Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Well I had a melt down of sorts today. Not a big one with pouting and tears and "why me" and all that. Just a little one. One that comes with a sudden need to be alone and quiet and not needed - sounds really really selfish right? It didn't take long. An hour or so. And in that time I sat on out guest bed, then I took a bath. I thought and thought and thought. Melt downs don't come often but but boy when they do...
The day started out as days around here usually do. Got the kids up and coffee poured and started in on chore 1, 2, and 3. Then, all of a sudden, I hit a wall where I asked "am I doing enough?" For myself? More importantly for my children? It all boils down to this simple fact:
I am not a "stay at home mom" by definition so pretending to be one for 8 weeks in the summer time has had it's ups and suddenly today, it's takes DOWN - Ironically on the exact same day that I patted myself on the back for letting my kids watch T.V and in the same boast bragged that my kids don't suffer from watching too much T.V. And that is still a true fact. But what I am noticing is that in these 8 weeks my kids have gotten entirely t-totally attached to ME... literally. I cannot hold one enough. I cannot play with ONE enough, not to mention both of them. I cannot feed them enough - exhibited when Lily gets bored she asks to "EAT!" Now, even when I close the door to use the restroom I see two little shadows under the door and hear whimpers of Mama? Mama? Mama? while I say, "Mama needs privacy! Be patient" When the truth is, it is hard for me to keep mine... this being "needed" all day, every minute of the day.
There are a lot of women out there who pout and gripe about not being able to stay at home with their kids which is a really nice way to say "not work." I can even remember sitting at my parents' kitchen table while the twins were in the NICU literally crying on the table because Nick and I couldn't find a financial way to let me stay home with them. And now, I thank God for it. I love my kids. I love spending time with my kids and I love parenting them. More. Than. Anyone. Will. Ever. Know.
But here is the thing... I know a couple of stay at home moms and they do the job supremely well. And you know what I have learned? Being a "stay at home mom" means rarely do you stay at home. You see, my girls are 2 years old now... they are learning and growing and "waking up" so to speak. I emailed a stay at home mom friend today and said, "it is almost as if H&L are growing too big for our house." That isn't it she reassured me...
They need to get out... they want to get out. They don't know that is what they need... but it is. It is really hard to admit all of this because I feel... FAILURE. And trust me, I am NOT looking for a wash of sympathy or encouragement in posting all of this. If anything, I hope that someone is reading this and saying, "yea... me too, whew."
It isn't like we sit around and eat cereal all day. We DO STUFF. But I reached a point today in realizing that they just aren't babies anymore. They are little people. That is why I am excited to be more creative in the coming weeks while I am still playing "stay at home mom." And because I do have to go back to work in 2 weeks I am really blessed and excited for them to go to a Mother's Day Out program at our church in 6 weeks.
I can't count the number of times I thought about erasing this post and just shutting up... but that wouldn't be keeping it real... sharing the baby steps.