Wednesday, September 05, 2007

My Broken Heart

It has been difficult for me to find the motivation to write lately due to my broken heart.
For twenty years I have watched one side of my family struggle hard. Divorce, indifference, lies, broken promises, threats, and now drug and alcohol abuse are ruining my loved one's lives...and I am watching it happen first hand.
It is so ironic...one of my favorite shows on A&E is "Intervention" and on Tuesday an intervention is just what I was a part of. This intervention was a result of seeing the most horrific scene I have ever seeen in my life...in my father's living room on Monday night. For two hours I watched as someone I love, while under the influence of alcohol, prescription drugs, dope, and rage, ripped through furniture and my father's arms and my arms and my sister's arms while foaming at the mouth all because he doesn't know how to deal with his pain. It took a grown man and myself to keep my brother from leaping across the room to slap his mother for asking what is wrong?. In between each outburst of blame and profanity, suicide threats, and cursing God, my brother, who I love so much and can still remember as the blonde little boy who wanted to be Peter Pan on our living room couch, would just fall to his knees and tremble as he cried. He is clearly someone battling huge demons inside. By the end of the night, my 60 year old father was soaking wet and pale as a ghost. I never want to see what I saw again and pray that I will be able to forget the images of the two men I love so much rolling in the wet grass and again on the living room floor and my red faced brother in a headlock begging for one of us to kill him. Here is the most devestating part...on Tuesday he refused the intervention. He is 22 years old and doesn't believe he has a problem. He insists that maybe he "just shouldn't drink if it makes him that crazy." He says he is in school and that he won't drink any more and that he is "fine." And everyone else involved, except me, is accepting that answer. "Well maybe it won't happen again", "He knows what he did was wrong" "Let's just see how he does" is what I am hearing from the same people that watched what I saw.
Brother if you are reading this just know that I am your biggest fan and want to see you get the help you need and deserve, no matter what anyone else says or thinks.
And some of you are probably thinking "why would she write all of this? I would never!?!" Because...the internet is so...public? And my answer is I have no idea why but I didn't want to bullshit through some topic I didn't really care about when I knew what was actually on my mind. Most of the people reading this are some of my best friends anyway and so I just thought you should know.

5 comments:

Madame Rubies said...

I have posted things publically that some would not as well. I just believe in being genuine. How can anyone help bare our burdens if we do not share them? (((HUGS)))

jackie said...

It takes a lot of love to organize an intervention. Even if it may not seem that it had an impact you have given him a lot to think about. Change may come slowly, but at least you've started a dialogue with him about his addictions. My prayers are with you and your family (now and always). much love.

Eleanor said...

Hugs to you and your family and your brother, Laura, and many prayers as well.

You have planted a seed, I can assure you. At some level, your brother knows how very much he is loved, and how very much his family is willing to fight for him.

I'll be keeping you all in my thoughts.

Nick M. said...

I love you! I'm always here.

Jason said...

I am glad you posted .....Getting it out maybe is the best thing for you to do right now ....