Thursday, April 24, 2008

I was going to call this one "Long weekend plans" but it really turned into a Rant...

Well tomorrow is a "weather day" for MPS meaning out of all the really bad weather days we had this school year we didn't evacuate or stay home during any of them so we get the day off tomorrow. Yay for us. This means that I have Friday, Saturday, and Sunday off and I am loving it. I have frequent and sometimes bitter jealousy for those of you who don't have to work and so I suppose that there are some that harbor the same feelings for school employees who only work 182 days of the 365 day year. So I really shouldn't complain about my job if what I really want is not to work at all. That makes me sound REALLY spoiled and I don't want to sound that way. Being a mother of two to be WILL be a job - payed or not.

The truth is, "stay at home mom" has been on my mind a lot lately. Why is it for some and why is it not? How come there are women who dream of the ability to stay home and raise their babies but financially this just seems impossible. On the other hand there are women whose husbands make more than enough to make ends meet but they would rather be in the "corporate world" paying someone else to take care of their children? It just doesn't seem fair. I always joke with my sister (the not so maternal type who isn't sure if she wants kids) that she will marry some CEO millionaire and never "have" to work and get to stay home with her kids, however, I, with all of my morning walks/ finger painting/ cookie baking fantasies will probably be the one who looks 50 when I'm 30 due to working full time and raising twins and more (?)

I guess it all boils down to perspective. We ALL have something we are complaining about which causes us to grumble. I read a hand full of blogs and receive Facebook prayer requests for situations far more urgent and serious than my "problems." CKJ blogged about choosing joy even in the midst of our pain. She is right.

Most people don't understand until they truly fall in love that Love is not just a feeling... it is a choice. I think Joy works the same way. I may FEEL sluggish, tired, worried, apprehensive, ready for my prayers to be answered, and frustrated with friends or family that don't understand me but at the end of the day... actually at the beginning or the day, I have the choice to be Joyful or not to be.

Have you ever really contemplated the complexity and bizarreness of what causes emotions - both mental and physical? Think about it. You can be watching The Office and hear something you think is funny and start to laugh - maybe a chuckle or maybe you laugh so hard you start that "smoker's cough" sound that makes your say "oh my ga , whoooo" and grab your side. You can be driving and someone cuts you off or in a grocery story where the cashier is rude and you feel mad - maybe your ears get hot or heart starts beating fast or you think awful things about that person you would never say to them. Or, you can be driving and listening to music all alone in your car and be overwhelmed with gratitude and your eyes start to tear up all because of a line and melody played in a song - you feel peaceful and as it God sent that message just to you at the exact moment when you needed to hear it. Or, you can avoid confronting an emotion or feeling because you don't think you have control over a situation and then something totally unrelated happen and it is what causes you to blow up or "take it out on someone else" and forces you to deal with your pain.

I have read that tears are the bodies physical sign of flushing out emotional stress or pain that has built up or can be the result of when something euphoric happens that is too much for the body to handle- both physical reactions to emotional overloads. I believe this and I am also a crier. I don't understand people who don't cry. I literally think that would be painful to not be able to cry. I see it in my students all of the time. Little boys being picked on or yelled at by a teacher... they bite their lip, clench their fists, and by looking into their eyes you can tell they go someplace entirely away from the reality of where they stand... that whole blocking out thing.

Did God plan for us to not be able to remember our years when we were the weakest and most emotional - out infant and toddler years? What determined when we began to bank memories? I have a memory from when I was two years old of riding my tricycle down the long hallway at my mom and dad's Old Cloverdale apartment. I can remember the sunlight from the back door bouncing off of the wooden floors and causing a "tunnel like" effect and looking up and seeing pictures on the walls. My mom challenges that being a memory because I was so young (no more than 2.5 years) yet at the same time my memory matches the description of the house. What is even cooler is that 20 years later I lived in the apartment just above my families and actually got to revisit that hallway many times. SG bogged about her first memory of "beautiful" - sunlight pouring through glass jars while she was painting. When our 2.5 year old niece came to visit last weekend and she played outside with Ali and the slide I wondered if she would remember that day.

And to think we are about to bring two precious baby girls into this world and help them create memories... as well as memories for ourselves.


The Bean said...

It's amazing how different events in our lives change our perspectives and feelings. I was never one of those girls that dreamed of getting married and having kids. I never dreamed of being a mom. In fact, when Mr. Bean and I met/got married we both said if we had kids great but if we didn't have kids it didn't really matter to either of us. Then we had Baby Bean and because of Mr. Bean's upbringing it was very important to him that one of us be able to raise our children at home. I never really put much thought into it but now that I have done it I can't imagine life without Baby Bean let alone spending every moment of every day with her. I miss the work world, the adult conversation, the feeling of accomplishment you get when you complete a task in which you've been trained to do. Then I hear Baby Bean spell her name or sing the ABCs or count how many plastic eggs she has in her little basket she carries around the house and I can't imagine missing that.

My biggest confounding thought now is how I am going to be able to love another child as much as I love her. It's hard for me to imagine. I know I will it's just that until that time comes it's so hard to imagine.

Maybe I should have made this a post. Would have been a bit more interesting that my usual garbldy gook. :)

LMilky said...

well then you are the perfect example of someone I don't understand why gets to stay home and not me :(

Mary Tyler S. said...

If you do choose to go back to work, then I would say you would have TWO jobs (only one being paid)! I'm glad you ranted about this and spoke so transparently about how you are feeling about this work situation. Don't ever say you sound spoiled, because that is redic. It's completely normal to be feeling the way you do. I have faith that everything will work out as it should and for right now, "some of God's greatest gifts, are UN-answered prayers". Don't stress...

Love to all 5,
Harper and Lily's favorite Untee

The Bean said...

I'm sorry if my situation angers you but I know things will work out for you the way they are supposed to.

Love you

LMilky said...

No No No not angry! you SHOULD be at home if you can be! i didn't mean my comment to sound catty. i was talking to you more or less like my sister, well cause you are ;)

The Bean said...

I know, that's why I like you. We can take straight forward comments and opinions from each other with no hard feelings. Obviously from some of the questions we've asked each other in the past. i.e. over Christmas break at our house and some of our card game discussions. :) I won't repeat them. ;)

Stephanie said...

Wow you said a lot in one post. First, yes, I completely agree with you. Happiness, joy, peace - they are all learned skills. Paul says, "I have LEARNED to be content in plenty or in want ...." I learned the most about this during our homeless and chaotic year. I wanted so much that I didn't have, but I was also given so much more than I could have imagined ... it was hard to grumble with a straight face in light of all that God was doing for us. So, yeah, I think you're right. We do choose our responses to life.

About being a stay-at-home mom, well, you've heard my story. I was like you are now. I had not spent all of my life waiting on it, but after waiting so long to have a child, I could not imagine giving up the time with him. I just didn't want someone else shaping who he was that much. It was a selfish decision in many ways - I think he would be fine either way, but I didn't want to miss out on seeing it happen. Staying at home is just like anything else though - there are moments when I think, what in the WORLD am I doing right now with my life? and moments that I can't imagine anything else. Overall, though, as you know, I love it. But you're right; we are both working full time (in many ways, I work harder now than I ever did as an employee). It's just that one of us makes better money than the other. ;)

Either way, in just a few months, you're going to have two sweet little girls (and a very pink world) who will build all of their own experiences and emotions and memories. And whether you take them to "school" in the morning or take them for a walk in the morning, you will be their mom, and, for a time, the most important person in their life. You will be the one who remembers and cares about all of their firsts.

You have a lot to look forward to.

LMilky said...

thanks Steph. I agree with you wholeheartedly... we have a lot to look forward to. BTW, the nursery is green, the bedding is green, choco. brown, and white. We did this for two reasons: we like earth tones and we knew everyone would buy us pink and purple!