Friday, March 21, 2008

Rest and Expectations...

I have chosen to put my life on constant slow motion for the time being. What this means is that I am participating in everything I do with purpose and full attention. I had a realization the other day while I was resting that up until now my life has really been moving fast. I'll set up the image for you: 6 p.m. ish, lying in bed, classical music playing on the night stand, facing the bedroom window and watching the day turn to dusk. I had this overwhelming feeling of, "Oh my God, I have already graduated college, fallen in love, picked out a wedding dress, gotten married ( i have sex?), buried my grandmother, bought a house, now I am pregnant... PREGNANT."

In high school I would lay in bed and wonder what it would be like to do ALL of these things. What would I be when I grew up? I pictured what would my husband be like? What would living with him and being intimate with him be like? Would marriage be like Mary Stewart Masterson and Christian Slater in "Bed of Roses" or Elizabeth McGovern and Kevin Bacon in "She's Having a Baby"? Where would our first home be? I would put a pillow in my t-shirt and walk around my room and stare at myself in the mirror thinking that it would be a million years before this would actually be real. My senior year of college I walked with a friends across the Quad at the U of A and we both stood there saying, "One day we will live here and walk this everyday to classes! And we will have boyfriends!!!" We could not imagine changes so drastic!

Back to now... Here I am having accomplished all of my dreams; the outcomes so much greater than I could have ever expected or configured on my own. The Lord has blessed me beyond my comprehension. He has led my weak hand through the darkest of times and the brightest. Yet it has all happened so fast. I think maybe even faster than my level of maturity has even been able to handle. So now, I acknowledge this and opt for change.

I no longer feel guilty if I stay in bed until 10 a.m. There is just as much to enjoy here with a cup of coffee and a great book than there is to enjoy outside or at the grocery store "getting things done." I don't get irritated if the dishwasher is full of dirty dishes and the sink is too... just push "start." The floors need mopping and the bath tub definitely needs scrubbing but it's nothing to get upset about. I would love to play Phase 10 with Nick and listen to itunes instead of balancing the checkbook - it really can wait until tomorrow. I love to browse Target with LJM - I won't die if supper gets put off another hour. I really should not hate myself if none of the clothes I wore 3 years ago fit anymore. I love to call and see how Mama is doing - even if I do interrupt her daytime soap. And how fun is texting my sister everyday? Who knew we would end up being friends? I love checking and writing blogs and commenting - it really is good for my soul. I love getting in bed and watching Nick lean down to my tummy and listening to him tell our children what baseball is.

Being able to slow down and see what the important parts of life are and enjoy them is a learned skill. I used to feel guilty about taking days off at work. A dear friend of mine at work has told me repeatedly, "Mrs. M. that school will be there much longer than you will." And it's true.

So I am in slow motion now, resting and expecting.

This is a great lyric from John Mayer's song "The Heart of Life" that came to my mind as I wrote this post:
"Pain throws your heart to the ground.
Love turns the whole thing around.
Fear is a friend who's misunderstood, but I know the heart of life is good."

And now a few amazing pictures from Thursday's appointment. We are having two girls by the way :)


luke said...

whilst obviously not in the same boat as you (that's the preggers boat), i've been working on the "slowing down" aspect of life here lately as well.

it used to be that i would spend every waking moment of my days off or the hours before i went in to work on a late shift constantly fretting about what needed to be done next and what other errands had to be done.

and then one day, it just clicked: i'm not taking a damn bit of time to myself. i shouldn't be spending my time off alone to accomplish things just for the sake of accomplishing them. because more than likely, i'd look at the end of the day and realize i was as exhausted as if i had actually worked that day.

perhaps this is a by-product of us getting a wee bit older, Mrs. M. and i don't think i would argue with that at all.

jac and i see ourselves as a very motivated, career-driven couple. and i think sometimes, we feel our friends see that as a fault of ours, and sometimes we see that it is a potential flaw. we're now almost a year and a half along in our marriage and are ready to really start considering "the future," as it were.

LMilky said...

thanks for the comment Lukie :*) comforting to know that this quarter life crisis feeling is "normal." -and being career driven is NO flaw, just inconvenient to those who wish we could see you more :)

LMilky said...

Luke..p.s. does "the future as it were" mean babies too? ;)

Mary said...

It's always good to slow down whenever possible. Sometimes it just feels like life is passing us by. I admire your concerted effort to take it all in.

AND that is SO EXCITING about girls!!!! Between you, ali carrie & two baby girls, Nick will need to be in all our prayers I'm sure! That's a lot of girls.

The Bean said...

I love all your new pictures. The baby ones and your belly at 19 weeks. The first ultrasound picture in the line up is my favorite but I love that you can see them both in there together in other one. You can clearly see them living in there together so peaceful. Amazing!

Nick M. said...

It is so great for ME to see you at this stage of your life. When we got married you were not the same person as you are now and that is absolutely a good thing. You weren't bad before but you are getting more where you should be to be able to sit back and enjoy life's moments.

I love you and I love this post that you wrote!

Stephanie said...

Look at those two perfect babies. What a blessing.

I've been thinking/ talking about this lately too. My pastor's wife actually said the same thing last night (and she has a large family, so she really can speak with some authority about it) - she mentioned taking time to do the important things, and to enjoy your kids at whatever stage they're in. There's always more laundry or dishes to do. But that time, you can't get back.

Carrie said...

Laura, what a beautiful post! I love that John Mayer song and I play it a lot in that kind of reflective mood. I am so excited about the girls!! How exciting.

Liz said...

Laura, this is a beautiful post!!! I'm so glad that you have learned to enjoy the day, to be thankful for the people around you and to just soak it all up! Thanks for sharing - its a good reminder for me :)

Cindy said...

Beautiful post! I don't know you - just a friend of Steph's that stumbled on your blog. Love the commentary and reflection. Congrats on your two new girls!

Eleanor said...

Your daughters are BEAUTIFUL!!! I hope they have your sweet spirit and Nick's "I know everything but I'm not tellin'" smirk.

You posted this on MY baby's 21st birthday.

Time moves quite quickly enough -- enjoy every quiet moment you have, and then enjoy all the NOISY time you'll have, because when it all gets quiet again you'll be like me... standing here wondering where did all that time GO?