Sympathy and Will

It is hard to write this post because there really is no way that I can understand the feelings and emotions that the Ramer family of Opp is going through and I certainly don't want to belittle their story or make it into a freak show. If anything I just want to post my support of their feelings and to say honestly, I am praying for them.

Thursday, a friend of mine called me to ask for prayers. A child-hood friend of hers was at home, watching T.V. and went to check on her two year old twins, one boy and one girl. What she found changed her life forever. Both babies had managed to sneak out of the house and drown in the family swimming pool. This all happened Wednesday and today both babies are in Heaven. When Tara told me this news on Thursday... before it was on T.V. or in any newspapers my heart sunk. I haven't been able to shake this blues feeling for the mother and father that are missing their babies. And for the mother especially who must be blaming herself. God Bless you Ramer family.

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I struggle a lot with the big question "why?" In my own life and certainly in tragedies like these. I never asked "why" until my own children were born prematurely last summer and I didn't know if they would live. It is a big big world and there is a lot of suffering that we don't want to imagine and can't explain. And people say, "It is God's will" but I don't believe that. I don't believe that God WILLS sick babies or fatal accidents or suicides. When we look at Genesis we see that God willed a perfect place for humans to live... no shame, no wants, no needs, except to live in harmony with Him and His creation. But, as the story goes on, Satan came in, tempted, convinced, and ruined that perfect will. We messed up and stepped outside that perfect will. And we have been living outside of it ever since. To me, I guess, that is why.

So then, "why didn't he change it or stop whatever from happening, why me?" Well... I tell myself... he didn't stop it from happening to His own son... why would He stop it from happening to me? I am not saying that everything is left to chance... I am saying I don't know how it happens... why some people are healed and some people aren't. Why some people are fed and some are starving? I don't know and I'll never know... it is WAY too big for my little brain to understand. I have to be careful not to let myself think that one day the "other shoe will drop." Nick says I am bad about that-cruising through life thinking, "this is all going too good... surely something bad is going to happen to me." But it has worked before... when I was pregnant I was cleaning my kitchen one day and thought, "two babies girls inside of me... this is too good to be true, Lord, I am scared." Didn't I know something was about to happen? When I had them at 27 weeks and looked at their 1 and 2 pound bodies in the incubator I thought to myself, "I knew it, I knew it Lord! It was too good to be true." All I could do was hang on and watch what was going to happen next. That is really what this earthly life is... watching each day unfold and doing the best we can to contribute to what is "good." It is not waiting for the other shoe to drop (how miserable to live a life so paranoid?) Jesus said, "I have told you these things so that in me you will have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world" (John 16:33).

It comforts me to know that Jesus knew His purpose and His fate from the start of His life. He was not afraid or bitter or angry. If only I could have that faith, to touch the hem of His garment and live in that peace for a moment... for the rest of my life... to teach my children to live that way...