning to work or walking away but the time will come. A close friend of mine told me, "watch Him work, leave all of the consequences to Him." Do you in your own heart know that this amazing God we worship knows our desires and has a plan? It is a risk to say that I believe He will work this out because to actually say it is to also take the chance of having to admit that His plan may be opposite from my desires. It makes me shudder to think of it... I mean really think of it. But after all isn't this what "blind faith" is all about?