baby steps

Potty

2011-06-10T14:46:00.000-07:00

Recently, my mother made the snarky remark that "the girls should be potty trained by now, they are five!" ( love you mom! )

No. They are three.

A list of good reasons that I waited till 3:

-they can follow multistep directions

-they can intelligibly verbalize their wants and needs

-they respond well to positive praise

-they can help clean up

A list of bad reasons to wait till 3:

-i can't think of any bad reasons

-and no, it isn't the "sick of changing diapers argument," at this age, we were only changing diapers 2 or 3 times per day which was the clearest indicator that they were ready to be transitioned to toilet

I began this journey, technically, the day after Memorial Day, by ditching diapers, foregoing pull-ups, and putting them straight into panties. I heard so many versions of the "best way to potty train" and found that, like all other parenting techniques, my way is the best way :)

And I don't mean that I am 100% correct about everything I do as I parent, I mean that what works for us works for us. So, 11 days since I started this endeavor, H&L are using their potties at home AND using public potties when prompted, and yes, wearing a pull up at night and during naps. At first I used M&M's but now I don't have to. They like using the potty, amen.

However, what's an occasional sugar-free treat as reinforcement going to hurt?

NADA!

Simon Peter

2011-06-04T20:36:00.001-07:00

Was Jesus' friend. When Jesus asked, "Who do you think I am?" Peter was the only disciple brave enough to answer back, "God's Son, the Messiah." Then Jesus said, "On this rock I will build my church." Matthew 16:18

This is the simple story that I told over breakfast this morning with H&L. I read the story and showed them the black and white line drawing of cartoon illustrated Jesus and Peter. Checking for comprehension I asked, "who is this?" and Harper said, "is Jesus." Then I pointed to Peter and said, "and who is this?" and Harper said, "is two Jesuses!" Not quite baby, but I'm sure there is a lesson in omnipotence there somewhere, right?

Anyway, I repeated Jesus' declare and asked them to say it with me. My three year old girls repeated, "On this rock I build my church!" and it occurred to me, "why is this the first time I have requested that they repeat Scripture back to me?" It seems like they are having fun and their words are intelligible...

Oh yea, because they are three.

But it also occurred to me that now is the perfect time. In the same way that they love and adore the idea of going to the beach or to the park to feed the ducks, they love and adore "Jesus." Why not foster this love and adoration? And how appropriate is it that the first verse that they lock into their memories and hearts be, "On this rock I will build my Church?"

Such a precious moment in my day.

Thank you Peter for your bravery.

Thank you Jesus for your Church.

Summer Staples

2011-06-03T11:17:00.000-07:00

Apparently, blogging is not dead!

Thank you, to all of my stranger comments on my last post, and thank you to old friends who say, " Why don't you ever post anymore!?"

Summer is here. For me that means HOME, for 10 nice long weeks. So many home projects to start alongside raising two blossoming three year old girls. A short list of things to come:

1.) Read

Yesterday I joined the Montgomery Public library and walked out with Saving Cee Cee Honeycutt by Beth Hoffman. The perfect summer read and only 46 pages in I am hooked already. A "coming of age" story set in the deep South, 1960's, about a girl whose mother has died which forces her to move in with her Aunt Tootie. Beth Hoffman really gets me with passages such as,

Later that night, while Momma was asleep on the sofa, I searched through a chest of drawers in her bedroom until I found the strand of pearls she kept tucked inside a pink satin pouch. After pulling an old doily from beneath a lamp and grabbing a Christmas candle from a box in the closet, I went into the bedroom and closed the door. I bobby-pinned the doily to my head, lit the candle, and got down on my knees by the window. Though I wasn't sure exactly what to do, I gazed into the sky and rubbed the pearls between my fingers until they grew nice and warm.

2.) Simplify and give away

closets

drawers

toy bins

fridges

finances

3.) Run

The Atlanta Peachtree Road Race on July 4th with my friends Mary and Lane.

4.) Rest

If I can convince my three year old twins that naps are good then I shalt not let the pot call the kettle black...

5.) Repeat

5k Tuesday

2011-02-01T18:29:00.000-08:00

A LONG time ago I posted about beginning the "Couch to 5 K" program. At the time I was doubtful and, honestly, not really looking forward to doing the whole running thing. I could jog 3-5 minutes then have to walk and dreaded the next jogging interval. I stuck with it though! If you are not a "runner" then don't tune out just yet...

Within 2 weeks I could feel my body changing and my ability to strengthen actually happening! Short 3-5 minute jogging intervals began to turn into 7-9 minutes intervals and there were times that I didn't even want to stop, even going uphill. I am amazed by the human body on so many levels.

I have survived two serious car accidents (neither time was I wearing a seat belt), recovered from several surgeries, given birth, gained weight, lost the weight, and am now running an average of 9 miles a week. I have never felt better, both in body and in spirit.

At the end of January I participated in my first 5k race in Prattville. It was a beautiful yet COLD day. I ran the first 16 minutes and needed to slow down the middle part of the race by going back to intervals. I managed to run the final mile and cross the finish line in under 38 minutes. As cliche as it sounds it really was the most gratifying to participate and finish rather than win.

As I got closer to the tape I look over and saw my prize: the man of my dreams and beautiful babies cheering for "Mommy."

Looking forward to:

Polar Bear Run

Resurrection Run

Footprints to the Finish-line

4th of July "I Run for the Party"

Interested in getting off the couch? Check this out:

Couch to 5k

A Mother's Spiritual Moments

2010-12-08T10:54:00.000-08:00

My babies have been SICK this week. It all started early Saturday morning, about 3:30a.m. when one child woke up with a fever. The next day, the other baby caught it and currently both are suffering from upper respiratory infections and their regular seasonal asthma. They are pretty pitiful but illness is no stranger to them and dealing with it is no stranger, or enemy, to me.

Since Saturday, I haven't left the house, except to go to the pediatrician's office twice and pharmacy to pick up antibiotics, steroids, and cold and cough OTC meds. I have not put on make-up in all this time. I have showered twice...maybe three times. I haven't talked to anyone except through text messages and emails. Last night was the first night in 4 that I got uninterrupted sleep. My "routine" feels like a juggling act:

wipe a nose

change a diaper

give breathing treatments and meds.

clean up spilled juice

find the wipes

fold the laundry

has it been 4-6 hours yet? give meds.

bleach the counter tops

wipe a nose

change a diaper

read a story

cover up a baby with a blanket

has it been 3-4 hours yet? give breathing treatments and meds.

bleach the counter tops

repeat

There was a time in my life when I didn't have enough "sick days" in my "sick bank" to feel no pressure or guilt about staying home with sick babies. I would feel sick to my stomach thinking about work I was missing, paychecks getting smaller, and people at my job that would resent my multiple days off per nine weeks.

I worried. all. time. time.

Y'all. That fear and that worry is gone. Did you know that God promises to bless every little area that we worry about and not only take care of it but provide abundantly? I'll tell you an example. Two years ago, Harper was hospitalized for RSV and pneumonia. This was the winter after I returned from maternity leave so I had no paid leave to take. I emailed all of my teacher friends begging for donations for "sick days." I wasn't getting any responses and had reached a point where I was getting angry. Nick called to tell me goodnight - I was at home taking care of Lily while he stated in the hospital with Harper. I told him how I was feeling and he assured me that God was working it all out. 5 minutes later I had a call on my cell phone from an unknown number. I answered and heard an unfamiliar voice on the other end. A girl I had met two or three times through another friend was calling to tell me that her husband had taken a job in Mississippi and that she would be leaving her teaching job at the end of the year... and that she had 15 sick days to give me. I will never forget being unable to speak, wiping away tears. I thanked her as best as I could, laid my baby down in her bed, walked to my bedroom, got down on my knees, and said, "shame on my Lord, please forgive me, for doubting you."

Both of my children were hospitalized again the following year and now this little setback... and I have the days, because of her gift, my answered prayer.

Anyway, I had a spiritual moment today because in between bleaching and wiping, I was sitting on the floor with my sick children playing pretend tea party, listening to Christmas music for the first time this season, and just breathed in and out thinking, "wow, what a gift to be home, to be mommy, to be free from worry, to be getting to spend three days with these beautiful children in their time of need."

As I type I am sitting in my old red chair beside the Christmas tree, listening to Celtic Christmas music and basking in the meaning of the season which is "peace on Earth."

Peace starts small. in your heart. in your home. in your relationships. out in your community. to other people in this big big world.

I tell you this one example of giving and peace in my life to hopefully give you a little encouragement this time of year in case you are worrying or depressed about something going on that feels impossible. Do you believe in miracles? They happen everyday. Christmas is about expecting great things, so much more than what's wrapped under the tree.

Bird-days and Content-ness

2010-11-07T10:38:00.000-08:00

This morning I was riding with my family of four to church. We don't play the radio during these thirty minute trips to "the Preferred City" (a nearby town, not the name of our Church, for all of you non Montgomerians.) We don't play the music stations or talk radio so that our family can talk. Having 2.5 year old twins means that Nick and I are doing most of the listening but you get what I am saying. Between the car ride and Sunday school there were some pretty good conversations. I'll fill you in on a couple.

Lily is obsessed right now with "birthdays." Anything birthday. Pointing out that candles have fire and cakes have candles and candles go on cakes and cakes are for birthdays. Singing the months of the year song at night and hearing me tell which family members' (immediate and extended family and friends) birthdays are in what months. The Birthday Song. We sing the Birthday Song to Campbell, to Rosemary, to Haddie, to Nini, to Mommy, to Daddy & sometimes... "to fill in the blank with a non-living object" such as, "happy birthday to time-out." If the thought has crossed Lil's mind during the day, then it deserves to be wished a "happy birthday" at night time before bed, after we read the Sharing Book.

Well, this morning, on the way to church, Lily started asking "Mama sing happ-ee bird-day?" I said, "Lily it is not anyone's birthday today, let's sing something else. We will sing "happy birthday" to Daddy on Wednesday because Wednesday is Daddy's birthday." Oops. Since I told that little true fact, and it is now 12:50p.m. Lily has stated that "Daddy will have a bird-day" in some form or fashion at least every half hour - assuring herself and me that we will sing the birthday song very soon, to Daddy.

As we made the exit off of the interstate, we had to wait a minute or two at a red light. You know how sometimes, when you are the passenger, your mind starts to drift as you stare past a nearby gas station or bait and tackle shop? Well my thoughts wondered back about a year and two months ago when Montgomery was getting Fallish and the sky was so blue and Thanksgiving and Christmas were just around the corner and I was un-diagnosed but positively depressed. The saddest I have ever been. I was painfully depressed about where I worked and more specifically for whom I worked (not to be mentioned or ellaborated on but trust me, I could write a book over the span of my life about what I learned and the tears I cried and couldn't fit it all in). When my mind came back, about the time we accelerated, leaving the red light, I looked at my Love, and said, "I am so happy. Remember this time last year when Sundays were the worst because it meant that Monday I was going back to "name of place I am not mentioning?"

"Yep" is all Nick said but I knew he knew exactly what I was saying.

"I am so happy right now in this season we are in" I said back.

and i mean it.

This is the best season of my entire life. I can't list out every thing that I am thankful for at home or in my relationships with my friends but as my list relates to my thought at the red light I will say that for the first time in my life I am so incredibly blessed by my full time job.

I look forward to Monday mornings when the coffee starts brewing at 6:05 and I hop in the shower, put on fresh ironed clothes, make the 4 minute commute, walk through the halls and am greeted by hundreds of smiling children's faces and other coworkers. My classroom is clean, organized, lit by two lamps and floor to ceiling windows that let in real sunlight. My room smells like apple cinnamon Glade plug-ins, paperback books, and pencils shavings.

During my day I write with inky felt tip pens, create with construction paper and glue sticks, play Go-Fish, diagram details of a story on a marker board, help memorize "sight words," laminate picture schedules, and re-inforce good citizenship by giving out stickers when I catch a student being helpful, kind, or patient.

My co-workers are really really nice and are also good at what they do and love doing it. I love my job. But for a long long time, this just wasn't so. At first I was just the odd one out - the new kid. Over the years it began to feel like not only was left out but I was sought out - to be punished, manipulated, and mistreated. Feeling like that made it really hard to find any joy from 8-4 Monday through Friday and not only then but on the weeknights and weekends because Monday was coming too soon to do it all over again. So many times I wondered, "why God? is it too much to ask for to be happy during the hours I am away from the ones I love the most?" Now, I have to cut myself off from my work knowing that it will still be there the next day and there are my personal duties and relationships waiting for me, often eating Nilla Wafers, sipping milk,wagging tail, and playing "scary cat" with my hero on the floor in the den when I walk in the door.

I am happy also because for the first time ever... I am just living- taking pleasure in the simplicity and comfort in routine. There isn't anything to wait on or figure out or hang on until. I am taking care of my body and have all that I need. In the past 8 weeks, Nick and I have had two very expensive emergencies occur and it hasn't once phased me to stress over it. We paid it and moved on. Spending time with friends and family isn't such a chore as it was when I was depressed because "time off" isn't "time away" or "time to turn off." Now it is blissful "time to be shared." Do you know what I am saying? When I was depressed, any time I had to myself I wasn't willing to share because there was nothing of myself I could give that wasn't required. It isn't like that now. I am not tired or irritable or unhealthy. I am awake, recharged, and seeing for the first time what it means to be completely content...

Thanks be to God.

5k Tuesday

2010-11-02T18:17:00.000-07:00

This is not supposed to be a huge announcement or "pat on the back" of any sort but today I began the Couch to 5k program. For the past few weeks I have been mentally and physically preparing to begin training to participate in a marathon of some sort. I have never been a "runner" and might never be... jogging is more my style. However, after completing week one day one of C25K, I am fairly optimistic. Today's experience consisted of a 5 minute brisk walk and then 20 minutes of 60 second jog/90 second walk intervals. It felt really really good! I attribute my success thus far (I know it is only day 1 but I said I am being optimisic!) to three factors:

1.) motivation - I always said that when I quit smoking I would mark this accomplishment with something big. What better way to celebrate being smoke-free than to fricken' run!?

2.) healthy diet - again, I am not making a huge announcement that I will never have mexican food or dessert again but for TODAY I didn't have any sweets or heaping portions. Plus, I drank 64 ounces of filtered water before my jog.

3.) MUSIC PLAYLIST

I have never exercised using headphones and an ipod but recently, my sweet Love, surprised me with a lightweight set of headphones to use with our ipod nano (AND a cute little pink digital watch with a stop watch feature, thanks Love :) Lightweight useful equipment makes the jogging experience easier, faster, and more fun.

So here is my perfect W1D1 C25K playlist:

Mykonos - Fleet Foxes, (warm up)

My City of Ruins - Bruce Springsteen

The Rising - Bruce Springsteen

Hometown Glory - Adele

Magpie to the Morning - Neko Case

Somewhere Only We Know - Keane

I Saw God Today - George Straight

Falling Slowly - "Once" soundtrack

Halo - Beyonce (Help for Haiti)

Hallelujah - Justin Timberlake featuring Matt Morrison (Help for Haiti)

Let it Be - Jennifer Hudson (Help for Haiti), cool down

If you are thinking about this crazy thing called running check out any of the numerous Couch to 5K programs. The one I like is Cool Running.

Our Home in Fall

2010-10-30T20:25:00.000-07:00

A few images of our home this Fall.

Me with my sweet little girls.

One Saturday morning.

A spooky pillow or two.

A "Fall" scented candle, so nice.

Acorns and a glazed pumpkin.

Sunday dinner: collard greens simmering and fresh baked corn bread in the oven.

MA Class of 2000 Reunion

2010-10-17T13:02:00.000-07:00

October 8th and 9th I celebrated 10 years since graduation with Nick and two of my best friends from high school. Here are few snaps from the weekend!

Friday night, before the homecoming football game. Me with one of my partners in crime, Mary Tyler.

A few spirited decorations! Go Eagles!

An evening wouldn't be complete without some sort of entertainment performed by moi! Here I am reciting senior quotes after dinner, before the after party.

"With vigor and gusto" - Mer Brown

SO fun!

Standing next to my favorite 5th grade class. That little sign of my teacher with glasses is the exact same picture that hung in the exact same place when I was a 5th grader!

Finally, me with my two best friends Meredith and Mary Tyler at the after party.

2010-09-27T19:36:00.001-07:00

It has been a really long time since I posted. So long that it is hard to think of what to say...

So I'll tell a little bed time story.

Tonight, a little loveable Lily told me that she loves me for the first time ever. I was rocking her before bed, as we do every night, and she said, "lub you mama, lub you mama..." and she said it a lot of times. It was such a wonderful feeling. I said it back to her twice as many times as she said it to me.

Meanwhile, a little curious Harper was still flipping the pages of her alphabet book, on the floor. When I called to her to come and sit with Mama and "Nini" she said, "no" and flipped on. I gave her a couple of more chances to obey and then stated the fact, "Mommy is going to turn off the light now because it is time for bed. Come and sit with me so I can tell you night night and we can rock rock." So, I turned off the light and waited for her to take 5 or 6 steps in my direction and reach out to me so that I could lift her little body and up, snuggle, and sing "sunshine."

However, instead I heard a very loud thud and immediately afterwards these pitiful whimpering words, "hit da head?!?!" I turned on the light and saw her sitting on the floor with her face about two inches from the chest of drawers. The poor thing had walked right into the metal hardware and had a large red splotch and little blue indentation right in the middle of her forehead. Very very sad for her and very very stupid on my part. I scooped her up and cradled her and as she cried "Nini" said, "oh oh Haddie" in a very slow and soothing voice.

So the sad little Haddie felt better after a few kisses and the light turned off again. Then the mommy realized we hadn't changed into dry diapers yet and back on went the light. I changed their pampers and this time did not make yet another transition to the "rock rock" but instead I said, "it is late and you must go to bed right now." In true form, Lily repeated, "it is late it is late" about 15 times. Harper whimpered for one more "hug and kiss" (three or four were actually granted). Then I closed the door. I heard more whimpers for about 23 seconds and then nothing. Night night babies.

The end.

Because I Don't Want to Forget

2010-09-02T19:51:00.001-07:00

Tonight, rocking my two baby girls before bed, Harper said, "mama take a sunshine away?" Which means, "Mama sing You Are My Sunshine."

I sang.

Lily said, "no take it away? no take it away?" because she didn't want me to stop singing...

So I said, "babies, let's pray."

Babies tightly clasped their little hands together and Harper beats me to it and she says,

"Dee God,

Tank-a a Mama...

"Yes baby, thank you for Mama"

"Tank-a a Dada..."

"Yes baby, thank you for Dada, and God thank you for Harper, and Lily, and Ali and for this day..."

"an tank-a a tu tu's???"

"yes baby, thank God for tutus too" ( as in the pink and purple ballet tutus the girls wore around the house tonight for an hour before bath time).

And we all said, "Amen."

Well, except for Lily who said, "no amen? no amen?" because she wasn't ready to be finished praying.

Thanks be to God.

Right Steph?

The Long Walk Home

2010-08-15T13:34:00.001-07:00

Did you ever watch the movie "The Long Walk Home," filmed here in Montgomery, Alabama in 1990. I was 8 years old when my dad took me to Cloverdale school for try outs and casting. My parents were shocked and pleasantly surprised when we received a call asking if I would be a "stand in" for Lexi Randall who played the character of Mary Katherine Thompson. Every day that summer, my mom, sister, and I would go to the set of the movie and I would get dressed in similar costumes to what she would be dressed in for her upcoming scene. While she practiced her lines I would "stand in" during rehearsal and play her part so that producers could test lighting and other technical responsibilities that goes with filming a movie. I remember wandering, alone, around the set one morning and feeling "caught" when a black lady, dressed as a maid, met me in the doorway of one of the rooms. I looked up at her, she held her hand out for me to shake, she asked, "what's your name?" I told her "Laura" and she said, "I'm Whoopie, it is nice to meet you." I ran back to Mama and was giddy with excitement but had to wait until she got off the telephone to tell her that I had just met a movie star! While I waited, I remember smelling my hand and noticing how my hand smelled like soap and cocoa butter lotion. In between takes I can also remember playing the game of "Operation" with Lexi and some of the other children on the set. I was paid $50 a day to be a part of this incredible movie production and, ultimately,once in a life time experience. My parents would have probably paid them to let me be a part of it! What a neat experience?

Today, my mother called me to tell me that the movie was showing on BET. I watched the whole movie start to finish. I have seen it before but today it was different watching. I am grown now with children of my own. I have 6 years experience working in the Montgomery Public Schools in neighborhoods of town now considered "bad parts of town" where I am the minority. The board of education and special education office is just down the street from the church where Dr. Martin Luther King preached about civil rights and equality. The big houses on Court Street and Oak Park all featured in the film are all real life places that I grew up around and until today took for granted. Today I watched this movie and I got choked up at certain moments and full out cried during other moments. I realized, though will never understand or feel, the awfulness of what blacks went through - and in some ways are going through today. I also realized that being from Montgomery and living here today is a huge privilege, in my opinion, because it is the birthplace of such a profound movement in American and World History. When I visit my in-laws in Selma, I don't drive over the Edmond Pettus bridge without remembering the individuals who marched and their cause and personal sacrifices.

As I watched "The Long Walk Home" I thought about how far the civil rights movement has come and how far it has to go, not just for black Americans but for anyone denied their civil rights. One of my close friends Adriana, a black woman, was visiting me, Harper, and Lily, one day last week and like during most of our visits, we got on the topic of things that annoy whites and blacks and how she and I play a role in our daily inter-racial interactions. I cherish her friendship on many levels. One, first and foremost, I love her for who she is and the friend connection we have. Harper also seems especially fond of her. She always climbs up in Adrianna's lap and while Harper play with Adriana's earrings, Adrianna plays with Harper's hair! But Harper really likes when "Adri-nana" shares her McDonald's french fries! Second, I cherish her friendship because she and I can be totally uncensored and REAL in discussing what is still dividing our two races - in both spoken and unspoken ways.

Dr. Lena Williams is the author of a book called "It's the Little Things" which I am currently reading. She writes about "community groups" of mixed races that meet in individuals' households to talk about "little things that annoy and divide the races." Adrianna and I kind of have a little community group of our own and I sometimes wonder if we should invite others to come along and join in discussions like the ones we have. Who would come? What could happen?

So I am thinking about civil rights today. The faces of those denied. The color of those faces, the faith of those faces, the sexual preferences of those faces, the sex or gender of those faces, the list goes on and on. The spectrum is so broad... forgive the pun.

2010-08-14T09:10:00.001-07:00

It has been a long while since the last time I posted and the reason for that is mainly because I have been busy as a little bee.

Summer vacation has ended for both children and teachers which means I am back at work. I started therapy at a new location this year. I am based at an elementary school five days per week with no traveling! I love and mean really love my school. The administration, teachers, staff, and students are all spectacular. I worked really hard in my classroom to make it both fun and conducive to learning for the kids. Every morning that I go in and sit at my desk or kidney-shaped table I feel comfort. Just like when you were a kid and might have loved organizing new pencils and trapper-keepers, I love coming into my room and sorting through new clean data sheets and colorful post-it notes. Right now, I have 35 active students on my roll with 3-5 referrals pending. This is by far the largest caseload I have ever worked with at a single school but, needless to say, I will be busy and challenged which is exactly what I was praying for this year.

My own children have been sick with colds this week. Runny noses and 24 hour fevers. Last night we had a bought with vomiting due to restricted breathing and excess mucous that upset Lily's tummy. At bath time, we soaked them in Johnson & Johnson's "soothing vapor bath" which if you haven't tried, I highly recommend. I have even used it myself to relief allergic congestion and sinus pressure.

This morning my Love, quietly slipped out of bed, switched off the baby monitor, and got the girls up and through breakfast without waking me up. I slept until 9:45a.m. and was greeted by sweet babies, hot coffee, and French Toast. What a wonderful love.

Not too much on the list of things to do today. I am on my second load of laundry and third episode of Dragon Tales. The sky is slightly overcast which means that there might be a stroll in our future. Nick is checking out Blockbuster's Red-box flicks at the moment which will probably mean we will have a date, sipping red wine, cooking something fabulous, and watching a movie.

Happy Saturday to all!

Oh My...

2010-07-26T13:32:00.000-07:00

See this adorable face? This is my precious Ali Carrie. She is our furry child and is 4 1/2 years old.

Ali loves to sleep under our bed, play tug of war with her sock, and eat treats.

Anyone who has ever met Ali Carrie will agree she is very very sweet and adorable.

I love her very much.

This is a silly picture of Ali Carrie, taken one afternoon during one of her snoozes on the couch. How could you not love a face like this?

I chuckle every time I see this picture of her.

Today, I was petting my little AC and giving a good rub when I felt something... strange...

THIS IS WHAT I FOUND!

I called the vet and took her in for an emergency visit. At first, they told me it was probably just a "wolf fly" larva, imbedded in her skin.

Turns out, it is just a subcutaneous cyst that has errupted. Dr. A. said that they basically treated it like a big pimple, squeezed it out, and follow up will be a 10 day treatment of antibiotics. He also said that there is a small chance that it could re-occur. Let's hope it doesn't!

I begged them to give her a good haircut before pick up time in hopes that she will not be so hot for the remainder of the summer and to help me spot these troubling, and disgusting disturbances.

All is well though. Can't wait till be get her home, back under our bed where she loves to be!

Grown Up Friday Night

2010-07-23T18:03:00.000-07:00

At 7 p.m. tonight my family of 4, two adults and 2 two year olds were sitting on the floor watching the rain come down "cats and dogs." The driveway looked like a silver pond and the gutters on the corners of the house like steady rapids. The thunder was cracking, sending my toddlers into a frenzy.

Nick made the comment, "if I didn't have kids to help put to bed, I would lay right here on this couch all night long and probably not move until tomorrow morning when it is time to get up..."

I said, "after they go down, do you want to play Phase 10?"

"YES!" he replied.

Then it dawned on me. There are a lot of teens and younger adults in their early 20's that are getting all "dolled up" on this Friday night, staring out the window, checking their Weather Channel phone app. and saying things like,

"Damn, I really wanted to sit outside at Sinclair's tonight..."

"Oh well for the cook out at So and So's... maybe it will let up by then..."

"Guess they will call off the Biscuit's game, what now?"

"Man, I straightened my hair and want to wear my cute new tube top but this rain is ruining my outfit!"

It made me chuckle because I can remember "getting ready" for a Friday night out and being heartbroken when torrential rains began to pour down.

But now, I sit in my living room and think two things:

1.) this is perfect card playing weather

2.) AWESOME, the Tru-Green guy left a note on Wednesday after fertilizing and weed killing the yard that we need to keep the grass cut (done Thursday) and water heavily (done!)

It was a very grown up moment for me tonight to realize that I love the rain not only for all of it's obvious comforting reasons but also because it is good for our grass! There is truth in the notion that we all turn into our parents!

How did you spend your Friday night rained in - or out?

Q & A Wednesday

2010-07-21T10:31:00.001-07:00

What is one of your "Holy Moments?"

***

After reading this post I reflected on my own "Holy Moments." Here was my answer:

"I am grown now with two children of my own and many Holy Moments with them to share, but one moment in particular that I will always cherish was years ago when my little sister and I were lying in bed one night - Whit 10 years younger than me. I, at the time was 14 or 15, she was 4 or 5, and I was rubbing her back. I apologized for having cold hands and she rolled over, turned her little baby face to me, held my hand and said, "why are you sorry? don't be sorry, they are your hands and they are cold. you can't help it" and she put the blanket over my hands. I have never forgotten that moment of when a child first taught me (then also still a child!) of what it meant to give up one's own pleasures to help another's suffering...

I have told Whit, now 18, that story since then and she laughs and has no memory of it. My prayer is that we can all be back in touch with our inner child, with perfect faith and testimony of God's merciful love.

Mother's Meltdown

2010-07-20T19:18:00.000-07:00

Well I had a melt down of sorts today. Not a big one with pouting and tears and "why me" and all that. Just a little one. One that comes with a sudden need to be alone and quiet and not needed - sounds really really selfish right? It didn't take long. An hour or so. And in that time I sat on out guest bed, then I took a bath. I thought and thought and thought. Melt downs don't come often but but boy when they do...

The day started out as days around here usually do. Got the kids up and coffee poured and started in on chore 1, 2, and 3. Then, all of a sudden, I hit a wall where I asked "am I doing enough?" For myself? More importantly for my children? It all boils down to this simple fact:

I am not a "stay at home mom" by definition so pretending to be one for 8 weeks in the summer time has had it's ups and suddenly today, it's takes DOWN - Ironically on the exact same day that I patted myself on the back for letting my kids watch T.V and in the same boast bragged that my kids don't suffer from watching too much T.V. And that is still a true fact. But what I am noticing is that in these 8 weeks my kids have gotten entirely t-totally attached to ME... literally. I cannot hold one enough. I cannot play with ONE enough, not to mention both of them. I cannot feed them enough - exhibited when Lily gets bored she asks to "EAT!" Now, even when I close the door to use the restroom I see two little shadows under the door and hear whimpers of Mama? Mama? Mama? while I say, "Mama needs privacy! Be patient" When the truth is, it is hard for me to keep mine... this being "needed" all day, every minute of the day.

There are a lot of women out there who pout and gripe about not being able to stay at home with their kids which is a really nice way to say "not work." I can even remember sitting at my parents' kitchen table while the twins were in the NICU literally crying on the table because Nick and I couldn't find a financial way to let me stay home with them. And now, I thank God for it. I love my kids. I love spending time with my kids and I love parenting them. More. Than. Anyone. Will. Ever. Know.

But here is the thing... I know a couple of stay at home moms and they do the job supremely well. And you know what I have learned? Being a "stay at home mom" means rarely do you stay at home. You see, my girls are 2 years old now... they are learning and growing and "waking up" so to speak. I emailed a stay at home mom friend today and said, "it is almost as if H&L are growing too big for our house." That isn't it she reassured me...

They need to get out... they want to get out. They don't know that is what they need... but it is. It is really hard to admit all of this because I feel... FAILURE. And trust me, I am NOT looking for a wash of sympathy or encouragement in posting all of this. If anything, I hope that someone is reading this and saying, "yea... me too, whew."

It isn't like we sit around and eat cereal all day. We DO STUFF. But I reached a point today in realizing that they just aren't babies anymore. They are little people. That is why I am excited to be more creative in the coming weeks while I am still playing "stay at home mom." And because I do have to go back to work in 2 weeks I am really blessed and excited for them to go to a Mother's Day Out program at our church in 6 weeks.

I can't count the number of times I thought about erasing this post and just shutting up... but that wouldn't be keeping it real... sharing the baby steps.

Children's Television

2010-07-20T08:03:00.000-07:00

I have 30 minutes to sit at the kitchen table, with my cup of coffee (Italian Sweet Cream creamer), and play on the computer while my kids watch an episode of Barney and Friends. Today is the first day they have layed eyes on the imaginary purple monster. They are definitely interested. Harper is sitting in her "rock-rock" chair and Lily chose to sit or stand on the floor (it changes each time I turn around) right there in front of the t.v.

I am also going to let them give Clifford the Big Red Dog a go later today. We tried to watch about 5 minutes of Clifford yesterday but it didn't really hold their attention past the excitement of saying "dog!?" a few times.

Nothing captures my kids' attention and affection though like Elmo's World on Dvd. What started it all was this little book the babies received from their Gramma. The cover of the book has a little felt Elmo finger puppet and the pages are songs you can sing with your child while you watch Elmo "clap" along ( pictured above).

Harper was in love immediately. When they turned two in May, I told Nick that I thought Harper should have a plushy Elmo doll to share with Lily but in reality it was my hopes that Elmo would be her "lovie" just as Lily has her three little blankies that she sleeps with every night - which is why we bought her a real "baby doll." Well, Harper wants nothing in her bed except her thumb and her self. If you give her any animal or blanket she will say, "no" and throw them over the side of the bed. So Elmo gets to sleep with all of the other animals in the toybox... or on the floor... or on the couch. Also for their birthday my mother, their Moomps, bought them 2 Elmo movies.

Good grief.

These girls would sit in front of the T.V. all day if I let them. I remember reading a few posts a little while back by some super mom/super blogger out there about popular opinions on children watching too much television and the adverse social affects, etc. I get it. I really do.

But in my house, here is the deal, my kids watch a lot of t.v. But they also play in their room with each other, go outside, and on field trips and JUST TURNED TWO YEARS OLD. In a month they will be going to a Mother's Day Out pre-pre-school program at our church three days a week. At their stage of development I am just not worried about them watching too much t.v. because, honestly, the quality of what they are watching is so good. As I said, my kids turned two in May and they both know all 26 letters (sometimes confusing x and k) and can name numbers 1-10. They also ask questions about things like bugs and airplanes because of the shows they watch and the books we read. I am very happy to see their language progressing the way it is and get more and more excited about Mother's Day Out starting in September.

One of their Elmo Movies is called "Elmo: Reach for the Sky!" On the cover of the box there is a little yellow school and the babies call this episode of Elmo "Eh-mo go to Skoo?" So it will be neat when they make the connection that their really is a place called school. I really don't have a doubt in my mind that they will love school. Trying not to wish these final days of summer away though! This really is, for many reasons, going to be the best Fall ever.

Single Ladies

2010-07-12T16:51:00.001-07:00

Y'all I seriously don't know how all the single ladies do it.

And by single ladies, I mean, single moms.

Single, working, or stay at home moms, either way, if you are single, or have a really really lazy selfish partner that never helps... how do you do this thing called parenting and everything else that life requires?

NO I'm not single AND a mother of twins, are you crazy? My amazing husband is on a Mission Trip... his second week long trip this summer. Right now, for me that means 8 days and nights of having these precious amazing and very active two year olds all to myself. Today is one of those days where it is 6:53p.m., bed time is at 8:00, and I AM ABSOLUTELY WORN OUT. My back hurts, to the point I might skip giving them baths tonight, my feet hurt, seriously, even my eye balls hurt a little bit.

Please don't consider this post a big gripe because I know that I would not trade being a mother for anything in the entire world, but I mean, could I have done this single - with no help? That is my question. Actually, no... it isn't the question, nor the point.

The truth is... even if I were single, of course I could do it. The way I love my children, I could have 10 more and wouldn't question whether or not I could. Of course I could and I would, because I love my children so much and it is my responsibility to do everything for them while they can't do it for themselves. And every single day is such a blessing in our lives together.

There are too many rewards in spending time with my children to count

And most days it doesn't feel like work at all

But some days it does

So on the days that it does, I can't help but wonder what it would be like to not have someone that loves them just as much as I do sitting beside me at the end of the day and waking up next to me in the morning to do it all over again

So here is my pat on the back to you, all the single ladies (two of my dear friends in mind),

all the single ladies.

Remember when a couple of days ago I bragged about the whole "I take naps everyday" thing?

2010-07-09T07:28:00.000-07:00

This morning when I first woke up and stumbled to the coffee maker I felt like I did back when I had two newborns. Groggy, achy, and ready for bedtime - as a result of some really bizarre sleeping patterns lately. A few posts ago I mentioned "napping when they nap." Grown up naps are good when needed but when taken to the extreme, meaning getting into the habit of everyday, I think it actually becomes a bad thing... for me a very bad thing. My sleeping patterns are very very messed up. Not to mention that night before last, I chaperoned a youth all girls spend the night party and had a lot of good clean fun but stayed up later than I have in over two years. The last time I looked at the clock it was almost 4 a.m. Yea.

I have no idea why, maybe a weakened immune system due to lack of sleep, but when I don't sleep, I get ill- physically and emotionally. SO I came home and rested for 2 or 3 hours before showering and going on a REAL DATE with my husband and two very special friends. Nick and I went to the Tipping Point for two drinks then down town, with our friends, to Lek's where I consumed ridiculous amounts of quality delicious sushi.

We were back home by 11p.m. watched an episode of Work of Art and were in bed by midnight. I had one of those nights where I woke up every hour, tossed and turned, and honestly could argue that I might not have truly slept at all.

I woke up around 7 and really wanted to sleep "late" - till 8:30 or 9 when the babies get up... but just couldn't - I could not stop thinking of how awful the night's attempt to sleep had been! I got up, poured an amazing cup of coffee, flipped through a Pottery Barn catalog and then decided to take a shower... which in the summer time I rarely do first thing in the morning. It was so nice to feel hydrated cool and clean that I decided to give the babies a bath first thing this morning as opposed to at bedtime.

So we are all feeling good this morning and I am going to do my darndest, as hard as it may be, to NOT nap today and see if by staying busy I can get my body back into normal routine of normal sleeping hours...

Q & A Wednesday

2010-07-06T16:19:00.000-07:00

how do you spend your "down time?"

***

during the school year down time for me is spent by little outings with my family. the grocery store. a restaurant. exercise around the neighborhood or at a near by park. and dinner parties at our house. and of course, when the time has come, watching football with friends.

it used to be that i would stay up late, really late, with my husband

and my friends. 1 or 2a.m. was early on a weekend and reasonable on a weeknight

before i had two children

when the summer began i made jokes with anyone who asked "how do you intend to spend the summer?" by saying with a smirk on my face, "nothing, nothing at all. i'll eat when they (H&L) eat, and i'll sleep when they sleep."

i have napped almost every single day this summer. not little 20 - 30 minute snoozers, full on 2-3 hour slumbers, in the bed.

i also read, a lot. i find that i am often giving justifications to myself for reasons why it isn't a sin to lay around as much as i do. i still exercise. the grocery store gets done. the housework, mostly, gets done. the laundry is always done. i spend time with and talk to my friends. i go to church and lead a bible study once a week. so in my down time, i read and nap.

there are some types of people that can't sleep during the day and who don't like to read. i, personally can't understand this. i'm not a t.v. during the day kind of person. unless there is a movie for the babies on the t.v. is off. i prefer listening to NPR or Christian radio to t.v. i prefer the couch with a good book to window shopping. i take great comfort in my home and the preparations i make to keep it a cool safe and happy place for my husband and children. so one way for me to enjoy my home and my life and take it all in is to sit and be still.

so, how do you spend your down time?

July 5th, part II

2010-07-05T16:27:00.001-07:00

After my lunch time feast for one, I loaded the babies to go on a stroll. I thought it would be nice to get outdoors and enjoy the overcast skies and cooler temps. About a mile and a half away from our house, only half way through with the course I had planned on completing I realized that the sun was fully out, it was pretty darn humid, and I didn't bring my water bottle. The babies, however, were each clinging to their sippy cups filled to the brim with ice cold water/apple juice mixture. Here is my question:

How do you teach your children "mercy?"

They know how to "share" and "give" and "take turns" mostly because when they do these things with each other Mommy praises each one by telling each baby how sweet she is and that sharing is the right thing to do. At home, if one refuses to give the other a turn with (fill in the blank) Mommy usually intercedes and shows the proper way to share and more praises follow. They have learned, like Pavlov's dogs, that when you hear the word "share" you should "give" and Mommy will "sing."

Mercy... is an entirely different concept than this. You see, with the temperature outside easily 100 degrees and me pushing 40 pounds uphill some of the way, I WAS HOT AND GETTING IN NEED OF HYDRATION. I said, "babies, mommy is thirsty and needs a sip. will you share?"

Both babies said, "no" and clung tighter to their beloved sippy cups.

Hmm...

Again, "babies, share with mommy, one sip. mommy is thirsty, please. please, share." (this works with sharing Mrs. Potato Head)

Again, "Nome, no no no cup."

I stopped the stroller and said, "because you will not share mommy is taking the cup and going to have a sip. you will share with mommy."

I took a swig from each cup and the girls actually thought it was funny. They giggled. And I am sure it was a sight to see - grown woman on the side of the road drinking from her babies' bright orange sippy cups. Of course when I was finished I gave the cups back and said, "thank you babies."

So, the sharing thing they have got down pat. Mercy, however, will take some time.

July 5th

2010-07-05T08:42:00.000-07:00

There is a peaceful easy feeling I get when it is overcast outside, nice temps, and leftover veggies in the fridge. The day after our nations has celebrated Independence Day. It is 10:43 a.m. y'all and I just put a skillet of cornbread batter in the oven on 400 to have with my lunch of turnip greens, green beans, yellow squash, and grilled chicken... I might fore go the chicken and reheat the white corn on the cob and make it a true veggie plate. That is what is happening in my kitchen this morning.

Oh, and did you know that I season ALL of my vegetables, when I'm cookin' like this, with bacon fat? That is right. I save the bacon fat drippings each time we cook bacon in an old glass mayo jar. It sits in the back of my fridge till I'm making cornbread and veggies then it is several tall scoops slung into each boiler for the best flavored greens and corn bread... mmm mmm mmm.

***

We celebrated the 4th of July by attending Church yesterday morning, shaking the hands of WW2 and Vietnam veterans. Some were young enough that I am guessing they served in the Gulf War and some still currently serving. It was special to see them lined up at the alter standing as tall as their old crooked spines would let them. Their eyes were still so blue behind spotted spectacles and their wives standing so proud among the congregation, with the sparkliest sequined red, white, and blue vests and festive earrings and pins - and the brightest red lipstick, brighter than Christmas time/December red lipsticks...

Last night, we headed over to "Moomps and Pa's" (my parents) house for a cookout and some swimming. We all played outside until it was simply too dark and the MCC fireworks started at 9p.m. This was NOT the high-light of the night for the babies, in fact, it was sheer terror for them! And you can imagine that it would be quite scary for young eyes and ears that have never heard fireworks booming just 6 or 7 blocks over and to see these colorful explosions over head. No matter how much I tried to tell them, "Look! so pretty! boom!" they weren't having it. So there Daddy and Pa took the babies inside and I watched the finale with my Mama. It was really really cool... I used to stand with my mom and dad and sister on the same front porch every year growing up and watch those fireworks and here I was again with 2 kids in the house, by this point in the night, begging to watch Elmo and go "night night." So we drove home, put them to bed just before 10 o'clock and they went down without a single peep... Lily in her car seat kept saying, "go home? a baby? go night night?"

It is now 10:58a.m. and with my cornbread almost ready, I still have yet to hear a single peep from them. I'll let them sleep all day if they want... peaceful easy feeling all through the house... and the scent of bacon fat, mmm mmm mmm.

a little catching up

2010-07-01T19:30:00.000-07:00

How do you like the new layout? This blog needed a change. I tried to think of a new title...but couldn't. "baby steps" has been what I have called this place since I went into the hospital a little over two years ago and my babies went into the nicu. It seems like I had a lot more readers then. People would comment in passing about how they kept up with H&L's progress through checking my blog. I even had pretty regular and numerous comments in the comments sections. These days, I don't know if anyone reads at all - if they do they certainly stopped commenting.

The running joke among my husband and friends has been that "blogging is dead." I said to him, "I don't even know the point anymore; no one comments and I can't blame them, I don't have that great or controversial to say hardly ever." And he said, "well you shouldn't blog for them, you should blog for you." Well I'll try that out, more often, and more interestingly, and maybe more controversially, for me.

But back to the name. I tried to change it once to something like "Sound Mind Sound Body Sound Soul" or some other cheese like that but came back to this one: "baby steps." It is fitting I suppose since, probably, a lot of my posts have to do with updates on my children and being a mother or just every day life. But, also, I think that "baby steps" is an appropriate metaphor for my life in general since everyday I continue to learn and process "growing up". So "baby steps" it is.

O.k. so in my last post I mentioned that I was reading Ishmael by Daniel Quinn. This book was recommended to me by my husband who attended a small Methodist Liberal Arts College in the deep deep South. He often says that he loves his school because it helped in grow in academics, of course, but it also helped him grown in his faith because every class he took challenged him to think for himself. He said the book was about "Leavers and Takers." When I first heard this term I immediately thought of another post I have read before over at The Spivey Life. I thought the book would be about lazy people and not as lazy as those people people. I was wrong, sort of. The book, as I mentioned is a conversation between a gorilla and his human student about how the world "got to be the way it is." I will not try to give any kind of summary or real synopsis of the book because I think if this at all interests you then you should read it for yourself. However, I will pose a few questions that were raised in the novel... questions that Ishmael asked the man that have MY wheels turning.

-why do humans teach that this world was created for humans?

-why do humans teach that evolution AND/OR creation ended after humans?

-why do humans feel that it is right and necessary to be the only species to take from, steal from, and murder each other AND other species in order to get what they want?

-is there an unspoken law of survival and food chains etc. that every other species follows that humans feel they are exempt from and if so why?

-will humans continue to live "this way" until we extinguish all natural resources and essentially commit global suicide over a period of thousands or millions of years? and if we knew a solution... a better way to live, could we do it? what would it take?

The book did not shake my faith in any way really but it did,however, cause me to think differently, and for that I applaud the author.

That is really all for now...

Sunday's News

2010-06-20T14:50:00.000-07:00

This morning we went to church and said goodbye to those leaving for the Mission Trip to rural North Carolina to help low income families with home repairs and food delivery. I myself went on this trip 3 summers ago and remember it being a fantastic trip. I know that all who are there now will be glad they went and gave a hand.

After lunch, back at home, I started my 4th summer read:

Ishmael by Daniel Quinn.

This book is unlike any book I have ever read before I believe. The book is a mental conversation between a gorilla and a man. The two are talking about our society and how "we got the way we are" and where we may be headed according to human's disobedience to Mother Culture's laws. I wasn't "hooked" by the first twenty pages but stuck with it and now 130 pages in I am glad I didn't give up. Coming off of the heels of reading Into the Wild I am glad to be reading something not so emotional and a little lighter (?). After finishing ITW Nick and I watched the film. I had seen it two or three times before but having just read the book it was different this time to be able to connect to the little details such as names of places visited, odd jobs, and journal entries narrated by the actor who played Chris. Let me make one revision. Ishmael is not "light topic" reading. In fact, if you really think about what the gorilla is saying it is actually quite convicting to consider how we treat the Earth and other species of life. What I meant by comparing the two books was that reading ITW was hard for me because it was so personal: getting to know Chris through his journal entries and by way of interviews with the people who knew him and then to read about the way he died and such. Ishmael is more... deep and intellectual type novel that I'm sure will provoke as much emotion as it will thought. That's all.

Now, I sit at the kitchen table, waiting on my sister to come over so that we can go and do some serious shopping for groceries. I had made it a point to try and be out of everything before going to stock up again. I have tried to plan my meals around BOGO sales, upcoming Farmer's Market trips, and on a beef, chicken, seafood rotation. On the menu for the next four night's suppers:

chicken thighs, white rice, Farmer's Market veggie

hamburger helper boxed dinner with frozen vegetable

tombstone pizza

tuna salad on whole wheat bread

lunch will be:

leftovers

soup and homemade cornbread

sandwhiches

That is about it for now. Happy Sunday and Father's Day!

Some Summer Favorites

2010-06-17T11:18:00.000-07:00

A few of my favorite things this summer have been:

White Mossimo tank top from Target, clearance sale price $4.99, also purchased in pink and kelly green:

These shorts in black and khaki:

Trips to Lake Martin with our friends:

Morning walks:

Gorgonzola cheese on salads:

Ginger Dressing on everything:

Reading:

Almost finished with this one,

Loved this one:

Really loved this one: (finished it in 24 hours)

And, THIS guy:

You know him as this season's The Bachelorette Kasey:

"I want to guard and protect her heart/Here's my heart, come on in and stay a while..."

Conversations Lately

2010-05-29T09:29:00.000-07:00

Lately, I have been having real conversation with H & L. In order to give you an accurate picture I am going to type phonetically when giving the words of my growing girls.

(Harper pulls up t-shirt, points to her "outie")

H: Beh-e-bud-dah???

Mommy: Yes, that is your belly button! You have an outie!

H: YuK!

Mommy: No, Harper, not yuk! You are beautiful! Your belly button is beautiful because it is a part of you!

(Lily, helping me throw "crash" away in the "crash can")

L: drow da crash?

Mommy: Yes, let's throw away the trash.

(Lily peeks inside the can and sees a cheap electronic butterfly shaped toy that is way to loud and whose letter are so tiny and cluttered - this toy is not a good teaching tool and it takes up a lot of space in the toy box and I don't believe any baby can learn from it so it does not need to be donated so I threw it away)

L: Bud-fwi in da crash!?!?

Mommy: Yes, baby Mommy threw the butterfly away because it is annoying

L: Die Die Bud-fwi! (byebye)

(Mommy changing Lily's diaper one night and her hands start exploring, down there)

L: (touching her self) "No! No!"

Mommy: That is not a no no. You can touch in private.

L: (continuing) No! No! Don' touch!!!

Mommy: It is ok to touch in private Lily. Mommy, Dr. and Lily can touch in private.

(Yesterday the dr. says ok Lily let's check your tu-tu, and takes off her diaper)

L: "in pie-vet! in pie-vet!

Mommy: Yes Lily, it is ok if the dr. looks at you in private.

(Daddy and Mommy "rock rocking" before bed time)

Daddy: Night night Mommy

Mommy: Night night Daddy

Lily: night night Ali

Harper: night night Moomps & Pa ( their grandparents, my mom and dad)

Lily: night night put-tay-tuh het! (potato head)

Harper: night night Eh-mo (Elmo)

Lily: night night cup

Harper: night night bocks (blocks)

Lily: night night Gackie (Jackie - nanny and friend ;)

Harper: night night Mo-money (Jackie's baby)

***saying night night to Gackie and Mo-money makes them think of things they do during the day which leads them to say...

Harper: night night potty

Lily: night night Poo Poo

Daddy: night night Harper

Mommy: night night Lily

True Stories.

2010-05-28T08:11:00.000-07:00

There have been many blogs on my list lately whose titles are something like "Summer is Here" or "Days of Summer." It is summer time for me. 8 weeks of being home, work/worry free. And yes, it feels amazing.

Anyone that knows me well enough knows that I have shared more than a fair amount of complaints about what I do but this school year but now I have arrived to a place where I am at peace with the job that fell into my lap almost 6 years ago. This was a "split year" for me. I started out the school year based and full time at one school and half way through was transferred and serving 6 schools. Talk about a culture shock. None of it was easy and looking back at the past few months I can say confidently that I did the best that I could and got the job done. I do not believe that my work schedule will be the same next Fall - don't know yet my new assignment but I have a feeling that it will be rewarding... an assignment I have worked hard for and had to step up and speak out for. I am at a point that I am able to see a "bigger picture" and anticipate new opportunities that will take me from "yes I like my job most of the time" to "this is it, I can see doing this for another 15-20 years." But summer break is here now and this is a time to rest.

For me, summer IS "simplicity." My typical day will follow the same schedule. During summer I focus a lot on food (nutritious food), exercise, and cleaning out the house. Being a mother and the duties required are also the bulk of that schedule. By the way, this is my third summer being a mother...wow.

A few things I look forward to now that summer is here:

-fresh fruit smoothies for breakfast

-a clean kitchen and scented candles

-reading books

-journaling

-painting

-taking walks

-swimming

-taking naps

-play dates in parks, who cares if it is 100 + degrees outside? this won't actually kill me

-church/youth small groups

-To Kill a Mockingbird

-the Farmer's Market

-matting and framing family pictures over the fireplace

-a trip to Nashville

-overnight guests

-dinners with friends

That is about it. Sound plain? Yes. Just the way I like it.

Pictures from Spring/Summers past:

March '08 Biscuits Game

April '08

May '08 Harper is born

May '08 Lily is born also :)

May '08 I hold Lily for the first time

June '08 Harper, meet Lily, Lily, meet Harper

July '08, Uncle Jay-c

May '09

July '09

August '09

April '10, Lily and Harper

Scattered, Tattered, Smothered, and Fried

2010-05-01T09:27:00.000-07:00

This post is not meant to be a b*tch fest but here it is...

A gray, muggy, hot and humid, Saturday with a LIST of things to do as soon as I get out of bed makes me feel UG. The morning started off with my weekly WW meeting. Babies up, changed, dressed and Mommy is out the door. (I "stayed the same this week) - no gains no losses in pounds that is which I consider a victory because I did not exercise once, enjoyed a few indulgences, and was going through what every woman goes through once a month - you get the picture.

I get home and the babies are restless and bored and clinging to my leg saying "Mama" over and over because they need attention and something to do. Meanwhile, I haven't had breakfast or a shower and have 4 loads of laundry sorted on my bedroom floor. Also, I need to pay the babysitter, make a grocery list and get the shopping done, spend time shopping with/for Nick because the poor guy has been wearing the same jeans and polo shirts everyday for the last... 5 year? Shop for decor for the youth room at Church which is under top secret construction before Wednesday's big reveal. I need to get the 5-7 coffee cups and Publix bags filled with the weeks' sack lunch leftovers cleared off of the dining room table and change the sheets on all of the beds. I need to bathe Ali, although, I'm sure she can wait one more day, which is probably really one more week. And mentally prepare for leaving the girls with their grandparents/sitters tonight so that we can enjoy dinner with our wonderful Pastor and his wife.

Sounds like a lot right? And it is.

And this is what it means sometimes to be the mom, the wife, the house keeper. It really is a privelage and I wouldn't change it for the world. I guess my question is: is it normal to feel overwhelmed looking at the "list" of things to do on a day where really of my responsibilities are really still luxuries?

Two Sweet Moments

2010-04-28T18:20:00.000-07:00

Two sweet moments happened today.

One, I heard Lily tell me "no" for the first time.

We were playing outside this afternoon, perfect day for it. I had just taken down the "baby swings" and re-hung the "big girl" swings. Harper caught on like a pro. She sat, she grabbed onto the chain, and she locked her eyes on mine, silently saying, "you will catch me if I fall right?" We swung low and we swung slowly. Back and forth. Swinging like a big girl. I noticed Lily standing about 6 feet behind me, watching this new trick, intensely. I asked, "Lily, do you want to come and swing like a big girl?" She looked at me, she looked at the swing, she looked back at me, and then she said, "Nome... nome, nome, nome, nome, nome" and walked away, back towards the porch... almost like she was worried I would make her try it. I didn't make her try of course; she was very clear that she did not want to try. They both have been saying "yes" for about two months now in response to questions (do you want more? do you want to go outside? etc.) But until this moment had they never verbalized the "not-yes" - only silence and blank stares. I seriously had a moment. Seated on the grass, smiling at Harper, pushing her in the swing, and seeing her little feet brush the ground beneath her, glancing back at the other child carrying a football around the yard, I thought my baby just told me 'no' while the other is swinging in a real swing.

The second sweet moment happened just after bath time. I took Harper out of the tub first and into their room for diaper and pjs. Harper was squirmy and whiny and kept saying, "Nini? Nini?" I asked her, "what? Harper what do you want?" Again, "Nini?" I asked, "Do you want Lily?" and the happiest little light in her eyes turned on and she said, "Yessssss!!!" Of course, she wanted Lily.

I told Nick when he got home tonight, as cheesy as it sounds, "This is it. These are the moments where they are growing up right out from underneath us."

I know they can't always be our infants but I'm pretty certain they will always be our babies.

Blind Sides

2010-04-24T09:31:00.000-07:00

It is one of those morning where the sky is gray and the coffee is so good. We spent the morning out and about. Me running a few errands and Nick and the babies eating breakfast in Pville, helping to raise funds for the Youth Choir. Now, I am having a little bit of "me" time on the porch, raining on the porch tin roof now... HARD.

***

Yesterday we watched "The Blind Side" and I cried during the entire movie. I don't know exactly why. Maybe because I saw the faces of the majority of my students in "Big Mike." Maybe because this movie/true story is so touching in itself. Rich white family in the deep south adopts a black boy from the projects and gives him an opportunity at education, sports, and family that he would not have ever gotten otherwise, due to the elements that goes with poverty, addiction, and the "system". This family took all of this on while being judged and even mocked by "friends," certainly society, and even the NCAA.

I have had one or two students that I have prayed about before...telling God, "if you want me to have her... I'll take her." One day last summer I was folding towels, thinking about this one little girl and her twin sister and their crack addicted mother - father in "lock up" (first grade girl's exact words). I was thinking how this little girl would stop by my room every morning just to say hi and ask how my babies are doing. And could she come over some time. And could she have my phone number because she promises she would call. Anyway, I kept folding and saying, "impossible. impossbile." Later that day I had some down time and flipped to that day's devotion in my Bible and the verse for that day was "what is impossible with man is possible with God." I cried then and there ... not because I believed that she would come home with me but for shame. Shame on me for dismissing a desire in my heart that could only be possible and arranged by our Great God. From then on, I agreed with myself to be open minded and open hearted and just believe... it may not actually happen, but it is not impossible.

My lack of faith that day is kind of like Sandra Bullock described in the movie... there has to be someone there to protect the blind side of the quarterback. Someone who can change the game with the right play because of their instinctive defense skills and tackles. We all have a "blind side." A lot of us genuinely know, love, and trust God but there are these little areas where we doubt. In fact, most times, we don't even know we have doubts... we don't recognize that we need protection from...whatever it is...until it hits you from behind.

Of course it is ok to doubt. You even learn that at church. What do you do with it though? You don't ignore. In fact, I say, be encouraged and excited about your doubts. It is in these small spaces in your heart and head that only God can touch. My dearest friend Sully, now in Heaven, used to say, "Stop your worrin' Mielke. Sit back and watch Him work."

Amen, Sully.

Picture Post

2010-04-23T10:14:00.001-07:00

These are photos taken at The Waters one Spring afternoon. The weather was nice and the scenery was breath taking. A friend of mine, Jackie Lucas, is an excellent photographer and comes to you... home, outdoors, or there is her in home studio. Check out her website at http://littleacornphoto.com

Jackie, thanks for the memories... and the images!

GUYS

2010-04-21T18:07:00.000-07:00

are funny to me.

I sat in on the boys HABIT small group tonight at church to listen to the boys discuss issues about when to listen to the "world" and when to listen to God. It was quite entertaining.

I looked around at 10-15 young preteen and teen faces and watched them cut eyes at each other after making a joke, high five each other after each correct answer, and some fiddle with their baseball caps.

I love little guys. I love their sense of humor and wit the most. No matter what age a little guy is, he can usually make me laugh the same way someone my age can. Most of all, I love watching the different kinds of guys- the cute one, the smart one, the shy one, the artsy one - and attaching a little guy from my past to who that guy is now... and who he will become. I don't mean to sound creepy but I can pick out the ones that I would have thought were cute then... and the ones that I encourage the girls to be friends with because one day, he will be the knight in shining armor - not that the two can't be one in the same. At times I can see past the braces and blemished complexions and see exactly what he will look like as a man and I think, "one day, some girl and some daughter are going to be so completely and desperately in love with him." Does he know what an honor that is? Will he be great? Does he have anyone to teach him how to love a woman the way she deserves... and/or the way she needs to be loved as a result of her past in order to compliment her or mend her?

And the girls... oh the girls. I watch them too. I haven't found myself in this crowd yet. I don't know if I could pick myself at 15 out of a crowd of 100 girls. Because myself at 15 was so incredibly not who I am now. Relationships... I was so bad at them. Some time, ask me how my male relationships really damaged my self image and how if it were not for God's healing mercies and Nick's unconditional love it is terrifying who I would be and who I would be with ... and without... today.

***

Last night's episode of Glee was focused on how the guys were treating the girls with disrespect - being too macho, too sexist, even superior. At first, Finn, Puck, and Artie didn't get it. Even Mr. Shu had some listening and figuring out to do. It all boils down to how fundamentally different we are. The hormonal changes, examples, and influences we get not only shape who we are but how we treat each other. I have a growing desire to share some of my deep dark experiences with these youth... especially the girls. I know that in time, trust will be earned and hearts will be open and just as He always does, He will place people in each other lives, ready to listen when they need it the most.

Makes me think of the John Mayer lyrics from Daughters,

"Fathers be good to your daughters,

daughters will love like you do.

Girls become lovers, who turn into mothers.

So, mothers be good to your daughters too."

Good Morning

2010-04-21T05:20:00.000-07:00

Last night I felt the urge to start blogging again.

This morning I woke up earlier than usual and I took a walk. It may be one of the last mornings of this season that it actually feels chilly to be outside, before the sun is shining it's brightest, before the motion of the day sets in. It wasn't a long walk... a quick mile, maybe mile and a half, but my it was nice.

Then, after eating my oatmeal, I thought, why not a quick blog post while I "have the time."

So good morning to anyone who still reads this! Updates, thoughts, and pictures of my family and are coming!

Put On Your Gloves

2010-02-02T12:11:00.000-08:00

I'll start by saying it is not every day that I have days like this one. I "slept in" until 7a.m. and drank my two cups of coffee in bed while listening the my favorite (the only) Dr. Charles Stanley. His sermons alway rekindle a fire in my soul and a recharged love for God. His sermons also always leave me asking a few questions as well, but that is not the point of this post today.

I took a great shower - ladies you know what I mean, fellas get your mind out of the gutter. The kind of shower where you immediately put back on a P.J. type outfit, you don't dry your hair, and definitely don't put on make up. Then I scanned the house for what to "get done" first. My husband urged me not to clean but to instead truly take the day off by relaxing, recharging, and some other word that indicates "mental health and wellness" - the kind of day off I haven't done, all YEAR and definitely don't have time for on Saturdays.

Then came an email. This email was an invitation to participate in consigning Spring/Summer baby clothes in "My Kid's Attic" upcoming sale. I shopped in this kind of sale last Fall and was amazed at the amounts of kids' clothing at such affordable costs. My friend Jackie dubbed the event "Mommy Fight Club" seeing as how it takes place in a basement level HOT showroom and caters to about 200 mommies all on the hunt for smocked dresses, onesies, and baby gear at shockingly low prices. It can get brutal but this year, as a consigner, I am excited to dive in head first, get my top pics, and yes, volunteer as an organizer and check out Mom - during 2, 6 hour shifts.

Friends of mine have recently posted about the guilt associated with the "weening" process of breastfeeding. I am experiencing a different yet similar kind of guilt (sort of). I am having a hard time being ok with the fact that I will be selling/giving away my babies' infant clothes. I don't know why... most people spend a lot of time looking for opportunities to clean up and clean out. I am usually looking for the same opportunities. However, as I DIG through the 4 tall Rubbermaid pink plastic bins full of dresses and sleepers I am finding it hard to "let go." Each garment has a memory attached to it. I can see photographs in my mind of the day H&L wore a particular garment and my heart kind of twinges. "This is what they wore to their first eye appointment," or "this is an outfit my friend Tracy gave them at their baby shower." I admit their are a few pieces I just can't give or sell away. Ironically, the garments that would make me the most money are just not pieces I am willing to sell i.e. smocked dresses, designer onesies, etc. I may never have a baby girl again in which to "reuse" these clothes but I want a few outfits for the twins to be able to have one day to hold up and say, "I wore this tiny thing!?" And no question about it, I will NEVER rid myself of anything labeled "preemie." That handful of clothes is just too precious... and doesn't take up that much room in their closet anyway.

So that is the plan. This Saturday I will load up my car with a few dozen outfits and make the trip to the place where the "fight" will take place. Of course, all of this sorting through and trips down "Memory Lane" means I am officially in training for next Fall's "fight."

Our Weekend

2010-01-10T07:36:00.000-08:00

We had such a great fun filled weekend.

Friday night we visited with some friends and about 12 other couples for "Weird Beer Night." The object of the game was in the name of the game. We sampled 10 unusual beers that couples brought and gave them scores based on a few factors. There were also delicious cheeses, crackers, and taco soup. I stayed up a little later than I normally do but it was really fun. I even ended the night by singing lead to "21 Guns" and "Dirty Little Secret" during Rockband.

Saturday we pretty remained as lazy bones around the house. We watched "Sunshine Cleaners" and ate leftovers until 2 in the afternoon when we decided it was time to get up and do something. So we all bundled up and drove to see our friends the Spiveys in Wetumpka. You know there are those afternoons that you just feel like driving outside of the city? Their home and land surrounding is beautiful and it was nice to see their sweet baby. Saturday night we watched, well started, the movie State of Play. So far it is really suspenseful but around 10:30 we had a crying baby who needed some extra attention and a breathing treatment before really going night night. By 11 it was just time to "get in it" as we call going to bed at our house.

Then this morning, my suspicions became real concern. These babies might have pink eye. I don't know yet if it is viral or allergic but they both are a little swollen and have the yuckies after they sleep. Once I clean them up it isn't that gross and they aren't complaining or rubbing their eyes. So maybe it isn't pink eye? I really don't know. I do know that to take them to the church nursery would not be kewl. So here were are this morning, playing in their warm nursery, with blocks, and books, and plush animals. Their favorite toy these days is the Noah's Arc and pairs of animals they got for Christmas. I love that every animal says, "RAAAAAAAAAARRRR" according to Lily. Lions, bears, tigers, rabbits, birds, and butterflies. I love that when Harper is ready for her nap she throws down whatever she is playing with and sprawls herself on the floor and start sucking her thumb and humming, "hmmmmmm. hmmmmmm" like "come on mama, you see me soothin' myself, now put in my crib!"

The rest of the day I will be doing chores and hoping to have some time to curl up and finish "The Lovely Bones." Also, I have a recipe to try for some home made soup. I'll give it a go and post the recipe if it is any good.

Happy Sunday all! Can you believe we are almost half way through January?

Playing Outside

2010-01-08T09:46:00.001-08:00

Here is a little video, short and sweet, that I put together to show our latest favorite afternoon activity. At first, the babies were unsure about walking around on the grass, so different from tile and hard wood floors, but once they got used to it they cried when it was time to come inside! It is in moments like these that I am most thankful for my beautiful children.

Song "Letters From Far Away" by Coldplay

more about "Playing Outside", posted with vodpod

Things to do, later.

2010-01-05T11:45:00.000-08:00

What is it about me that needs and thrives off of structure, planning, cleanliness, and organization yet dreads some activities that involve just that?

A few examples:

I don't mind dusting and vacuuming our bedroom but I hate washing dishes and cleaning the bathrooms.

I love to pencil in appointments and due dates on my calendar but I hate opening gmail and reading through my emails especially if I have to respond.

I love the feeling after a great walk or workout at the gym when I happen to go but I hate, really hate, thinking all day, "I NEED to go this afternoon" so much that a lot of times I talk myself out of it.

I love to buy a few new garments or accessories every once in a while when I find something great unexpectedly or on sale but when I have a gift card or money saved up and go out to look for something I get overwhelmed and want to give up 10 minutes after I start shopping.

My car needs gas but I hate stopping to get it and the same goes for grocery shopping... i love food and a stocked and organized pantry/fridge but I usually dread the grocery store.

And I love my little dog more than any other little dog in the world but why do I say for weeks, "I need to get her groomed" or "bathe her and comb her out 1,000,000 times" before I make the appointment?

Those are just to name a few.

I really do wonder why I have so many inner hesitations about little stuff that really aren't that big of a deal. It is odd. Or is it normal? What are some things you dread or put off that make you feel good once you get it done?

New Year brings New Home

2010-01-03T12:49:00.000-08:00

Nick and I visited our new Church home this morning. Over the Christmas Holiday, within the span of about 7 days, Nick was offered a Youth Pastor position at a nearby church and he accepted. I compare my feelings of sitting in the pew this morning to the feelings I had when we did our first "walk through" in the house that we live in now. It just felt right. I looked at the structure of the sanctuary and the lighting. I closed my eyes and listened to the organ and the piano play. I smiled back at hundreds of welcoming faces and most importantly I received inspiration from the sermon and restoration through Communion. When we looked at our house, the same day we made the offer to buy, I walked into the back yard and all the way back to the fence. I wanted to see what our home looked like from a point of view that not many people would see. Yes, curb appeal is important, but for me I wanted to picture this house as my home by looking at it through the eyes of a girl expecting big things to happen at this home: nights spent on the porch with friends, reading a book while basking in the sun, playing ball with our little Ali Carrie, and chasing toddlers around with bare feet. Sitting in the front of the church I did a similar exercise. I wondered who I would see give testimonies. I pictured youth going through Confirmation under the leadership and guidance of Nick. I pictured that my own children would be called for the kids' minute in front of everyone before heading off to their own services during Children's Church. Big decisions need assuring moments and visions such as these to help us be at peace and have expectation for the upcoming journey.

I could not be happier for my husband as I know that he is excited and rejuvenated to serve in this area of ministry. Mentoring kids, particularly, junior and senior high school youth aged people is a big responsibility... a task that quite frankly I feel he could not be more "qualified" to do. I love that my husband loves his job. I love that he appreciates and savors every moment of his daily routine in the commute to work, the preparations and correspondences he conducts at his desk while sipping his coffee and listening to some Mr. Tony or other podcast no doubt, the contacts and relationships, the traveling for mission trips and retreats, as well as some of the challenges. I hope that I will be a useful partner to him in ministry... I wake up most mornings feeling like, "thank goodness I married him... where would I be had if not been for our swift dating period, engagement and marriage?" I shutter at the thought of whom else I could have settled for and my life without my children. I am also very thankful for the so much more than just "approval" that my family has for him. It has been such a blessing to see him grow as a person, husband, student, and youth pastor over the past 4 1/2 years. I cannot wait to see my expectations and visions for us and our future unfold. Congratulations my Love!

I Don't Want A Lot For Christmas...

2009-12-23T08:34:00.000-08:00

It would seem that "blogging is dead" as one friend of mine put it. I don't want that to be the case. It is just that I don't make the time to sit down and enjoy this ole' hobby like I used to. Another friend posted in his blog about writing letters to Santa. So here is mine.

Dear Santa,

I know I have been a naughty girl this year, and the year before that, and the year before that. But hopefully there are some nice things I have done that will out-weigh all of the bad. I watched "Miracle on 34th" last night and smiled at the end when Doris signed off of Susan's letter to you saying "I believe in you too." So if I deserve to make any requests here is what I am asking for, though none of it can be wrapped and be put under our tree...

A new year with new attitudes and new changes that will make my life better (this is not a resolutions post). I mean it. I want to really experience and express gratitude every day both for what has been given to me and for what I have worked for. I want to learn to share. I want to clean out what is not needed to make room for what truly is. I want to stop being my worst critic. I want to make goals and actually follow through in achieving those goals. I want to start making and keeping promises. I want to stop complaining. I want to learn to forgive. I want to stop being afraid, nervous, and anxious at times. I want to do something I didn't think that it was possible for me to do. I want to go to church. I want to everyday with my husband and my babies to be the best day. I want to teach my children lessons that they will use when doing good in the world. I want to start writing things down for them. I want to start writing captions on the backs of photos like our ancestors did and making photo albums. I want to hang a lot of pictures on the walls like families do in the movies.

That is really all I can think of right now. It isn't a complicated list and like I said, you can't wrap any of this up for under the tree and you can't unwrap it and show it off to your friends. But I have given it thought, and am still giving it thought, and for Christmas this year, these are the things that I really really want.

Sincerely,

Laura

Thanksgiving

2009-11-27T07:52:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving Day. We went to my mom and dad's house and visited and filled our plates! We ate a non traditional meal of standing rib roast, mashed potatoes, green beans, rice pilaf, spinach souffle, and of course pecan pie. My favorite dish was the from scratch green bean casserole my dad made with "real" green beans, cream, mushrooms, butter, and home made onion rings. It was so good I had two large helpings. We took our mom and dad Christmas picture as seen below. After lunch the babies played in the fall leaves. Every year I have more and more to be thankful for which is sometimes just overwhelming. This time last year my children were battling RSV and pneumonia and just barely over 8 pounds. Now they are so healthy, walking, and asking "wha's Daaa!?" for "what's that!?" Also, I think Harper has picked up some of my language and started saying, "das shwee" for "that's sweet." Love it.

Today Nick is out picking up our Christmas tree for our traditional day after Thanksgiving Christmas decorating. I am really really looking forward to this Holiday season because the babies will be true participants. They stare in wonder at the pink tree in their room. They enjoy ripping paper and they listen to stories. We have the perfect Nativity for them to hold and play with as they get older as they listen to the story of how baby Jesus was born. I picture my Nativity being passed down to my great great grandchildren and their mother telling them they can hold the lamb and the shepherd and her thinking how special it will be that generations of little sticky fingers have played and listened with these little figurines.

Just the Way I Like It.

2009-11-06T15:50:00.000-08:00

Lately. It has been a whirlwind of events. So much that I wish that I had been posting all along but I didn't so now I will give abbreviated versions.

A much needed vacation. Last weekend I spent 4 wonderful relaxing days in Destin with my family. This was the first beach trip I have taken in 5 years... and I LOVE the beach so much. This was also the first time Nick and I have ever been to the beach together... and of course the first time the babies have ever been as well. Harper and Lily were so perfect on this trip. They napped well, they ate well, they played well, they went to bed awesome! I took long walks on the beach. I read a book. I ate a lot of delicious (not so low cal) foods, I drank wine, I played Bananas, watched football, ate at a really fancy restaurant, and even did a little outlet mall shopping. This trip came on the heels of a pretty stressful first 11 weeks of work/school year...

The job. My co workers and I were all reassigned to new schools and I picked up 5 new schools to serve... total is 7. This is really really exciting news for me. Not only do I get to meet and work with a new caseload of kids but these kids have disabilities and other issues that are sure to challenge me personally and professionally in a good way... one that will make me a better teacher and coworker. I cannot express how excited I am to start this new journey/chapter in my career. November 4th marked the 5 year mark in my job and these five years have both crept and flown by... kind of weird. I'll tell you all about it sometime... come over, have a glass of wine... there are way to many details to spill out here.

While at the beach...my mother said, "is that your makeup caked under your eyes or are those just really dark circles?" (gee, thanks... but no, really thanks) Answer: "probably both." A long time ago I gave up spending too much on things I don't really "need." Under eye concealer was one of those things. I started buying a cheap brand at the grocery store and moved on. But Mom's question sealed the deal... it is ok to spend a little more on a product that "conceals" fatigue and makes me feel better about myself... and actually works. So while I was at the outlet mall I splurged a little and bought my favorite cosmetic: Bobbi Brown face touch up kit... includes concealer, blemish corrector, base, and yellow finishing powder...a dab of all of it for under $50. So worth it. I kid you not, the very first day back to work I had people that have seen my tired face every day for 3 years say, "you look great... so rested and so happy." I just smiled and said, "I feel good inside and out."

My babies. They are sick tonight. They both have colds and respiratory flare ups. This really isn't that uncommon in our household but what makes this time different is that they are bigger and older now and don't deal with pain and discomfort as well as they do when they are tiny infants and they don't know any better. Lily is so much more active now that she is a walker and it is impossible to explain (or make) an 18 month sit still long enough for her little congested wheezing lungs to heal. Harper, on top of this crud, has a condition that is giving her a urinary tract infection. We are treating this with 2 ointments and hoping that we won't need to have a more invasive "procedure" done in the future... so if you are the praying type please lift up the babies.

The Biggest Loser I Know. I am really proud of my friend Jason. He is showing me every day what it means to make health a top priority... making better food choices and getting up and moving...did you know that doing both of those things will help you lose extra weight and live longer?

T.V. I really enjoy The Biggest Loser, SYTYCD, Project Runway, Top Chef, Mad Men, and Jeopardy. I just recently started tvoing Dr. Phil again... he has one more chance but the next time I see T.D. Jakes or "the Doctors"... delete delete. Also, I watched the latest episode of Modern Family and think I could get into this. I am really excited about when Friday Night Lights will start airing re-runs.

The Bible. I have been reading it a lot lately (not to pat myself on the back). Wow. There is so much to learn from it. And there is a reason that it is called "living." I have really been going back to passages on "Simon/Peter" and "Lazarus" over the past month and what I have learned from them has changed my life.

Dr. Charles Stanley... thanks to him I a) read the Bible b) understand what I am reading.

Tonight. I am thankful for a great day at home with my babies... being a mom really is the best job ever for me. Pizza and a movie with my Love.

Tomorrow. Absolutely no plans. Just the way I like it.

Because I need to stop grumbling...

2009-10-12T17:21:00.000-07:00

I'll list things that make me happy right now:

-seeing Lily walking 8-10 steps

-seeing Harper go from the "keep to herself" baby to the clingy one and saying Mama, curling up on my chest and then sucking her thumb

-reading a good book on my lunch break

-upcoming volunteer opportunities

-seeing Nick in his final semester of grad school

-having amazing friends that invite themselves over and bring pizza and cookies to bake

-watching Jeopardy at night with Nick

-three quarter length cotton sweaters and big earrings

-"Assets" (like Spanks-have you tried these!?)

-pajama pants at 4 in the afternoon

-upcoming beach trip with my family

-Jazz apples

-friends' new babies

This post started out as a rant fest.. but I deleted it and started over because really all of my "problems" are still just luxuries...

2009-10-10T08:18:00.000-07:00

It seems that blogging has moved so far down on my priority list that I can't even feel the desire lately and that makes me sad. It is kind of like yard work... it will always be there to get done tomorrow but you really wish you had the energy to get it done right now.

I wrote in my last post that my life has been emotional lately. It still is but it is better now. I have finally accepted the loss of my friend Sully. A few times I have wanted to pick up the phone and call her and had to remeber, I can't. But in those moments I pause and go over in my head what I would say to her and what she would say back to me if she were here and it is kind of like having her still around, though not really.

September has ended and I am in the in between stages of wanting to be excited about Fall and the Holidays but this Indian Summer we are experiencing is making me feel like the excitement is on hold.

My routine of walking in the mornings before work has been nonexistent over the last few weeks and I am feeling the consequences. Tired, sluggish, and FAT. Thursday night at Target, Nick and I were cruising the isles and coming up with a morning game plan that will start Monday that will include both of us getting our workouts in first thing. This has been a challenge before considering one of us has to be here with the babies while they sleep in before going to the babysitters. I'll let you know how that goes.

JMG posted about fiber. A couple of ways I get mine is by having a 100 calorie flatbread (6 g fiber) in the morning with a piece of fruit and a whole grain wrap (9 g fiber) with a salad chocked full of broccoli, cauliflower, red and green bell peppers, and olive oil vin. for lunch. Also, I have popcorn and other fruits throughout the day then a side of couscous or wild rice with my protein for supper.

I stayed home with Harper yesterday after we took her to the doctor. Seems that she has had a 24 hour stomach bug. She is feeling better today but I might have a strain of it myself... can't tell yet. Nothing serious. While I was rocking her yesterday before her nap, she looked to the corner of their room and said, "buh-der-fwi." I was shocked and impressed! For the past couple of months we have been pointing to "light, fan, balls, butterflies" and as a speech therapist I know that a baby's receptive language develops a lot sooner than their expressive and certainly articulation but for my 17 month (14 month adjusted age) child to mutter a three syllable word that has a medial L-blend is really really exciting! They have been saying Mama and Dada for a while and signing when they are "finished" but under "Harper's first word" I will definitely be writing October 9, 2009 "butterfly." Jackie made the comment not to brag TOO much to Harper about this later in life for fear that she may come home from spring break when she is 16 with a butterfly tattooed on her butt or (worse) breast bragging, "it was my first word!" ALAS.

Saw David Sedaris last night in Birmingham... not just out mind you. He was doing a book reading/signing thing and a couple of friends and I made the drive, had dinner, and enjoyed his satyrical accounts of his experiences serving on jury duty, shopping at Costco, emailing a disabled sister, and a fable about a pissed off turtle and toad. I am glad I got to go... if you get the chance you should stop in a see him. I have to admit that for me, I have to really concentrate to comprehend what he is reading about and to understand the punchlines... his writing is packed full of analogies and often on topics like politics and current events that just don't naturally register in my brain but like I said overall I enjoyed myself. Short car rides are always fun with friends too... we all did a little venting and a whole lot of laughing. Definitely one of those evening that will probably always get referred to as , "remember the night we..."

And so nothing too spectacular going on today. Getting showered and ready to be with friends and watch football, doing some laundry, and maybe taking a stoll later on. Tomorrow a church young adults farm party before back to work on Monday (sigh)... but that is a whole 'nother post... that will probably never get written... stop by and see me on my porch for details on that.

Wake Me Up, When September Ends...

2009-09-27T10:49:00.001-07:00

September has been... too deep for words. But I'll try.

On September 9th I was present for the birth of one of my best friend's baby girl. I have to admit that I sort of hung around in the delivery room until she asked, "do you want to stay?" in which I eagerly replied, "oh please let me stay! I'll sit in the corner and I won't say a word the whole time just please let me watch." The moments leading up to the birth were phenomenal... watching the mother work so hard, hanging on to every breath, working, breathing, never complaining, but one word describes seeing a new life come into the world, "spiritual"... awe inspiring really. To watch a baby being born is so cool on so many levels. If you haven't seen it yourself, or experienced your own child being born, then you can guess how the emotions are. I trembled and laughed through my tears as I watched a family embrace this new little person and welcome her into their lives. To hear the baby cry and see her father's eyes shine with pride and mother's eyes glisten with anticipation is a remarkable experience that at the end of the day left me saying, "thank you Lord for letting me be a part of this..." and the to the parents of Campbell, "thank you."

***

This past Thursday I was at work and asked by an abnormally high number of people, "How is Mrs. Sullivan? Have you talked to her?" "No, not lately, She needs her space, but I am going to call her today." I called my dear friend whom many of you know about... a lady that I taught with for 4 years who you could say is my true Godmother.

Flash back. Every day while we worked together, we shared diet cokes, popcorn, laughs, tears, prayers, and gossip. She taught me about what it means to endure life's hardest trials: divorce, illness, death of loved ones, except all with a smile and a never faltering faith in God and His mercies and multitude of blessings, in the form of specific answered prayers and in the small things in life that brings us joy like lunch with a friend and a Bloody Mary or a hot piece of cornbread and home made vegetable soup. You see, "Sully" had beat so many health obstacles such as cancer and a brain aneurysm that one could argue what faith could you have left after so much pain and suffering? But she never asked "why me?" She never troubled people with any complaining. When she told me about her sufferings and conquerings she always said, "God made it a piece of cake... I don't want to do it again, but it really wasn't that bad." She helped me see that nothing we worry about day to day is really even worth our time.

She retired from teaching at the same time that I took my maternity leave in May of 2008. I didn't know that it would be our last year together and I am glad I didn't. Over the past year up until now, she kept a secret: the cancer was back and this time was determined to take her life. Remember what she said about the chemotherapy? "It wasn't that bad, but I don't want to do it again."

Around the time that the floods happened in Montgomery in May of 2009 I spoke to her on the phone about attending my babies' first birthday party. She sounded weak but sincerely sorry that she wouldn't be able to come. She said she would be spending the weekend in a hotel because the rain water had ruined her home and staying there was not possible. I said, "Sully, a hotel? You know you are welcome to stay with us..." She said, "No Mielke, I need to be alone. Peace and quiet. God and I have some serious talking to do." She needed to know what was coming and who would be taking care of her son Christian, 30 something and living with Down Syndrome - totally dependent on his "Mama." The party went on but she was missed. I wanted so badly to see her white spiked hair and pink eye shadow and big bright smile as she would have sat under the shady tree giving God all the credit for these miracle babies being celebrated on their first birthday. I called her the following week. Thankfully she answered her cell phone, in the hospital where she would stay for the next 3 months. I went to see her one evening and I wept because there was my Sully in a medically induced sleep, tubes and ventilator and all... for the next couple of months she slept and lost weight and even in her sleep appeared to be going through more pain than anyone could endure. I asked that dreaded question, "why?" So that is how the summer went... I'd wait on Nick to get home from work, we would play with the children, feed them, put them down for bed, and I would drive to the hospital and sit beside her, read to her, tell her about my day, and how much I missed her and knew that she would pull through this. I'll never hear Cold Play's "Lovers in Japan" without also being taking back to what it was like to drive down the Troy Highway with the windows down, summer's sweltering hear causing me to perspire while I sipped on cold icey lemon flavored water, wondering, "how will she be tonight?" But one spectacular night I went to visit and her eyes were open! She couldn't speak because of the trachea tube that was in her throat making it possible for her to breathe but she could mouth simple phrases. I crept up beside her bed and I said, "hey Love!?!" She mouthed these words, "Thank you Lord" as she held her hands up and looked to the sky. After that she would ask for water which I couldn't give to her because of her condition. She was so thirsty and she twisted in bed because of the pain of her stomach, neck, back, and shoulders. She coudn't remember my name or any other simple questions I would ask her... sheer confusion about where she was and what was going on but something prompted me to ask her, "Sully, do you know who your Father is?" She mouthed, "God." Then I said, "Sully, do you know Psalm 23:4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death..." and she put her hands up again, looked to the sky, and began saying it with me... word. for. word. It was amazing. This person who didn't know what day it was and shook her head when I explained that she had a tube in her throat, knew every word of this Psalm... Proof that God's Word was truly written on her heart.

The next few weeks were the same. Confusion, thirst, discomfort. Then one day the nurses told me she had been moved to another hopsital. When I showed up at her new room I braced myself for what I might see but the opposite conditions were observed. I walked in and sitting up in bed, using a knife and fork to cut a pork chop, she looked up at me and I said, "Well look who is back!?" Her first words were, "When is the party? What do the babies need?" I said, "Sully, it is August now. The party was in May." "Oh, I missed it" she said. "Yea, you did," I laughed. For the next two hours we compared our experiences of what the past three months had looked like for both of us. I told her (though without gory details) about how I visited her and wanted her to open her eyes and talk to me. I told her that she asked for water and I couldn't five it to her. I told her that she had recited Psalm 23. She stared in amazement and said, "Mielke, if you asked me to do that right now I couldn't tell you how it even starts, I never was good at memorizing Scripture." She said that the she didn't remember a single visit nor did she remember any pain or anything about any hospital at all. She said that all she remembered was being at the lake, with all of her friends and family, and wearing diamond and other jewel adorned gloves. She said the image of the sun on the water and the shimmering of the jewels was so vivid that it could not have been a dream... it was real. She was somewhere else in her deep deep sleep. While I stood at her side in grief she basked in the sun.

In August she was released. The next couple of weeks she spent time at home, rehabilitating to some degree, but more importantly she spent time with Christian watching Charles Stanley on t.v. and enjoying being "lazy bones" together as she always said was her favorite thing to do. But three weeks ago she took a turn. Back to long term care she went. I spoke to her mother in law a few times who said, "Hunny, I'm afraid this time it is worse than before." Worse!? How could it be worse?"

Flash forward to Thursday September 24th. "How is Mrs. Sullivan?" they asked. On Thursday I drove directly from work to see her at the hospital. Her room was dark, the machines were loud. She was asleep again, and this time her eyes would not open. I told her I loved her and that I would be back every day until she was sitting up eating pork chops in bed again. I left at 5p.m. just after Jay-Z and Barbra Streisand sang on Oprah. When I got home I talked to Jo, her mother in law, staying with Christian, and she asked if I would go with her to the hospital the next day to talk with the nurses and doctor and discuss the hard topic of hospice and DNR. I was in shock. I held it together on the phone but when we hung up I melted into Nick's loving arms because my heart was breaking... was this the end? At 9p.m. I took my phone to my nightstand where I plugged it into the charger and I walked back to the den to do some winding down and watch T.V. with Nick. At 10:15p.m. it was time for bed, one last check on the phone for Twitter updates and text messages, and there was missed call from "Sully at Home" and a frantic message from Jo, "Laura, the doctor wants me to come up to the hospital, come if you can."

I walked into the room at 11p.m. and for the next 55 minutes, myself and a handful of close relatives embraced, cried, laughed by sharing stories, and each took a turn talking to Sully. I sat right beside her and looked into her now open eyes. Did she see me? I can't tell. Her eyes were fixed on me but I didn't see her in there. I wondered, "How long will we be here? 1 a.m.? 3a.m." At exactly midnight, her breaths became shallow and further apart. The four of us laid our hands on her and all kept saying, "Go now, go Home, we love you and will miss you but it is time for you to go Home." I shook and my head fell and I heard myself cry out, "Oh Sully!?!?" and I promise you at that moment a light flashed before my tight shut eyes and the wind was knocked out of me... I felt light headed, but not weak. I don't remember hearing anyone else in their crying out... I looked up at her face and we all knew, she was gone. Spiritual, phenomenal, thankful.

***

Such beautiful moments in time: a birth and a death... all in the month of September. Has my life changed from being witness to the beginning and end of the circle of life? YES. But how? I am not sure yet... still processing it all. I may never be able to tell anyone what this month has meant for me but the feelings I am having right now are very very real:

Spiritual, phenomenal, thankful.

35 minutes

2009-09-02T18:32:00.001-07:00

Today marks a full week (and a day) of getting up earlier to go walking at the gym before work. I get to the gym at 5:15 a.m. and walk on the treadmill for 35 minutes. It may not sound like a lot but going from a pretty sedentary lifestyle (exercising maybe once a week, sad I know) over the past 3 years to going to a gym 5 days a week is HUGE. The thing is, the first two years of our marriage, we threw money at another gym every month and honestly? Money WASTED. We never went and by never I mean once every 2 or 3 months because "we really should." This time, when we joined - contract free- and with so many other amenities such as pool, aerobics classes, tennis, yoga, childcare, and access to the many other in town locations we knew we really couldn't lose. My gym is a 9 minute walk from my house and about a 2 minute drive. I'll admit that I didn't use the facility as much as I should have this summer but as I have mentioned before when not on a "routine" I go all out and do nothing. Being back in the swing of work and being inspired by JMG and his weightloss endeavors I have a realization last week... I am not getting any younger, I am not as happy with my shape as I could be, and if I don't get moving now my body may never gain the health benefits I will need in my later years. 35 minutes in the early morning is a small sacrifice for the positive changes I hope to see soon and over the years. It is funny, the first night I set my alarm with the intentions to get up and exercise I was giddy. At 4:45 a.m. my eyes POPPED open and ever since then I have even tried to convince myself to snooze but the truth is... I don't want to. I really really enjoy going. I see the same faces. I use the same machine. I listen to the news on CNN. I stretch and work out the kinks in my neck and shoulders that have been causing these "cricks" in my neck that I used to never have when I was more active...granted I believe they are caused by the constant lifting I do having twins 18 pound pounds each now... so that and inactivity puts a lot of strain on my neck, shoulders, and back. I hope to incorporate some weight lifting at night in the coming weeks. I have some good friends at work that are also getting up and getting moving and we are weighing in every Monday and keeping track of pounds gained and lost.

I feel like talking about exercise and weight loss among women is kind of "tacky" like talking about money can be tacky sometimes. Women have an innate bashfulness when it comes to patting themselves on the back because we don't want to come across as braggy or over confident. I really just wanted to share this because this is a really positive thing happening in my life right now and to say that if you are close by and need a morning walking partner then I would love for you to join me!

My List of To Do's

2009-08-30T08:09:00.000-07:00

My blogging friends have starting a list of what they want to do when the grow up. My turn.

-birth another child in my 30's.

-adopt a child from my community (currently reading "The Women Who Raised Me" by Victoria Rowell, amazing memoir about adoption/foster care in the 60's and Maine's laws against a white family adopting a black child)

-get my Master's degree (special education? speech? general education?)

-live in an old house

-take one good trip every year, with our children

-learn to ride horses

-do something teaching and aiding young mothers

-participate in an excursion where you swim/play with dolphins

-go on a silent retreat (thanks Steph, have always wanted to but probably wouldn't have thought to post it if I had not read it on your post)

-start a new career (???? although I love my job I have an underlying feeling that it isn't what I'll be doing for the next 20 years)

-quit smoking (once and for all - for those of you who don't know, yes, I do, ug)

A Funny Story

2009-08-27T17:50:00.000-07:00

Everyone of course is freaking out about H1N1 Swine Flu right? Don't touch this, sanitize that... my mom said she was at the grocery store last week and saw a woman with a mask on pushing her cart with her rubber gloved hands. I chuckled when she told me and took to heart her advice to "watch it" while I am at work at an elementary school where kids don't care that they sneeze at you and/or on you. I wash my hands and use hand sanitizer probably at least once a day... that's enough right?

WELL this morning, before work, I was at the YMCA doing my work out thing and when I was finished on the treadmill I followed YMCA/H1N1 protocol and "wiped down" the machine I used with the disinfectant and paper towels they provide. I walked over to the mats to stretch and cool down and as I was chugging a bottled water I also took in a breath and got choked up. At first it was the muffledtryingtokeepitcool type of cough but it turned into the kind of cough that you are kind of embarrassed to have in a public place... when I tell you I almost felt threatened by every eye in the place I mean I kind of felt like I had to bury my head in my t-shirt but what I really wanted to do was scream, "I don't have the flu!!! I choked on my water!!!" Seriously? Everyone looked at me like they wanted me to die and burn my body right then and there.

For bloggin's sake

2009-08-24T15:36:00.000-07:00

I like how JG did his last post so here I go:

a few things to remember about me:

- i love asking "what's for supper?" (usually followed by, "do we have any money?"

- sometimes Nick and i get really absurdly tickled making funny faces at each other and talking to each other with a lisp

- i hate thinking about having to run errands after work... i like to come straight home

- pjs and watching a t.v. with Nick while he plays with my hair is my favorite

- i take bubble baths after i exercise

- i usually hate talking on the phone; i would much rather you just come by

- i am embarrassed by how much American (or World for that matter) history I should know but don't

- i get anxious and down right irritable when I am hungry

- fall festivities (carnivals, hayrides, pumpkin spice latte's, fleece jackets) give me butterflies in my stomach

- it has been 5 years since i went to the beach... but in October we are going with my family... excited is an understatement

- two of my closest friends are pregnant with baby girls

- lit candles in my home makes me feel cozy and at peace

- people at work consider me a positive person, which, although flattering, i think is a true sign that they really don't know me that well... my closest friends and family would probably say i am a natural worrier

- i perform tasks best under pressure/i procrastinate

- i can usually humor those around me by making impressions

- i miss church

What I (do I ) Do?

2009-08-22T06:47:00.000-07:00

November 10 marks the 5th full year I have been employed as a Speech Therapist working at the same elementary school. My drive to work is a very peaceful and uplifting part of my routine. I used to take the congested Taylor Road route but a year ago started cutting through Bell Road/Montecello and on the way I notice green pastures, ponds, and even buffalo... if you are familiar with Montgomery you know the house I am talking about. There is this one house that seems to have never been inhabited that sits back off of the road that I drive past and think is my dream house. It is two story, gray siding, wrap around porch, wooded back yard, long driveway. There is just something about this house that is perfect to me. In town yet secluded. On cool mornings I put the sunroof down and listen to NPR while I sip my coffee and drive 45 thinking "what a beautiful morning." Once I am at school I dig through my purse for my classroom keys and walk up the sidewalk, say hello to the bus drivers and crosswalk guards and head inside where I am washed over with the aroma of waffles and syrup. On the way to my room I watch tiny students bobble down the hallway with their huge backpacks as they pull their pencils out of their pockets to show their friends - new sharpened pencils can be a symbol of status when you are five. My room is always 70 degrees and smells like apple cinnamon. I check my email first, heat up my oatmeal, and start shuffling through the day's progress notes of who is coming in and what we will be working on. A lot of times my lesson does not match up completely with what is on the IEP because my students' needs are so much greater than single phonemes. I teach of lot of syntax, basic concepts, and pragmatics. Reading and listening comprehension, turn taking, and conversational skills are big targets in my classroom. I have never given out candy as rewards. Stickers and certificates mean more to the kids and aren't as bad for their teeth. If a student is really good and returns his homework he might earn a turn on the computer playing a language based game on a website called Grammar Crackers. I have friends at work too. There are a handful of ladies that I can talk to about babies, church, weight loss and gain, other students, and plans for an upcoming holiday. In between sessions I'll give Nick a call and ask how his day is going - who is he eating lunch with, how did his meeting go, what comes on T.V. that night...

Occasionally there is a student that really touches my heart. Last year I fell in love with a little girl I'll call Jan. Jan is 6 years old and lives with her mother, twin sister, and 15 year old brother. I have visited their house before and as I sat on their sofa talking with her mother I looked around, trying not to gawk, and noticed that there were no pictures on the walls or end tables, each kitchen cabinet door was open but there was no food in it, and the carpet was stained and bare in some spots. Jan's bed that she shares with her twin sister was simply a box spring and mattress with tears and rips and a single flat sheet. Jan would talk to me about seeing her mother go in and out of the hospital for "laughing too much." It is no secret to the faculty that her mother suffers with addiction - on and off. Jan has a foster mother and father but is no longer allowed to visit the foster mother because she is abusive. The times Jan has visited her dad in Georgia she said she didn't like staying there because she didn't like listening to her dad and his girlfriend do it. She said that she doesn't like that her dad lies to his wife and that she has to keep a secret. Jan has asked me about God and if I believe in Him and it is so hard to try to explain to a child in such circumstances that we have the same loving Father... she doesn't understand why she is scared and sad all of the time and she has begged me to let her come to my house.

One day in the summer I was thinking about Jan as I folded towels. I told God, "Lord, if you want me to, I'll take Jan, and her sister too." Then the thought came to me, "Impossible. Impossible. Two little black girls from the west side coming to live with a white family on the east side - plus I am one of her teachers? impossible." In that moment I felt strongly led to go and read my Bible... my daily devotional that is more like every other weekly devotional. I stopped what I was doing, turned to that exact date's daily reading, and there looking me in the face was the verse, "Jesus replied, 'what is impossible with man is possible with God." Luke 18:27. My blood ran cold through my veins and I put my hand on the page and looked up. I closed my eyes and made God the promise, "if you bring her to me, I'll take her as my own."

Jan is at a different school this year. Her mom found an apartment zoned for a different Title I school. I took her folders to the speech therapist that will be seeing her but before I left I went by her classroom. She ran from the door to grab me around the waist and she said, "oh Mrs. "Mikee." She didn't let go for a solid 10 seconds. She grew a few inches and gained a few pounds but her face is still the same. She tried to tell me how to get to her new house and that her brother doesn't go to school and that he got bitten by a police dog this summer for trying to rob a BP station. She asked how my babies are doing and I showed her a video clip on my cell phone of the babies playing in their nursery after bath time. She said, "ooh look at all those toys." Before I left she hugged me again and said, "ooh I love you." I bent down and said, "I care about you so much and I'll be coming to see you again soon." As I drove away I repeated the verse, "what is impossible with man is possible with God..."

It is mind boggling to me to think that her world and mine are just 12 minutes away.

Dining In

2009-08-15T07:45:00.000-07:00

This little arrangement of photos is something I have recently put together in our dining room. Top left is a picture of my grandmother Laura Kelly (one of the women I was named after). Diagonally from across on the bottom right is her with my mother Mary Prue. Bottom left is Mama with me. Top right is me with my daughters, and of course in the center, my babies when they turned one year old. This morning I framed a picture of my Great grandmother Laura Brightman but have not hung it yet. 4 generations of women and their daughters. The idea came to me when I was a little girl sifting through my mother's pictures. I found the two of them with their babies and imagined that one day I would frame all three of us together. I guess you could say I have had the dream of being a mother for a very long time and all it's duties and joys have definitely lived up to the dream. If I had a home with a staircase in the main entrance I would cover the walls, like they do in the movies, with old and new photographs but for now, my dining room wall is my pallete.

Also, I have started "setting the table." We do a lot of dinner hosting in our home. Not always for a large crowd. Most often it is just us and a friend or two but around the holidays especially our home is a place where everyone ends up. It seems like, in this day in age, eating around the t.v. with dinner trays is the easy and most comfortable way to dine, however, I have set a personal goal for our family to start dining at the table. Jason gave us a decorative plaque for our first home that reads "blessed is the home that shelters a friend." I like this idea because I love food and I love our friends. The dinner table should be a place where food and fellowship provide emotional and nutritional comfort and one way for me to stay motivated to do this is to keep a theme on the table. With each season I hope to have a matching floral arrangement and salt and paper shakers. I am not crazy about table cloths but eventually I will add to our place mats and napkins instead of the same ole' black place mates we have had for years. My favorite salt and peper shakers are two little silver Christmas trees I found at a flea market for $5. The two little birds you see in the picture were a gift from me to Nick last Christmas because we have a recent little obsession with birds ever since the babies were born. It seems like every time I walk into a flea market I find my way to table setting "things" but since I am not a fan of clutter I have always talk myself out of buying the ones that catch my eye. However, I do like the idea of collecting specific small inexpensive things so salt and pepper shakers may be just the items to fit that desire.

There is nothing like staying at home for real comfort. ~Jane Austen

Sympathy and Will

2009-07-31T09:08:00.000-07:00

It is hard to write this post because there really is no way that I can understand the feelings and emotions that the Ramer family of Opp is going through and I certainly don't want to belittle their story or make it into a freak show. If anything I just want to post my support of their feelings and to say honestly, I am praying for them.

Thursday, a friend of mine called me to ask for prayers. A child-hood friend of hers was at home, watching T.V. and went to check on her two year old twins, one boy and one girl. What she found changed her life forever. Both babies had managed to sneak out of the house and drown in the family swimming pool. This all happened Wednesday and today both babies are in Heaven. When Tara told me this news on Thursday... before it was on T.V. or in any newspapers my heart sunk. I haven't been able to shake this blues feeling for the mother and father that are missing their babies. And for the mother especially who must be blaming herself. God Bless you Ramer family.

****

I struggle a lot with the big question "why?" In my own life and certainly in tragedies like these. I never asked "why" until my own children were born prematurely last summer and I didn't know if they would live. It is a big big world and there is a lot of suffering that we don't want to imagine and can't explain. And people say, "It is God's will" but I don't believe that. I don't believe that God WILLS sick babies or fatal accidents or suicides. When we look at Genesis we see that God willed a perfect place for humans to live... no shame, no wants, no needs, except to live in harmony with Him and His creation. But, as the story goes on, Satan came in, tempted, convinced, and ruined that perfect will. We messed up and stepped outside that perfect will. And we have been living outside of it ever since. To me, I guess, that is why.

So then, "why didn't he change it or stop whatever from happening, why me?" Well... I tell myself... he didn't stop it from happening to His own son... why would He stop it from happening to me? I am not saying that everything is left to chance... I am saying I don't know how it happens... why some people are healed and some people aren't. Why some people are fed and some are starving? I don't know and I'll never know... it is WAY too big for my little brain to understand. I have to be careful not to let myself think that one day the "other shoe will drop." Nick says I am bad about that-cruising through life thinking, "this is all going too good... surely something bad is going to happen to me." But it has worked before... when I was pregnant I was cleaning my kitchen one day and thought, "two babies girls inside of me... this is too good to be true, Lord, I am scared." Didn't I know something was about to happen? When I had them at 27 weeks and looked at their 1 and 2 pound bodies in the incubator I thought to myself, "I knew it, I knew it Lord! It was too good to be true." All I could do was hang on and watch what was going to happen next. That is really what this earthly life is... watching each day unfold and doing the best we can to contribute to what is "good." It is not waiting for the other shoe to drop (how miserable to live a life so paranoid?) Jesus said, "I have told you these things so that in me you will have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world" (John 16:33).

It comforts me to know that Jesus knew His purpose and His fate from the start of His life. He was not afraid or bitter or angry. If only I could have that faith, to touch the hem of His garment and live in that peace for a moment... for the rest of my life... to teach my children to live that way...

Reconstruction

2009-07-29T07:42:00.000-07:00

My house us under reconstruction... but not the type you typically think of. It sounds typical... banging, hammering, vacuuming, whistles, and horns not by large equipment and not by the tearing down of walls but by babies on the move. As I sit outside enjoying my morning coffee and checking on blogs I can hear what sounds like nails being hammered down in my den because just ten feet away from me the babies have discovered cause and effect. If I hold two blocks and clap them together I get sound! If I push this button I hear horns! If I roll this cup I see movement. Also, if I try to stand up on slick wooden tiles wearing these long pj's I go boom and CRY! We have entered the realm of nonstop movement and exploration and while this is a wonderful time for them it means gone are the days of just propping them up and getting other stuff done for me! Reconstruction = babies with new abilities. The ability to move... themselves and things and I am the project overseer and it is a big job!

A Picture Post of the Weekend

2009-07-28T07:49:00.000-07:00

Working our way backwards and starting with...

-Sunday I helped host a baby shower at my house for MTS. We had an excellent turnout and to say that this was an easy and fun event is a huge understatement. Pictured below is mother to be and all of the hosts. Count'em! That's THREE babies you see and all are related! Little cousins: baby Campbell, baby Jake, and baby Houston hiding out in the back. Mommies MT, Racheal, and Kelly are all due within 8 weeks or so of each other!

-Paula Dean strawberry cupcakes I prepared! Google the recipe and try it yourself... REAL pureed strawberries mixed in with the white cake mix batter... so good and so easy. Usually I would have prepared from scratch the cream cheese icing but the last time I did this I used 6 boxes of confectioner's sugar and had ants in my kitchen for a month afterwards! This time I took the easiest route and bought whipped strawberry icing and garnished with fresh strawberries... still a hit with half the mess (and time!)

- Campbell's piggy bank, flowers and punch.

- Also at the shower, a great picture of my sister Meredith who lives in Memphis and my beautiful mommy and me.

- Saturday, after my brother's wedding, time for a breather...this is me reading to the babies one of their favorite books "The Very Quiet Cricket." A week ago the babies developed nonstop runny noses that I hoped would cure itself but alas... more ear infections. This time, Lily's is so bad her ear drum in bulging with fluid which means we have had a couple of sleep interrupted nights. All is well though. Benedryl works miracles to stop runny noses and induce deep sleep plus we are also on a 10 day round of antibiotics.

-Friday night Nick and I attended a wedding rehearsal dinner for my brother Will and his beautiful bride Colleen. This is me and my handsome date before dinner.

-A snap of the bride and groom: Will and Colleen. Beautiful aren't they? I chuckle to myself at how gorgeous their babies will be after a war between our light hair light eyes/her dark hair dark eyes genetics. Amazing how all of that works.

So there you have it. The thing about being anyone with a lot going on is that somehow you muster the energy and attitude to pull it all off. It was jam packed from Thursday to Sunday but nothing is really on the radar for the upcoming week except hopefully getting back into the swing of early to bed early to rise since this is the last week before I go back to work! I am excited about it... those of you who know me well know that I am a creature of habit and routince. I perform best when there are few suprises and time for meditation and preparation.

I have been working on creating a personal and family mission statement that will spill over into work as well. I'll write more on this later as it will surely deserve it's own post. Today, the babies are napping off their colds and their is laundry to be done. Also, I am trying to finish "American Wife" a fantastic novel that I have taken way too long to get through. Any suggestions for my next read?

Weekend Things...

2009-07-23T08:27:00.000-07:00

You know it is a busy weekend ahead when you start making plans for little things on the previous Monday. All week I have making little check marks and swipe throughs on my long detailed list of "to do's." It is Thursday now and I am about to dive head first into a non stop celebration on several fronts!

Today, I need to pick up the house and put everything in it's place. I need to go out and about for a little bit to find a top to wear with a fabulous little black pencil skirt I found yesterday at New York and Company - which I never shop at but for what it is and the price it was it is perfect. Also, at Kohl's, I found two precious pairs of "every girl should have" black shoes. One pair of black patent leather peep toe heels and one pair of black strappy sandal heels. The best part of the shoe purchase was that each pair was originally close to $66 and I bought them for a combined total of $42. WIN! Finally, taking first place, I found a fabulous "little black dress" at Ann Taylor Loft originally $78 on sale for $39.

Friday, the girls will be at their sitter's house while Nick and I clean the house. Friday evening Nick and I will attend my oldest brother Will's wedding rehearsal dinner. The dinner will be at a local restaurant... the same little place that Nick and I had our dinner. I am excited to go for a few reasons. One, I'll get to meet the bride's family and hopefully see some extended family of mine that I haven't seen in quite a while. Will's dating and engagement to this gal has been pretty consistent to how my family does weddings which is quickly and simply. I am excited for him to be taking this step in his life because quite frankly I don't think I have ever heard of him being this happy. Since he joined the Marine Corps almost two years ago he has struggled with the question of did he make the right choice? Will has never been too far from home for all of his life... went to a small private school here in Montgomery, then moved to Auburn and attended Southern Union, and now is serving as a Marine in South Carolina. He was the "big fish in a small pond" for most of his life until college and now certainly as a Marine which brought on a storm of emotions that he has dealt o.k. with. He misses home but knows that he is committed to military duty for at least the next 2-3 years. Marrying Colleen will give him peace and stability that he so desperately wants and needs being so far from home by providing a "home" away from home with someone he loves very much. For that I am thankful. I sincerely wish them all of the best from the bottom of my heart.

So the wedding is Saturday. We will be dressing our little ladies up and eager to show them off... sorry bride... you might have wanted to specify on the invitation for guests to keep their "oohs and ahhs" on you but you didn't but then again you may appreciate sharing the attention because being a bride can be a bit overwhelming... at least it was for me anyway. But seriously, my stepmother and most of my aunts and uncles have never met my children so to be able to bring them to this event and visit with them all is exciting.

Saturday evening is still on the "let's touch base" status. Ideally the babies would come home after the wedding and snooze a bit so that we could get back out and about and head to my mother's house to see my sister Mere who is in town this weekend also.... (not my mother and sister on my dad and brother's side). We may be able to swing over and have some late afternoon pool time, appetizers, and drinks with Auntie, Moompsy, and Popsickle (my sis and parents) if the babies aren't completely worn out and are willing. Then LATE Saturday evening I will need to be in the kitchen baking in preparation for Sunday's events...

A BABY SHOWER being hosted at my house! I have never hosted a shower so I am really looking forward to this event. I remember how special I felt at my babies' shower and I hope that I will be able to pull this one off. I have some great help among the other 8 hostesses and have learned by watching other's. The most important part in planning a party I think is keeping your "cool" and knowing that what needs to get done will and what doesn't does not matter.

So that is my weekend forecast for you. Pictures and reviews to follow! Have a great weekend everybody!

What A Year It Has Been

2009-07-14T20:58:00.001-07:00

Well this video has been a long time coming. For one, I just took the time to figure out how to work iMovie using Nick's Macbook. Two, I had to do some sifting through photos and video. And Third, after I decided on all of my favorite pictures to use I had to go and cut some because there were just so many and I didn't want to make my first video longer than 5 minutes so that people would actually watch it. So here it is. Enjoy!

P.S. I had a lot of fun!

Music by Andrew Peterson and The Beatles

more about "What A Year It Has Been... on Vimeo", posted with vodpod

Sleepless While You are in Seattle

2009-07-09T08:38:00.000-07:00

(Title is a shout out for Mr. and Mrs. Lucas as they vacation way way up and to the left of our state in a place called Washington)

It has been a busy past couple of weeks. July is very different than June. June was the first 4 weeks of my summer vacation and it was very very nice and routine - there's that word again. I went to bed at reasonable hours and woke up 7ish, coffee and journaled while babies played and the laundry spun... remember that really motivated post I made about being the best "tourguide mommy ever?" Well then the HEAT set in and it became easier to just fill the kiddie pool in the back yard than load everyone up in the car and find somewhere to go walk around. July has felt... off balance. I can't seem to committ to a routine. I go to bed late. I wake up at different times every day. I eat whatever is in the fridge because it is easier to just make something rather than plan a meal and go to the grocery store to stock up. Also, Nick has been at a work conference all day and nights till midnight since Monday and won't be home until sometime Friday. I am a creature of habit and routine and don't like many surprises (unless they are wrapped in little boxes with big gold bows). The biggest thing that makes a difference in my mental health is SLEEP. My husband is a night owl and I am just the opposite. I would rather go to bed at 8 and be up at 5 than stay up till stupid ours and "sleep in." My 17 year old sister has spent of couple of night with me this summer and slept until 1pm!!! I let her do it because I want her to feel safe and rested when she stays with me but in the back of my mind I was thinking, "Good gravy what is wrong with this child!?! Exhaustion, alchoholism, depression!?" No- just teenaged. Recently we had friends spend the night on their way from Boston to Atlanta. I had a "you know you are out of practice when..." moment when we all stayed up till(only) 1 a.m. and I (only) had 3 glasses of wine and felt like "you know what" all the next day. When we first moved into our house 2 1/2 years ago and would have friends over we would easily stay up till 2a.m. sometimes later with no problem - sometimes on weeknights with work the next day (gasp). There is something about having kids and HAVING to get up every three hours for 2-3 months straight that just takes it out of you. And I am NOT complaining about this - I do however feel sorry for those people that are putting off kids or may not even want kids because they feel like having kids is the end of your life... that really isn't the case. Yes your life changes... but no it is not the end. I actually saw an episode of TLC Baby Story (which I used to love and now LOATHE) and a mother in labor was crying her face off saying, "my life is about to be over! Promise me when this kid is 5 you will take me to Disney World just the two of us! SOB" How sad is that!?!? Did she grow up AT ALL before she decided to get pregnant!?!? Anywho... so yea. If there is every a time when I wonder when did these bags and circles show up under my eyes I can probably say with certainty May 15, 2008... bags of joy is what I'll call them to make myself feel better... that and Boot's Under Eye Cream from Target.

On a lighter note...

Doesn't every new parent wonder why books are made with "newborn" printed on the label and think to themselves "What newborn is going to read? Does it really make a difference to read to your infant?" The answer is YES it does make a difference. We have several little picture books that we have read to the twins since they were teeny and Harper especially loves for you to lie on the floor with her and read to her. Now, I can walk away and do a few chores, come back in the room, and she has found it all by herself and is flipping through it. Lily, on the other hand, eats the book. Lately I have been telling people how different the two are... H likes personal space and L is my cuddlebug. L likes for you to build block towers so she can knock them down and grin at you waiting on you to clap and cheer her on. We have affectionately named her "demolition Lily." Harper studies the block towers and will poke at them as if she is "testing" how many times and with how much force she can tap each block before the tower crumbles.

It is fun watching their little personalities take their own unique shapes.

So that is about all I have to say at the moment. For those of you that like to leave comments, what are some of your daily routines that make or break your sanity if not kept?

Premenstrual Haiku

2009-07-01T13:34:00.000-07:00

Under my blanket

Hormonal hibernation

Please do not disturb.

This was supposed to be a post on procrastination... hold on.

2009-06-29T08:07:00.000-07:00

...so this post started out as a post about procrastination and then it turned into something deeper. (don't get too excited, it's nothing controversial, just a stream of thinking...)

Sometimes you put something off for so long that you actually dread doing what your are putting off so much that you keep putting it off. And the thing about procrastination is that normally, the thing you have been putting off isn't that bad once you get started and finally finish. Balancing a checkbook, going to the grocery store, organizing your kitchen drawers, calling a relative, writing a blog...

Believe it or not, I am a "doer." Not to be confused with a "goer." I get this from my dear mother. I am perfectly content being at home creating little projects and or revisiting old ones. I like little tasks and I like chores. I like the feeling of being done with something. I like the feeling that I just made my surroundings more simplified and more comfortable and more clean. Stacey and Clinton (TLC What Not To Wear) say that your wardrobe should reflect who you are as a person (working on that soon too) and I believe that your house should too. You don't have to have a lot of money or the nicest most modern decor in your home to say that you are put together and with the times... that isn't what I am talking about. I am talking about how, for me personally, when my house has clean countertops and floors I feel happy. When clutter is either thrown away or has it's own place, I feel in control. When my bills and calendar are color coded and stacked neatly on the desk I feel like we are one step closer to this idea of "financial peace." When a candle is lit and there are vacuum lines in the carpet, I feel relaxed. When my closet is organized I don't feel like I have nothing to wear. You get my drift.

It isn't all I do though. Obviously, I have two children. People always say, "I don't know how you do it with twins!?!" I have always said, "I really don't know how you do it with one." When Harper was in the hospital with pneumonia and Nick and I alternated staying with her and staying with Lily at home... I felt very "off" taking care of one infant at home... like I wasn't doing enough.

You have heard that things that happen to us in our childhood shape who we are as adults...

I remember going to visit my dad and step mom on the weekends. My STEPmother was a compulsive obsessive cleaner... to the point that I have very vivid memories of waking up in the mornings and making my bed... like I would do at my house, la-ti-da would go play, then coming to my room later and the bed had been "undone" and "re-made" - straighter, tighter, better. And my clothes that I had stacked on the dresser I couldn't find. They had been hung up or folded and put back in my suitcase, in the closet. That always hurt my feelings. I mean, I can see where she was coming from... but the point in telling you all that story is this: my girls will have chores and tasks to do around the house, like make their beds and put away their laundry. But it won't be about how well they do it... just that they do it. I don't ever want to teach them about responsibility and then squash their self esteem by saying "not good enough."

Ok, seriously, I am not like storming off crying and punching the walls saying "not good enough!!! not good enough!!!! I am going to make an omelette and finish watching the Today show :)

This Will Have to Tide You Over...

2009-06-07T07:16:00.001-07:00

-Starting at about 1:00p.m. today I won't see my husband very much until about noon on Wednesday. It is Annual Conference time for the Alabama West Florida United Methodists. Nick and about 1,499 other Methodists will be worshipping, fellowshipping, and taking care of church business ( you didn't know that church had business to handle did you?) at Frazer from today through Wednesday. For you this means 1.) you should say prayers for this event 2.) I most likely won't be doing any major updating on my blog between now and then.
"WHICH IS WHY...WAIT FOR IT, WAIT FOR IT...
I started a Twitter!
and it's gonna be legen-dary" ... if you don't watch How I Met Your Mother, start Net Flix'n it immediately.
I have the next 7 weeks for summer vacation to be spent at home and throughout my day I would catch myself saying one line descriptions of my activities, or something funny a baby just did, or maybe I would hear something ridiculous on the Today show and want to share... so what the heck.

-My sister called me from the Cold Play show in Nashville last night. The first time she called was during the opener, Life in Technicolor. The second time was during Lovers in Japan... I could hear people commenting about the paper butterflies. It kind of made me tear up a little and really miss that night at Oak Mountain - minus the overwhelming blanket of clove smoke, perfection.

-I should mention how absolutely in love with my two daughters I am. I am having so much fun rotating from station to station in the house during the day and going on little quick outings like to Shakespeare or the YMCA. During the times when we are on the floor or in the back yard I talk to them and help them build block towers or read a book... but about every 5 minutes I just close my mouth and watch them with this big grin on my heart. They are so beautiful and becoming such little people. I told Nick the other night to enjoy holding them at night time because before we know it they will be so long... still holdable, but cradling a toddler is not the same as rocking an infant. Parents... agree?

-Today I am attempting to begin on closet organization. Is there such a thing?

I leave you with the most beautiful faces I have ever seen.

Harper's little nose has a tickle

Lily devouring her giraffe

babies

Harper saying, "Pick me Mommy, pick me!"

Harper on the left, Lily on the right

Lily, I can really see her hair is getting lighter

Owie

2009-06-04T08:07:00.000-07:00

Seriously, I am lying on my back, on our bed, with the laptop propped up on my knees/balancing on my stomach... why? Because I have the 2nd worst crick in my shoulder blade and neck I have ever had in my life. The worst was when I was on bed rest for 10 days last year before the babies were born. But this one is pretty bad... not awful. I can still move... but very rigidly and if every move is thoroughly planned out. I will say it is very hard to lift the girls. Typically I carry them with my left side. Seeing how this is the injured side I am having to scoop with both arms and swing child to the right side... but since I can't really turn my face to see her on my right side I end up like... holding her butt with my left hand and her head with my right hand so she is like... lying down in my arms perpendicular to my body while I quickly shuffle from point A to point B. Yikes. It is going to be a long day.

How did this happen? I am not sure. I can say that I have been extraordinarily busy since Monday. Exercising, lifting babies, doing some (though not much) house chores. It could be just one of those things that happens due to over-activity. How the heck do I treat this? Thus far I have had one round of heating pad today and one Icy Hot rub down. This sounds really really bad but I have been saving my last painkiller pill from my CSECTION for a time when I really might need it. Today might be the day... is that a big deal? I really really am hurting.

Suggestions?

Got Underwear?

2009-06-03T07:17:00.001-07:00

So I was reading a friend's blog this morning and she posted about a patient of hers that has Alzheimer's Disease and it made me think back...

Did you know that my first "grown up" job after college graduation I worked as an Activities Director at an assisted living/Alzheimer's care facility? I didn't appreciate it at the time. My position was short lived because I let the pressures of scheduling and community contacts and being a people pleaser break me down, but I do have some really great memories of my relationships with the residents and some of their bittersweet mistakes they made as a result of dementia. (For the record, I was not fired. I resigned after I heard of an opening position with my current "company".)

One of my favorite residents was Rose. Rose had the beginning stages of dementia. She was Italian and lived most of her life in New York. She had to move to Alabama after her husband died - her daughter's husband was serving in the military, stationed here in Montgomery. Rose would come to me almost every single morning and ask,

"Have you seen Ri-chaaad!? He didn't come home last night and I bet he stayed out too late with his friends. If you see'em, tell'em I'm lookin' for 'em!"

I would have to tell her "Rose, Richard is dead. He passed away two years ago, remember?" She would raise her hand to her forehead and say, "REALLY!?! JE-sUUUUUs, how could I forget that!? Oh well... I'm gonna go read the pay-pah now ok? I'll be in they-ah" and she would point to the living room with her cane and hobble off. I know it sounds really sad that someone would have to get the news that their husband died everyday... but in all honesty, she took the news really well, every time.

But my favorite "Rose" story was one day while I was in my office she came in frantically saying...

"Uh, Miss? Miss? Miss, someone stole my unda-way-uh!"

I asked, "Someone stole your underwear?"

"Yeee-ah. I went ta look in my droo-ah this mornin' and I heee-ad only one clean pay-ah."

"Oh, ok. Some one stole your underwear, and you are right, one clean pair is not enough.

Come on, let's go to your room and I'll help you look, maybe you just put them in a box or drawer someplace and forgot to look there."

We walked down the hall towards her room and had to pass by the activities room. Something bright caught my eye as we strolled past. I turned to look and there across the back window overlooking the courtyard, like a birthday banner, were 8-10 pair of huge white "granny pannies" hanging to dry on the blinds, each secured with a wooden clothes-pin. I told her to go on to her room and that I would be right there...

I walked over to the window and sure enough, in the most scribbly black permanent marker handwriting was "Rose" written in the elastic waistband of each garment.

She must have hung them to dry after doing her laundry late the night before. Of course, I took them to her but didn't explain how I found them... it didn't matter how I found them. If she couldn't remember hanging them in such a public place as the Activity and Recreation room then why embarrass her by telling her the news?

Ah Rose, rest in peace.

new book breeds new desires

2009-06-02T08:05:00.001-07:00

... because it is what you should do when you have a little quiet time in the mornings when babies are sleeping.

While I am still in the middle of one novel, I have started another book this morning by Donald Miller. It is called "prayer and the art of volkswagen maintenance." The title is not capitalized on the cover of the book so I am not capitalizing here either... also, I wanted to underline the title but haven't figured out how to do that. I wanted to share one neat little passage from page 10 that I liked and that I wish I had known about yesterday when I posted about it being the arrival of summer vacation for me. It goes,

"After that we have no plans except to arrive in Oregon before we run out of money. We share a sense of excitement and freedom. Not a rebel freedom, rather, a deadline-free sort of peace. There is no where we have to be tomorrow. There is no particular road we have committed to take...

Clearly, this book is about two guys on a cross country road trip with no jobs and no kids... who does that? I am not considering quitting my job or giving up my kids but experiencing that "deadline-free peace" with them, YES. It may just be a trip to the Farmer's market with them or strolling to the water's edge of the pond at Shakespeare but this summer I want to feel and do things that awaken my inner child and feed my soul. The babies' are too young to finger paint or help me cook... all of that will come in time... but until then I can enjoy the fact that they are just "along for the ride" and be the most awesome tour guide mommy ever... they just woke up from their naps... I think I will take them to the pond... why not?

Summer, Day One

2009-06-01T13:26:00.000-07:00

Do you remember that feeling you would get as a little child the night before Christmas or just before going on a big trip? The anticipation... the excitement... the urgency to just get there!?! And then feeling so sad when it was over that you almost wish that everyday was "the night before?" That is kind of what today is like for me. It is day 1 of summer vacation and I have really been paying attention to the clock today and doing things I love to do because 8 weeks is all I have to enjoy being off work. I don't want to sound "braggy" in this post because I am sure everyone reading will think, "must be nice" to have vacation that lasts for 8 weeks when a lot of people can't even get one free evening to do what they want. It isn't bragging... it is just a fact that being a teacher is the best place for me to be at this time in my life. I have complained before that I wish I didn't have to work but if working full time is where God has me right now then working full time as a teacher is the next best thing to being a stay at home mom. I am not bitter anymore about not getting to stay home full time with my kids... I am not even bitter about how expensive child care is. I am just thankful. My heart is full. This morning I made a promise to myself that I would not waste this time. It would be nearly impossible though to feel as though any of this time is wasted seeing that I am home with the two most beautiful baby girls in the world. I have three "big To-Do's" on my list for this summer that will require discipline but they are goals I can achieve. Looking forward to days ahead and living in the moment!

This Time Last Year

2009-05-05T17:59:00.000-07:00

This time last year I was spending my first night in the hospital. TODAY, one year ago, my journey was beginning. I know that may sound silly but I don't even count the day I found out I was pregnant as the start... nor the day I found out it was twins... it was the day I went to the hospital. I remember going to bed on May 4 around midnight (too late, pregnant or not) and being so tired and so swollen and feeling in my heart that something was not right. On the morning of May 5 I called my boss and told her that I needed to go to the doctor and get my blood pressure checked. I went to my OB's office and immediately the nurse looked at me and her words were, "Oh, Laura, you don't look good."

I remember calling Nick on my drive across Taylor Road to Baptist East and saying something like, "Uh they are sending me to Baptist East... triage!?? I have no idea what triage even means? I don't know for how long... maybe you should call in to work and tell them you aren't coming in today and get up here and be with me."

Of course I won't go into the details of tests and checks I endured that day but end of story that day was, "Cool I'm gonna stay a couple nights in the hospital... off work...Chappy's dinners... gotta great book...crossword puzzles...I can do this."

Text messaging from friends and family out the waazooo yada yada... know I idea that just ten days later my life would be so drastically different.

a peek into my childhood

2009-05-02T06:31:00.000-07:00

Friday afternoon was the normal getting off work and heading home at the usual 3:30p.m.

When I got onto Taylor Road just about to turn onto my street I kept driving... and driving. I decided I would take a small detour-out Vaughn Road, right onto Ray Thorington, right onto Pike, right onto the road that takes you to the Troy Hwy., right again on Taylor, then home. You know sometimes when you are driving with the windows down it just comes over you to DRIVE? So that is what I did... the wind and sunshine were just perfect and the tunes were perfect too.

Also, and I know I am not alone on this one, I love the smell of pastures and cow manure. It reminds me of being a child but also of God's open spaces... the places that still look the way He made them. What you may not know about me is that half of my childhood, and some of my college years weekends, were spend at my dad's house which was in Snowden, Alabama on several acres of cow pastures or in their "new house" in Pike Road, Alabama. The Snowden days took being a child "playing outside" to a whole different level. In town, at my mom's house, we played outside running through neighbors yards, jumping in and out of swimming pools, riding bikes on pavement, and never really being out of any adult's sight. In Snowden, we ran around barefoot - knowing we would "get stuck by a mock-orange branch," we waded in ponds, we built our own "forts" - until Dad built us a tree house!!! (which was really like a deer stand in the middle of our tree less back yard but still AMAZING), we threw rocks at the old mossy trees hoping to disturb the gigantic salamanders, and we grew tired of riding our bikes because there was no pavement and because the gravel was too hard, the hills too numerous. So instead, we took turns pulling the others (me and my two brothers) in the red wagon. When it was your turn to pull you were miserable but riding was so fun. I have a very vivid memory of being 8 or 9 and sitting at the edge of the barbed wire fence and watching an old cow stomp her back leg and chomp grass. I remember being absolutely amazed at how much grass she could rip up with one bite and how LOUD she chewed... the thick drool hanging from her bottom rubbery lip. And, I also remember how dark it was at night. This is a true story: my little brother came to me one night and said he had to show me something he was afraid of. We climb up on his bed and he told me there was a secret big black road that only came out at night... we peeked out of his bedroom window and I saw what he was talking about... indeed a huge black "road" stretched out into the backyard... as black as black could be. We pondered and at some point I realized it was only the shadow of our big house being cast onto the yard by the full moon overhead. Of course, I let him believe it was a secret road.

These are the kinds of memories I have and crave when I go driving around "in the country" because back then, anything North of St. James school was "the country."

This Time Last Year...

2009-04-26T11:18:00.001-07:00

"This Time Last Year"

This is the title for my new series of posts. The idea came to me while I was strolling the babies around the neighborhood working on my Vitamin D synthesis (see last post, scroll down). I was thinking to myself how beautiful the day is and how I love the feeling of a good sweat met by the breeze and the smell of neighbors grilling out and little girls and boys running through the sprinklers in their yards. It made me think, gosh I love this time of year. Gosh...remember this time last year!?! I recalled going to watch Hunter G. play little league baseball out at Ray Thorington baseball park with Nick and "Jay-c" and Faye. Me, sitting in a fold up lawn chair, basking in the sun, 5 months pregnant, loving the attention for big "twin sized" belly in my summer tank top, and naturally, eating an entire baggie of hot salty boiled peanuts... because hey, if you can't do this when you are five months pregnant at a little league baseball game in Alabama, when can you?

This time last year the Ledford's came for a visit. Emily, Yvonne, Brea, Ali, and myself... oh! and don't forget little peanut sized Sloan (they had just found out) all played out in the back yard enjoying Spring.
This time last year Nick and I were getting the nursery ready. Picking out wall colors and crib sets and closet organizers. We had just found out "they" would be "girls" and we were thrilled.
This time last year we were expecting...

But not expecting THIS:

Yes, those are my feet, which at the time I affectionately named "Puffers" in all their swollen glory. As I strolled the 2.5 miles today with my girls I thought to myself "this time last year I wouldn't have dreamed of being able to squeeze into these same shoes much less walk 2.5 miles even if barefoot and being chased by a pack of wolves." Notice how in the second picture of my ankle-less ankle, "cankle," the couch has left an impression on my skin. OWWIE! Oh- and those little marks in the first picture? Flip flop indentations.

This time last year...sigh.

Omega 3 and Vitamin D

2009-04-26T08:44:00.000-07:00

Today I am stacking up on Omega 3's and Vitamin D.

First off...for brunch I baked 4 ounces of salmon, 2 cups of spinach, and 2/3 cups of whole wheat/whole grain pasta with 1/2 tablespoon of half butter (1/2 EVOO, 1/2butter). One thing that I have been trying to do lately is make every bite count. It was 10:30a.m. and I had been up since 7a.m., skipped breakfast (shame), and didn't want to wait until "lunch time." After all my body was sending me hunger signals. So, it is not even noon yet and already I have had a rich dose of omega3 rich protein, leafy green vegetable, and whole grains.

Second, the sun is brightly shining and we are in April in Alabama which means the days of enjoying your time in the sun are numbering down. So I am loading up the babies and we are going for a stroll. Did you know that the sunlight activates the production of Vitamin B in your skin? I work in a concrete office with NO windows, not the slightest possibility of natural sunlight for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. So Vitamin D PLUS a sun kissed glow what more can a girl ask for? Also, I have gotten into the habit of drinking a tall glass of cold skim milk every night before bed. After child bearing and now that I am pretty regularly weight lifting and exercising it is very refreshing to know that I am putting back in my body what my bones so desperately need, especially on down the road.

Just thought I would share. I feel like I just wrote a mini commercial ;)

Mother's Address a Cold Beer

2009-04-16T16:30:00.001-07:00

Yes it is Thursday night at 6:25p.m. My babies are feeling SO MUCH better. Harper has been on the Augementin for 3 days now (?) and doesn't even seem as if she was sick. Lily is on day two of her antibiotic that we give through a shot at the doctors office for three days. She was vomitting every time we gave her the Augmentin which obviously was doing no good for her double ear infection. Tomorrow should be the last day of her antibiotic and as for the throat ulcers she made it through the entire day without needing any tylenol or motrin or "magic mouthwash" (benedryl + malox for the ulcers) Still drooling and drooling and drooling. But hey, I'll take drool over vomit any day of the week. Last night was the first "normal" night as far as sleeping goes this week. They both went down fairly easy at 5:45p.m. and we did not hear a peep until they started chatting at 7a.m. So, no pain - check, eating - check, sleeping - check. Pat on the back to LJM for emergency babysitting Wednesday morning and also to my Mama this morning. When mother's arms can't be enough a God-mother or a Grand-mother will do just the trick. Also, a shout out to all my "go to Moms" -Lindsay, Stephanie, and Tracy - sound "I've been there before advice" and a good warm hug is always welcome. And of course, thank you to all of my blogger support. I sound like I am winning a major award here...

I'll say this too about my adorable and delicious children... they may fall hard at times but boy do they bounce back. I guess that goes for all kids but seriously these kids have been through hell and even in the worst of their trials they are still so incredibly sweet and loving and for the most part easy to manage.

And can I just say that now that H&L have been sleeping 10-12 hours for the last 6 months and then experiencing three nights of getting up every hour I CAN'T believe I did that and functioned for the first 3 months they were home? Seriously. To all my "soon to be parents" readers out there you won't know you are miserable but when you DO sleep again, you will wonder how the hell you did it when you did for as long as you did. You will amaze yourself.

So NOW my hair is wet, the sun is setting on this PERFECTLY SPRING evening, my grass has been PROFESIONALLY chemically treated for weed KILL (THANK YOU NICK!!!!), Ali is content lying in the grass, and the beer (soon to be as as soon as I finish typing this post) in my hand is COLD.

Sad Incorporated

2009-04-14T19:36:00.000-07:00

It would appear that Lily may have Hand Foot and Mouth Disease characterized by throat ulcers, refusal to eat, constant drooling and gagging and vomiting, and screaming for hours on end. Moments like tonight when I am doing this by myself (Nick being at work and at school) I almost lose it but then remember that this time next week (hopefully) she won't remember this and she definitely won't remember this five years from now but I just can't help but cry for the pain she is in right now. Please don't allow her to get dehydrated. Please help the medicine stay down. And I pray to GOD please that Harper does not get this infection.

Ear Aches and Ulcers

2009-04-13T18:26:00.001-07:00

That is what they have. The $40 co-pay was worth it to find out

Harper has an infected right ear but no fever today
Lily has an infected right and left ear plus ulcers in her throat and fevers all day
Either a throw up bug OR the antibiotic is making their stomachs weak, either way they can't keep food or mild down.
SAD
BUT they have been sleeping now for 24 minutes... maybe they will go all night.
PRAY

SO another round of antibiotic, alternating tylenol and motrin every 3 hours, and lots of TLC. Hey I can't complain too much... this is the first time we have had any illnesses since Harper came home from the hospital in February.

Monday Morning

2009-04-13T08:09:00.000-07:00

So if I don't post these kinds of updates a month goes by and people ask "how are the girls?" and say "Great!" even thought we have had 48 hours such as these last.

Saturday afternoon Harper woke up from her nap just... funky. Fever 102, clingy, DROOLING. I attributed these symptoms to teething and hoped that a little Orajel and cold compresses would solve it. Not so much. She has cried and cried through the last two nights. If she isn't on me she cries. If I even break eye contact with her she cries. This is SO not Harper. When she does eat she throws it up. She also appears to have an aversion to her bed. Last night she slept with me in our bed and actually got some shut eye. No matter the space I put between us she

would find her way back to me and cuddle - which is sweet but is the cause of the stiffness I have in my neck and lower back. So this morning I put a call into the doctor and at 2p.m. I'llhope to have an answer. It could be teething but for $20 I think it is worth it to have a professional take that little black light thingy, stick it in her ear, and tell me that it is or is not an ear infection.

In February, God answer my prayers for donated sick days so I have NO stress at all about not being at work. My meetings can wait and compensatory services will be offered to the kids who sessions I am missing. My guess and 5 years experience tells me though that a rainy Monday morning after SAT and ARMT testing yields LOW attendance at school today anyway.

I hope that everyone else's Monday isn't as manic.

My Wonderful Beautiful Sister

2009-04-11T05:23:00.000-07:00

Thursday night I was in bed at an exceedingly ridiculous early bedtime of 7:30p.m. when my sister called. To give myself the benefit of the doubt I WAS reading for about 2 minutes before she called. She said she had been in bed early the night before reading too... some book about being a successful women in corporate America... I was reading Sippy Cups are Not for Chardonnay. Awesome.

Anyway, my sister is 25, lives in Memphis, and is doing really well in her job as an accountant. Ole'Miss grad but Bama girl at heart. She is all of 113 pounds ( I don't think she cares if I mention this - I don't think she even reads this) and is the most wonderful beautiful gal I know. She dresses simply but elegantly. She doesn't wear too much makeup. She sometimes wears perfume. She has started caring about Church but has always reminded me of Alice in Wonderland when it comes to knowing God (a good thing). She says please and thank you but also says the F word a lot but she is the kind of person that it sounds hilarious and awesome when she says it. She regularly dines out at the most posh restaurants and swanky bars with rich guys and her friends. She throws tacky Christmas parties at her house every year. She doesn't make her bed and she sleeps in her contacts. She still wears some of the same garments that she wore in high school. She is a penny pincher but would give you the shirt off her back if you needed it. We didn't say "I love you" growing up. We said "olive juice" because we saw it meant "Iloveyou" in a movie once when we were little girls. One night a few years ago we were out having drinks at Sinclair's Old Cloverdale and she all of a sudden told me out of know where how much she looked up to me all growing up. This amazed me and in fact I think I said something like, "really!?!? I thought you hated me!?" I wish I could tell some of my favorite conversations we have had but she would kill me. Last year when I was in the hospital on bedrest, she called me at like 8:00 at night. She was crying (very rare for her) and saying that she was at a wedding a couple of hours before and that now she was at the reception but that at the wedding she got so choked up because it reminded her of me and of Nick and she just wanted me to know that she is worried about the babies and that she hoped everything will be o.k. and that we didn't deserve to be going through this and that she is so sorry she isn't there... I interrupted and said, "Mere, are you drunk?" and she said through laughing tears, "a little but I mean it!!?!?!" We both laughed and I said "I love you too" and hung up.

Tell me about your sister or brother.

Nice is such a great word

2009-04-09T07:09:00.000-07:00

I liked it better when my blog was called "baby steps." That's that.

***

@ JMG and his post on Stuff.

My plans are to dig into the kitchen drawers and shelves and the buffet and organize what we use often, find a place for what don't use often, and box up what we never use and give it to someone who will. Cleaning out is like losing weight - it just feels GOOD no matter how much just as long as you are losing.

***

@Oprah

There were two great shows I watched this week. One was on Confessions of Motherhood and the other was on Losing Weight in the Public Eye. These two topics are two topics I confront every day. I love being a mother; I think I have made that quite clear in my relationships and in other posts. There was one statement a mother made on the show that really rang true with me. The panel was discussing how women tend to "lose themselves" when they enter motherhood (a WHOLE 'nother post). That may be true for some. Not for me. I have never been more in touch with "ME" in all of my life. However, one mother said something like, "when women have children it is usually when they can say 'well I have already traveled enough or shut down every bar in town' I think I am ready to settle down and have a baby'. Then she said what women don't realize is that when you have a baby you are just less available to the other people in your life that "were" so important - so present. At first, you stop running into a gas station for a pack of gum. Then, you stop scheduling lunch dates with a girl friend and going to the movies with friends. Then, the girlfriend who just went through a breakup or a fight with her mom doesn't call you any more because she assumes you are too busy or in bed so she deals with it alone or calls someone else. *** When she said that, I got a knot in my throat because I know that I have friends that assume I can't be there for them because I am a mom now. But I am still a friend too. At least I want to be. Piggy backing on that... My kids are a good 1 year to 1.5 years older than my friends' babies (and future babies) so I say with desperation and sincerity to them that I am genuinely excited to spend more time with you and help you (if you want it) when Nick isn't in classes at night and my babies don't "need me" as much at bed time (5-6pm). Ok enough on that.

***

@Maughry, "In Which I Brag About Myself"

(your own little personalized post inside of a post ;)

Can I please tell you that I ran on Tuesday. Not ran out of formula... RAN, at the gym on a treadmill. I RAN, not five minutes, not ten minutes, but THIRTY minutes which was two miles. I know that is a pretty slow mile but I don't care... I ran without stopping for the first time in my life. Wasn't it you this summer that I told I could never run and wish I could love to run like you and other "runners?" Ok so I jogged but I jogged my heart out. I kept thinking of the contestants on the Biggest Loser and how they push themselves so hard every day all day and that I could at least push myself for thirty minutes. I am VERY proud of myself. Also I have lost 8 pounds. For this I am also very proud.

***

The perfect four day weekend starts now. I have the babies at home because the sitter's twins are ill :( But I am glad to have this time with mine. They are very very well. Almost 11 months old and just bubbly every day with new milestones and emerging personality traits that really make being their mother a joy. I read somewhere that today's assignment is to brag about your kids.

So I will start with Harper:

-she is patient

-she is an observer

-she plays gently with her toys

-she loves it when I read to her

-when she smiles it feels like she is saying, "Hey Mama, you're pretty" in a very sweet quite shy voice

-she likes to play on her back

-she has two bottom teeth

-she makes it very clear when she is ready to go down for a nap by throwing herself backward into an arch as if to really say "put me DOWN"

-she is not a picky eater

-she babbles Mamamama and Nanananana and Dadadadada

Lily

-she is attentive

-she is very hands on during play time

-when she smiles it feels like she is saying , "HEY MAMA!! GET ME GET ME GET ME!!!!"

-she likes to nap on my chest

-she also has two bottom teeth

-she is very close to sitting up on her own

-she also babbles mamamma and dadadadada

Neither one have been sick since February, praise God. And speaking of God, I hope that everyone will have a wonderful Easter. What a special season and celebration for believers. Whether you go to church or not do what you do with joy and peace.

***

This was nice.

Mama

2009-03-15T07:09:00.000-07:00

At random times during my motherly duties, like rocking my baby to sleep or comforting during a teething ache I wonder to myself, " Does she know that I am her mother? Me? " Sometimes I just can't wrap my mind around the fact that I am the one person on Earth that these precious babies will call Mama.

Starting yesterday morning, Lily started babbling "Ma Ma Ma Ma" when she wakes up and is waiting on me in her bed and I said that it hurts SO GOOD to hear that. I come in and turn on the lamp and say back to her " Mama is here... MaMa" and she starts kicking and smiling. It feels really really good to be a mother and a Mama.

Stephanie often posts that throughout the newborn stage you have to remind yourself that soon a baby will start to "reciprocate" the love through giggling and more intense stares and we have rounded that corner. Now, when I feed the babies they look at me and smile, they touch my face, they nuzzle into my chest. They aren't "new borns" anymore... they are babies who know that they are home. They know their bedroom. They know their Ali. They know me. And it feels really good.

This week is Spring Break for me and that means I get 8 days of solid routine outside of the norm of waking up, getting me ready, getting them ready, and heading for work. This week I get to get up, sip coffee, sort laundry, play, and wait for them to wake up from their naps and repeat. If the weather would clear we might even get to do some out and about types of things. I would love to visit the zoo play on a blanket in the back yard. We may even make a day trip to Opelika to visit PawPaw (is that how you spell it?). But if not, being inside and being together will be better than writing IEPs and waiting to get to 3:30p.m. This week I plan to cook real meals. Write thank you notes. Revise our budget and maybe hang some curtains.

I cannot express how much I love being a mother without sounding cliche. Friday night I went to Birmingham to spend the night with some dear sorority sisters. We drank wine and ate ridiculously delicious cheeses and stayed up way too late. It would have been easy to say that I would love to go back to college days and do it all over again but that isn't the case. I am in my prime. I am doing what I believe I was made to do. A career was never that important to me and I was never really good at dating. In May of 2005 I met the love of my life and was swept up in a whirl wind of change: emotionally and spiritually. For two years we enjoyed each other in every sense of the word but there came the time when we started asking "what comes next?" It wasn't a house or a new job. It wasn't material things or building an "around the world" portfolio. I figured out that it was time to start planning for a family when it started to feel like something, or someone(s), was missing. I knew I was ready to be a mother when I started to feel the urge to start living for something more than myself and more than the "here and now." Having two children at once definitely satisfied those desires. My children have made my life more purposeful and my marriage stronger and more passionate. Before my children, I would say that my favorite time of day was crawling in bed and snuggling up to my sweet husband and talking about our day. Now, my favorite time of day is waking up. It may be something that you can't understand until you experience it for yourself. I just don't understand the folks that make the jokes about the ole' ball and chain in reference to marriage and family. If that's how you feel then you probably chose this life for the wrong reasons. Marriage and family is a gift and a privilage - not for everyone and that is FINE- more than fine. I have dear friends who are undecided about whether or not to have children and I am equally and excited to see your important decision and accomplishments. I just can't relate. But isn't that what interesting friendships and acquaintances are all about? Diversity?

Looking at where I was in the Spring of 2004 I would never have dreamed this is where I would be just 5 years later. Something to ponder... where will YOU be in 5 years?

This Weekend

2009-03-10T18:30:00.000-07:00

This weekend we had a small and intimate celebration of the babies being Christened... Nick like "Baptism" better but Christened sounds as sweet and pretty as the ceremony is. It was a special day... weekend actually. One of my dearest friends, Jennifer, traveled from Nashville to be here and time spent with her is always so special and never enough. By Sunday, after staying up really late Friday night, cleaning, exercising, and shopping Saturday, and celebrating Sunday I was tired... tired in my bones kind of tired. I have so much to catch up on house wise but it was all so worth it.

Of course I got emotional during the service on Sunday... realizing what it really means to be Christened and seeing the looks on the the babies' faces when the cool water ran down their sweet heads. Kissing Lily's damp soft spot really brought it all home when we sat back down in the pews. One of my most remembered photos from my infancy was on my Christening date so I look forward to sharing these (and many more) with the girls when they get older.

Their gowns were a gift from a "Footprints" mom that I met during out time at the NICU. The detail on the backs of the dresses is too sweet. The picture of both babies from behind is probably my favorite from the weekend.

The babies are almost 10 months old... 10 months already. Harper has a tooth budding on the bottom gum. They are rolling and eating baby food twice a day. Tonight they are sleeping soundly with 7pm being their new bed time. It is so nice to hear them chatting at 5a.m. because they are "well" and feel good. With Spring on it's way I am praying that we won't have any more major colds or flu. My hope was that on this Mother's Day I would be with my family on the beach but looks like that is not going to happen. There is other stuff that needs to be done and that's o.k. Next year maybe.

Work is really great. It is IEP season which means a lot, a lot, of testing, paperwork, and meetings. It is Special Education's way of "spring cleaning." Out with old goals and in with the new. I have never felt so secure and productive at my job. I guess being a mother finally helps give a new perspective on teaching children in general.

That is about it for now. Here are some pictures from the weekend.

Does Anybody Remember Jack Handey?

2009-03-05T18:01:00.000-08:00

So one of my favorite features on "old school SNL" was Deep Thoughts and Fuzzy Memories by Jack Handey. I had to google a few and share them with you.

“If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong though. It's Hambone." Deep Thoughts (Saturday Night Live)”

“I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.” Deep Thoughts (Saturday Night Live)”

“Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights,even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door. - Deep Thoughts (Saturday Night Live)”

“If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.” Deep Thoughts (Saturday Night Live)”

"Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk." Deep Thoughts (Saturday Night Live)

And so today, I was driving to LM's house to pick up the babies and I had to drive through a school zone. It was past 4:30p.m. - pickup lines had died down but I was in standstill traffic... 15, 20 cars long wondering what the heck is the hold up. As I inched forward I started to notice people parking on the side of the road and getting out of their cars with concerned smiles on their faces. Finally I saw the hold up. I yellow mutt with no collar scared out of it's wits, cowarding in the middle of the street... clearly lost, clearly confused, but clearly loved by everyone in traffic. I had my very own "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey" moment where I pondered, "Amazing how a lost dog can cause the world to stop turning in 5 o'clock traffic but I get the middle finger for going the speed limit on my way to work in the mornings."

A Further Illustration

2009-03-01T06:35:00.000-08:00

Picture this:

This Sunday, 33 degrees, snow is falling, babies are playing on their tummies, swatting at suspended plush toys and squealing in shear delight, rolling over and over, giggling, smiling, no rasping, no fevers.

Last Sunday, 75 degrees, I'm sweating my face off (could have been fever looking back on it) holding my dehydrated child in the emergency room at Baptist Hospital.

7day Marathon

2009-02-27T08:11:00.001-08:00

One week ago today I made a last minute call to stay home from work to care for two sniffling rasping babies with tired pink puffy eyes. I worried throughout the day that a.) I didn't have the time to be taking off from work - again and b.) are they really getting sick again? I reminded myself that I am a mother first and foremost and that when Nick and I made the decision to "start trying" I was throwing all other responsibilities and conveniences of pre-parenthood into second place. So I organized the clean burp cloths, the clean bottles, the nasal aspirators, and the nebulizer medications and began my little diary of ounces consumed, nap, tylenol, and breathing treatments. Thus began the race in which I contended to stay ahead of my sick children.

Saturday I was in the lead. I had it all under control, slow and steady.

Then Sunday came and we were faced with moving uphill. I guessed she was dehydrated and after googling infant dehydration Nick and I leaped from the couch and within 10 minutes we were sprinting to Baptist East. Blood tests, chest x-rays, and before we new it an ambulance on route to South. This was the part in the race where team members split up - team leader took the weakest link to get help and I took the detour back home with other team member to sit, rest, wait.

Monday and Tuesday are kind of blurry right now. This was the part where you are half way through and people on the sidelines are handing you water bottles and gel packs for immediate relief and for future preparation. This is the part where community stepped up and by grace gave you the strength you didn't know you have. Dinners, visits, phone calls, FB messages, donations all at once broke down my wall of doubt and reminded me that I was not in this race alone - not ever for one second. "Don't give up now Don't give up now Eye on the prize."

Wednesday. It could go either way. Will we stay here in middle place? Will we fall behind and never make it? Or, oh my gosh. There is the finish line; it's within reach I can see it!

Now it is Friday and I know I have broken through the ribbon of victory. It's cool down mode. Everyone is home. Everyone feels good. Everyone else is patting you on the back and telling you "good job." It's not time to start planning the next race. It is time to rest and rehabilitate and reflect on how good it feels to know that not only did you compete and keep your head up out of water but you came in first place.

What Does it Mean to be Overtired?

2009-02-15T08:02:00.000-08:00

For a baby it means not enough naps and too much stimulation resulting in crankiness and the need for a more definite schedule.

For me, the symptoms are:

-irritability when the tv is on too loud early the morning

-the clean laundry is in piles on the ironing board, the extra chair in our bedroom, and the rocker in the nursery

-dirty wine glasses are in a row on the counter

-i stay in my pjs all day because what is the point in getting dressed at 3pm when you have no plans and the babies go to bed at 6pm

-i can't hold any concentration longer than 5 minutes to enjoy sitting down to blog or read a book

-the urge of wanting to shop or go out to eat but we can't afford it makes me anxious

-the urge to want to stroll around the neighborhood is ruined by rain or ear infections which makes me anxious

- the thought of more microwaved green beans and baked chicken nuggets makes me lose my appetite

There comes a point in my week when I realize I haven't treated myself lately and I start to go stir crazy. And by treat myself I don't mean buying a new wardrobe or getting a pedicure. I mean looking around at the house and thinking "it's so nice when the floors don't have a colony of dust bunnies holding an auction for the escaped dryer sheet" or being able to go for a jog and not wondering who I am inconveniencing by not being at home.

I have friends that I don't get to see enough that I miss. I have books that I want to read that are stacked on my night stand. I have blank canvases at Hobby Lobby that long to feel wanted and be displayed. I have split ends that need to be swept up and put out with the trash. I have purple clover in my yard that needs to be cut... wait, that's not my job, thankfully.

My parents always told me, and yours did too I am sure, "just wait until you have kids, then you will watch your life fly by." I can see how there is truth to that. As a working mom I work hard all week M-F 5:30am till 6:30pm and then the weekend gets here and all I want to do is just be. Then a new week starts and you think, "ga, we are half way through February!?" My babies will be one year old in exactly 3 months. One year has gone by almost!? That is crazy. On my next birthday I will be 27. 27 is so not old but I can see the end of my 20's coming fast.

There is a heaviness that weighs on me keeping me from enjoying the small stuff and getting the big stuff done. I posted once this summer about "small tasks, big accomplishments" and found that it is a new season, same situation.

So now, I hit publish post, take the last sip of my cold coffee, get dressed and start doing the things that need to get done. You don't have to be a mom to comment here - what are some of the small task that feel like big accomplishments that you are needing to get done?

Pro Con Pro

2009-02-11T19:05:00.000-08:00

Gosh you know sometimes you just don't have anything to post. But here goes.

I'll start with a pro. The babies are doing well. 14 pounds each, rolling, laughing, playing on their tummies like crazy. Ear infections...a serious issue. Their premature small cranial structures are a breeding ground for bacteria which causes these infections we battle monthly. They are on their 5th or 6th antibiotic which is a blessing and a curse. We will probably be making an appt. with an ENT in the next 6 months to discuss the option of tubes. I had 5 or 6 sets of tubes and although my parents were worried I might have been deaf when I was a child but I made it... and so will they.

Con. Faculty meeting today was ... somber. Because of proration in the city of Montgomery 3 schools are definitely closing maybe 4 which means 600 kids are being dispersed into existing schools and 50-60 school personal will need to be hired. Which means all non-tenured teachers will not have renewed contracts. It was really disheartening to look around and see one teacher I work with 6 months pregnant wondering if she will have a job when she returns from her maternity leave. Another teacher is a husband and a father to children under the age of two. He, of course, is worried about not being hired back and having to switch to his wife's outrageous insurance premiums. My job, for now, is secure because I teach Special Ed. and even though I am very thankful for that my heart goes out to my coworkers who nerves are on edge with not knowing.

Pro. Instant brownies. Have you heard of these? Betty Crocker makes these little plastic bowls of brownies that you microwave for 1 minute 30 seconds and it's not bad. I had a sweet tooth that would not quit but wanted something quick so, Betty Crocker, kudos to you for making my life a little sweeter and my kitchen less of a hassle to clean up.

Con. My sweet little Ali needs a clipping in the worst way. She is dirty. She is matted in places, and well... she stank. But I just don't have $40 to spend at the Vet. She will have to wait until this Saturday when I can do it myself.

End on a Pro. THIS is AMERican IDOL!

Happy Wednesday all!

I Think This is Really Neat

2009-01-29T14:57:00.000-08:00

Last week Jackie was over and we got into a conversation about the art and science of photography. If you haven't ever really thought about the way a photograph works you should talk so someone who does or find out through research. The process is really really neat and it is really remarkable that someone figured out that we can capture an image on a piece of paper using this little box called a camera that works a lot like the human eye and the brain, chemicals, and light exposure.

Well, this morning I found a really neat article on the National Public Radio website. Keeping the Photography 101 course I had last week in mind, it was really mind blowing to see the quality of the images you are about to see from photos taken so long ago.

Also, what is even cooler to me about these WWII era photos is that they have been shown to us in color! I don't know about you, but when I think of "old times" I imagine them in black and white... because that is the only image we have of way back when. I can remember looking through my grandmother's old photographs and wondering what color the women's dresses were. I even asked my mom one time what color her dress in the photo from her childhood and being so shocked that what looked like gray was bright red! So it is really really neat to me to look through these pictures and really see that people "back then" lived in color!

Go to this website and then scroll down to "A Vibrant Past."

Post Not Meant to Call Anyone Out and Also, This Post is Kind of Inside Jokey, Or So I Thought.

2009-01-25T07:09:00.000-08:00

So last night I was having dinner with my favorite "their last name begins with L" friends. I needed some clarification on a topic that came up: the (querky) pet peeve of the Comic Sans font. So I asked this Comic Sans Hater, "what exactly is Comic Sans, I know it's a font, but what makes this font so annoying to you?"

I understand having pet peeves and annoyances about things like

people that drive 60 mph in the left lane
people that wear socks with their sandals
people that interrupt too much

But I had never heard of a pet peeve against... a font??? (Am I the only one here?)

Anyway, so I asked and what I got from the answer was that it was a font without the little marks on the ends of the letters. Ok, fine. I thought nothing more of this conversation for the rest of the night.

This morning. Sipping my coffee, watching Sopranos, wondering "what can I post what can I post" and the thought came to my mind, "google comic sans and see what happens." Apparently there are a LOT of Comic Sans Discussion going on out there... a lot. Here are a few that I thought were interesting.

Global curse, eh?

What's your stance on Comic Sans?

Church

2009-01-18T07:12:00.000-08:00

The great thing about being at home on a cold rainy Sunday with sick children and hot coffee is that God is here too. I don't have to be in a sanctuary to marvel at His miracles. I see them in the way H's perfect tiny fingers reach for the colorful music making toys that dangle above her head and the way that L is stretched out on her stomach in sleep so deep and peaceful that it makes me envy curling up in her white crib and listening to "rainforest" sounds. Watching my children, and remembering our time in the NICU, has the power to stop me in my tracks, tear up a little, and whisper, "Thank you Lord, thank you so much."

Saturday Night

2009-01-17T19:55:00.000-08:00

It is the weekend and it seems that we have reached the point of the decline of the RSV horrifics. L is having a hard time tonight but it only took H a day and a half through the worst part...L should be catching up. H is almost back to her sweet observant self. When she is well she is cool as a cucumber and checking things out. When L is well she is chatty and silly. Tonight, after L had been asleep for a couple of hours she woke back up (of course just as we sat down to eat supper) so we gave her a bottle and a breathing treatment, and some cuddles. She sat in my lap just shrieking and shrilling like she was telling me all sorts of things. Harper never budged. Hopefully tomorrow will start to look normal.

Nick and I split a bottle of Pinot Noir and he Top Cheffed a cuisine of Portabello Tortelline, break sticks with marinara, and a side of Cesar Salad. We have 4 episodes left of season 2 of The Sopranos.

Have I ever mentioned that somehow I manage to get into some of the greatest TV like 2-3 years after it has gone off of the air? Sex and the City - I fell in love with this show 2 years after it ended. Now, I have every episode on DVD and have watched the entire series at least 5 times through. This week we started The Sopranos and though I am enjoying (but wincing) the show I am pretty confident I won't be watching this one over and over.

Now the question on all of your minds: When will I commit to West Wing? Yea Yea... it's coming.

(Technically I have seen every episode of West Wing, subconsciously, since Nick has played 1-2 episodes before he goes to sleep EVERY night in bed since we have been married 3 year now. Occasionally, I will pop my head up when I hear a great tune i.e. New York Minute, Brothers in Arms, Hallelujah because it is hard to pass up peeping in on the some of the greatest episodes.)

Would also like to watch:

Grey's Anatomy

Friends

Mr. Ed

This Breaks My Heart

2009-01-16T10:50:00.000-08:00

Last year I bought the 20th anniversary Oprah DVD collection and cried while watching an old couple tell the story of how they met. He was a little boy held prisoner in a concentration camp during WWII; she was a little girl that passed by each day and tossed an apple over the fence to him. This went on for years until one day the little boy moved camps and they never saw each other again until after the war and they met again, recognized each other, and fell in love. Sound amazing and miraculous right!?

READ THIS

RSV

2009-01-15T08:12:00.000-08:00

There really isn't much on my mind lately except for

-aspirate

-nubulize

-feed

-aspirate

-nebulize

-feed

The babies have RSV. Wheezing, gagging, choking, and not sleeping. It is like having newborns again. But you know, it is a privelege to be the one to ease their pain, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health... when you say those vows to your spouse you are saying them by default to your children even if they aren't born yet.

Harper was diagnosed on Tuesday and Lily's symptoms are mimicking Harper's about a day behind. The Dr. said the virus will plateau at the worst stage for 3-4 days then start to taper off. I believe we are in the worst now so hopefully through the weekend it will get better. I didn't have the days to take off but I also did not have a choice. This virus is contagious but in adults shows up as the common cold so if Nick and/or get it it won't be as bad.

For now we are just waiting it out. Thanks for all of your words of encouragement and prayer.

In Response to Mush

2009-01-06T19:59:00.000-08:00

Even though I didn't make the list I am going to post on a related subject of how sometimes I feel like mush. And I am going to keep this short and simple. For me, Mush happens when I am knocked off a routine. I have an AMAZING schedule for work in which I leave the house at 7:15am and am home everyday by 4pm. I work 180 days out of a 365 day year and I don't have to ask for additional time off... I can take it when I need it and no one questions me about it. This is really great especially now that I am a mother.

But it happens at the end of every vacation I have ever had where I get antsy to go back to work. I get tired of looking for things to clean around the house, closets to organize, fighting the urges to snack, or beating myself up for the exercising I should be doing with all of this time off. I get to the point where I really need to go back to work and the routine of being a working mother in order to keep my sanity, confidence, and balance.

On Friday, when Nick and I had our date, we were driving to the mall to make an exchange and I said, "I feel so icky, almost depressed... I wonder why?" Then it dawned on me... I said out loud, "This is the first time I have left the house in 6 days!" We had been to Walmart on the Sunday before our date and since then every grocery, bank, starbucks, formula run was done by Nick. I have this thing when I am home with the girls that I AM HOME with them by their side playing with them, teaching them, or just watching them - because I know there is always a countdown to when I have to go back to work. And in those moments I don't want to leave but at the end of that chunk I scream inside, "Gaaaa I have got to get out!"

If there was a sudden windfall in our house and we could afford for me to quit my job to stay home with the babies I WOULD absolutely, hands down. But there would still be a couple of days a week or maybe three mornings where I would have them go to Mrs. Mim's house for them to play with her kids and so that I could do some of the things that I enjoy doing that help me feel balanced.

Feeling All Grown Up

2009-01-03T17:23:00.001-08:00

Do you ever have moments where you really feel grown up? Besides the obvious answers like buying a house or having a baby which are really grown up things we fall into. I'll give you an example.

Tonight I came inside from taking Ali outside and the house smelled like cornbread and home made squash casserole (leftovers from New Year's Day feast) and the scents of my childhood came rushing back to me. I have vivid memories of waking up from naps after school and volleyball practice and hearing pots and pans clanging downstairs and smelling whatever my mom was cooking for dinner. We had squash casserole often - a family favorite. So anyway, tonight as I smelled it in my own house it really made me realize that I am a grown up. I pay the bills, I feed my children and put them to bed, and I cook squash casserole.

A Date

2009-01-02T07:13:00.000-08:00

Today, the girls are at the sitter's house and Nick and I are spending the day together, not cleaning the house, not doing laundry, not balancing our checkbook but doing Nick's favorite thing... going out. We may start doing a little browsing at East Chase and then at noon we are seeing a movie. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. We were also interested in Valkyrie but I wanted to see a movie that I would not be asking a million questions throughout. Watching Band of Brothers has me very interested in the goings on of WWII but I have at least one question per scene and I want to see something that I can just enjoy. After the movie we will be dining on sushi at Street Cafe thanks to the gift card we received for Christmas from my stepmom.

Nick and I haven't had a date in months and have felt the tension of cabin fever lately since we have been on vacation but restricted to the home as babies with colds do not really permit going out and about so easily. Tonight Bama plays in a Bowl Game so that will make for good entertainment as well.

So far my resolutions have been followed through with pretty well. My overall resolution was really to stop sweating the small stuff and congratulate myself in making small, baby steps, if you will, toward wellness each day. So, cheers!, to being with the one I love today and out time together as a couple!

New Year's Day

2009-01-01T07:07:00.001-08:00

Today I will spend the day with Nick and Jason and the babies eating soul food:

Jason's cornbread, turnip greens, black eyed peas and my boiled corn on the cob and homemade squash casserole. Yum! We will be starting the complete series of Band of Brothers and hopefully finishing it today too.

What wonderful weather to start 2009. Sunny, cool, windy. I am watching the Today show right now and noticing the projected fashion trends for 2009... all up and down the streets of New York are gals in their beau's blue jeans. Katie Holmes was spotted wearing Tom's "skinny" jeans with the bottom of each leg folded up to make a big wide cuff. If you have ever tried on your hunny's jeans you may be boosted in confidence in how easy they fall down OR, like me, you may envy your hunny's trimm(er) waist and feel just how vastly different the male and female shape is! Just a little fun tid bit for all of you out there too sexy for your own jeans.

That is about all I have for now. I need to go clean up the kitchen before we get in there with our sleeves rolled up. I always picture Gordon Ramsey standing over my shoulder when I prep the kitchen and how unacceptable grease splatter marks and non-sparkling cutting boards are when aspiring to be a Top Chef (cross TV show references here).

How are you spending your New Year's Day?

Happy New Year

2008-12-31T03:13:00.000-08:00

This post mentioned "time" - me time, us time, alone time, our time, whatever you want to call it. And the thing about time is that once you have kids, you still get that alone time... just at very odd hours.

Like this morning, New Year's Eve, I woke up at 3:57a.m. to the sound of a screaming child. Eventually I ended up offering this child a bottle and she went back to sleep but there I was sitting on the couch wide awake at 4:15a.m. Now, I went to bed at 9 last night, which by the way, does NOT happen very often so I felt very rested and actually kind of giddy to curl up on the couch with a cup of hot coffee, a single sheet of monogrammed note paper for making a list, and the funny Dave Sedaris book that everyone has read except me, Me Talk Pretty One Day.

So I am thinking about my New Year's Resolutions and I am not going to make a huge deal about them but I will list a few little phrases that keep streaming through my conscious:

-pray more, like maybe 3 minutes every morning, first thing. That doesn't sound like a long time but I am talking about real uninterrupted prayer in the still of the morning.

-eat smaller portions taking smaller bites, with smaller utensils, have you ever seen how huge our silverware is?

-take more walks and lift weights, start yoga or pilates not just to be a part of the trend but to feel good

-do something nice for others, volunteer, donate money to a charity, invite my neighbor over for dinner

-get off the gossip train at work, how petty and ridiculous is gossip? mind my own business

-read more, a book a month?

-do more creative things, paint, write letters instead of emails, make a card for someone instead paying for one

-use my China and crystal a lot more, like maybe Sunday dinners.

-make a bigger deal about people's birthdays

I think that is about it for now. It is a good starting point at least. I am sure that more resolutions will be born as the year progresses. Oh, and I have this really cool square, fat, leathery journal, like the size of a stack of coasters, and each time I do something that falls into these goals I am going to write it down so I can look back over the pages this time next year and feel pretty good (or bad) about how much I stuck to my resolutions.

Oh and did you notice my blog banner and title updates? Why not? I hate the way this sounds but my blog isn't only about my precious babies anymore so I did a little changeroo... Look in the background of the picture, see that China plate? Does posting this picture count as using my China for the first time in 2009?

Keh

2008-12-29T14:43:00.000-08:00

The other night, Jason posted about some of the highs and lows in 2008 and his expectations for 2009. In his post he wrote about his grandmother who past away this year. I was so moved by that section that I decided to do the same and share some of my favorite memories with my beloved grandmother who passed away in May of 2006.

Her name was Laura Kelly. I was named after her. She forbade my sister and me to call her anything "Grand-" so we called her by her middle name. Except, when you are two years old words don't come out right and "Kelly" was pronounced "Keh" and the name stuck our whole lives. Keh lived in the same house she was born in Hayneville, AL her whole life, except for a few years she lived and worked in Birmingham when she was employed by the Board of Education. My sister and I loved, I mean really loved, going to spend the night with Keh. Her house was full of old knick knacks that she let us be free to explore. One of our favorite games to play was "train station." Mere and I would used ticket stubs from the laundry mat and an old gadgety stamp that made this wonderful ching noise when you pushed down to mark the day of the week and date. I also loved to play salon with Keh. She would let me put curlers in her hair and bright red Elizabeth Arden lipstick on her until it ran out. She would also let us wear her satin nightgowns to bed when we stayed. We slept in my mother's room under an electric blanket that smelled like powder and moth balls.

She would wake up at 4 in the morning when it was still dark outside and sit at the kitchen table drinking coffee and smoking Pall Mall 100's. Her kitchen always smelled delicious - like hickory smoked bacon, hot grease, and cigarettes. She let us help her cook but when it came time to eat the portions she gave to us seemed so small. Once when I was in 6th grade she pinched the back of my chubby arm and told me I eat too much. It hurt my feelings but I loved her so much that it was easy to forgive her instantly. My grandfather, "Big Daddy," was a quiet man. He was a WWII veteran who "never was the same" after he served 4 years in Europe. My mother has the box of letters he would write to her all of the years he was away before he came home and they got married. I remember thinking how cool it was that my grandfather had been to the Fiji Islands and had spelled out the word "Fiji" in bold letters across the telegram so secretly tell her where he was without breaking any rules about giving away the military's locations during their mission. Another reason "Fiji" was cool was because it was the place you could be thinking of to stump your class mates during a game of Mapquest... no one ever knew where Fiji was because it was this little tiny island off the coast of Japan or Australia, I'm not sure. Big Daddy always let us tuck him in bed at night and would give dollar bills and a stick of Juicy Fruit gum as party favors when it was time to go home. And Coke Classic was always served in a glasses with a few cubes of ice and sweat around the glass, makes my mouth water just thinking about it.

Keh would walk us down a dirt road behind the house the led to the family cemetary. She showed us her mother's grave, her siblings graves, and I distinctly remember seeing a tiny headstone with a cracked blue angel sitting on top and thinking to myself, "babies die?" We would also pick up pecans and carry them in our t-shirts and shell them when we got home. One day walking back to the house I stood up from bending over to pick up nuts and saw a black man riding bareback on a huge black horse. He tipped his hat to us and probably said something like "hi how are ya?" my grandmother said something like "fine just fine" and my sister and I still laugh about my response looking back up at him, "Whoa..." was all I said. I don't think I had ever seen anything so random and so huge and a big black man on a big black horse just walking down this country dirt road.

Keh lived to be 89 and up until the last 48 hours of her life she was comfortable and completely sane. Nick and I went and visited her at Baptist East one afternoon. I took socks to her because she complained about being cold at night. The next afternoon Mama called me at 9 at night and said, "She's gone." I knew that she wouldn't live forever but nothing can prepare you to lose someone so special as a grandparent... especially someone so perfect that was responsible for so many treasured memories.

One last thing about my memories of Keh... and I always think about this one at Christmas time. For all of the years of my youth Keh would come to Montgomery for Christmas dinner. When I got to be college aged and she was too blind to drive my sister and I would ride to Hayneville to see her. While we waited at the red light at the intersection where Hwy. 82 meets the Southern Blvd. and I65 South, I would roll down the window and give a plate of hot biscuits and sausage to the homeless people under the bridge. We never felt threatened. We felt good about it because while they couldn't be with anyone in a house on Christmas, at least they had a hot breakfast that day. Keh was glad we did it because she wouldn't have eaten all that food anyway. So I miss doing that too.

I have her old furniture and a diamond ring that she left me. She made it to my wedding but I hate, really hate, that she didn't get to meet Harper and Lily. At least I have the family cemetary to go back to see her. Maybe next Christmas we will go see her and take hot biscuits and sausage just in case someone needs a hot meal.

Advice Works...

2008-12-27T15:11:00.000-08:00

When you are a parent and you ask for help you get a lot of helpful hints and a lot of "trust your gut" advice... the best you can do is hope that your decision a.) is a combination of both and b.) works.

I was getting a little agitated (to say the least) at how fussy and angry the babies getting as the days went on especially at night time. Many of you have heard and SEEN how upset they would get starting at 6 until about 9... especially if Nick was out of town. After having lunch with one of my favorite moms yesterday and swapping notes and comparisons of our babies days we concluded that my babies crankiness has been due to OVERTIREDNESS. I guess because they aren't "newborn" anymore I just assumed that meant that naps were a done deal and cribs were only for bed time. Boy was I wrong. After just one day of intentional napping my babies are entirely different. I'll start with yesterday's afternoon nap in bed at 3 till 4. Bottle at 5, bath at 6, bed at 6:30 - NO CRYING. This morning they woke up on their own at 7 and had bottles at 7:15, played on the floor until 8:45 when I noticed that Harper was drowsy and sucking her thumb. I scooped her up to go and rock and she immediately started fussing - so I put her in her crib and she was out in literally 2 minutes for about an hour. Lily went to bed about 20 minutes later and they slept until 10. Bottle at 10:30, played until 11:45, napped in bed from 12 till 1:30, bottle at 2, Target from 2:30-3:30, bottle at 4, watching TV from 4:30 till now 5:19. Bottle will be at 6, bath at 6:30 then bed. Fingers crossed they will go down as easy as last night.

I had no idea that napping frequently in BED during the day would be so healthy. Before yesterday I would think, "keep them up during they day or they won't sleep at night" - so far from the truth.

SO THANKS! all you moms who commented and consoled. I can breathe easy knowing that they are happier on this revised nap,eat,play,nap schedule.

My mom always says, "we didn't know about schedules when we were bringin' y'all up" or "we didn't have Bumbo seats when we were bringin' y'all up." Does anyone else's mom say that sort of thing?

PLUS between H&L they ate an entire jar of baby green beans!

Christmas Wrap Up

2008-12-26T06:30:00.000-08:00

Well it's a good thing that every year I say, "This was the best Christmas ever."

Christmas Eve my dad, his new wife, and my younger siblings came over for heavy appetizers and gift swap. Nick and I were giving off of a very very small budget... actually we didn't budget for Christmas because there simply isn't any money in the account for anything other than the bills which has to last until January 31st. (still in the mess of not getting paid during my maternity leave.) We used gift cards and cash received from our anniversary to buy relatives "something" to open because we knew they would have something for us and the girls - oh and because it is the season of giving right? (post to come about this - the New Year Resolution post). I explained that this year would be our "freebie" Christmas of giving a framed picture of the twins - something everyone wants and needs right!? I vow to sock away some cash every month until next Christmas to cover the cost and to make a bigger deal of birthdays this year because the truth is I really do like giving gifts (who doesn't like receiving) but when it all adds up cost wise and you realize you just don't have it it can steal the joy. So I really appreciate everyone for being so grateful for what little we could give.

Christmas morning the M's came by for breakfast and gifting followed by Nick and my first holiday meal at our dining table using our china, crystal, and silver. I must say we did do a really good job. Pork tenderloin, squash casserole, green bean casserole, mac and cheese, rolls, and carrots (still full). By 2pm the house was quiet again and Nick, the babies, and I cuddled up on our bed to watch, Finding Nemo. Random I know but we wanted something animated, colorful, and longer than thirty minutes in case we were able to sneak in a snooze. About that time my sister and mama called to ask it it was alright to come by for a little while, "Absolutely" was my exact response. Short and sweet describes their visit but I'll take what I can get. We had to miss their official celebration the night of Christmas because with two infant babies it just isn't practical to be away from home anytime after 6pm.

Favorite gifts?

-my very own copy of Harper Lee's To Kill a Mockingbird

- a two stranded bracelet with beads spelling out Harper and Lily

- a Lavender and Vanilla oil burner

- one pink Bumbo seat, one purple Bumbo seat - now maybe the girls can really be on their way to actual gross motor milestones like sitting up.

When we will take down the tree?

-probably tomorrow. I think that this Christmas went by faster than any other Christmas before. It really does seem like yesterday we were putting it up. The question on everyone's mind... where will the couches go NOW?

Today

- lunch at Chappy's with the Huntingdon crew

- visit from my childhood friend visiting from DC

Next point/question:

Does anyone ever get the "blues" after a day like Christmas, especially when it is so gray out? It seems like mentally I KNOW there is no reason to be blue but it's like, when all of the hype and commercialism goes away it can be a real spiritual test to keep the meaning of the season in your heart and efforts. It is 9 am now, the day after, and the babies are playing on the floor, Nick is snoozing on the couch (of course) and I am on the porch with the dregs of Christmas Blend and I just feel like there is nothing to "do." We really must take more advantage of the double stroller and blessing of "off time" instead of feeling like, "now what?" I sound like a kid sad that the Disney trip is over instead of ecstatic of the fact that we got to go. I have always been this way... I have always enjoyed anticipation more than the outcome. It is not because my expectations aren't met, they were exceeded this year and every year, but I guess that the gloom of "back to the grindstone" sets in and as the mommy it is my job to keep things interesting, clean, and happy. You know what I mean?

Also, I hear stories and see pictures of other babies our kids' age (and younger) and am reminded that they are ... behind. I was told to expect this but it just makes me kind of sad. They are 7 months old now, not rolling over, not sitting up, not eating baby foods, and have laughed once. I am ready to be able to chase them and giggle with them and read to them without them dozing off or squirming to lay on the floor and look at things. I feel this guilt like it is my responsibility to get them to accomplish these milestones. I feel like there is more that I could be doing to help them but then I know that there are other babies FAR less stimulated and loved on than mine and they turn out and grow up. Isn't there some sort of preemie mom counseling or literature that could help me out and give me some peace of mind?

(I promise there wasn't a pea under my mattress last night, I am just being honest)

Signing off now... about to go intervene on the snooze fest and rally for some tummy time!

Merry Christmas, be thinking of some resolutions to share! I am jotting and journaling a few of my own.

Ok Moms More Questions for you...

2008-12-23T06:54:00.000-08:00

It is the day before Christmas Eve and Harper has a really really gross runny nose ( I am being polite since what I really want to say is really snotty nose). She slept from, what did we say 8:42pm last night until 6:45 this morning. I changed her diaper and then brought her into our sunlit den and realized her nose was almost completely sealed shut from dried... you know. So I ran some hot water and moistened a rag and went for the ole' nasal aspirator -which she hates.... but y'all I am not kidding I aspirated so much mucous I don't know even how to give you an accurate description. I aspirated A LOT of clear yellowy mucous. NO fever, NO decrease in appetite, no real mood changes. WTEFY book says there is nothing you can do for a common cold except hope it doesn't get worse.

So here was on the 23rd of December and my message to the phone nurse started something like this, "I know it is the day before Christmas Eve and I know this doesn't sound like an emergency, but...."

I really don't want to have a miserable feverish baby on Christmas with no options other than the emergency room.

Welcome to parenthood in Winter!

Does all of this go away in Summer?

Crying it Out

2008-12-22T18:41:00.000-08:00

is it child neglect to put your babies down at 5:30p.m. (because they fall asleep in your arms) then again at 6 (after rocking and falling asleep) then again at 6:30 (after a bedtime story) then again at 7 (more rocking) then between 7:30 and 8:42 let them scream their heads off in their beds because they aren't hungry, they ARE tired, and you just don't know what to do?

We go through these periods where H&L go down so easy, bottle, rock, bam, asleep all is right with the world and then all of a sudden we will go through a week or two when the children cannot me consoled. I wonder if they are about to cut teeth because not matter how many bottles we offer their hands are in their mouths but they do not want pacifiers.

Tonight is the first night I said, "Let's let 'em cry it out" and it is... painful. Lily cries so hard she gags and Harper does this cooing trembling cry that breaks my heart. Everything I have read says that when a baby reaches 4 months they have to learn to soothe themselves and put themselves to sleep and to run and pick up every time she cries is only teaching her that crying works. We have the sleeping through the night thing down. ONCE they are out they are our for 10-12 hours. It is the getting to sleep that seems hard... NO... it is staying alseep once you put them in the bed. They can be OUT COLD in my arms but the minute they touch the mattress the eyes POP open and screaming competition begins.

Tonight I put them in bed for the last time at 8:30pm and let them cry it out. It is 8:44 and they are quiet but the crying went on for about 2 hours. (No it is NOT colic, I am sure).

150th Post

2008-12-20T06:49:00.000-08:00

Doesn't 150 posts sound significant? Like I have really made a commitment to something and stuck with it. There are 150 other things that I wish that I cold commit to accomplishing 150 times!

Today is Saturday and the first day of my two week Christmas break. I have never been so excited about a break as I am about this one probably because I have never had children on Christmas before. LAST Christmas day I was 6 or 7 weeks pregnant (I think) and I distinctly remember sitting down at the dinner table at my parent's house, taking two bites, and running to the restroom to throw up (morning sickness). Later that week as we traveled to St. Louis to celebrate New Years with Nick's family I had a similar but MUCH WORSE episode at Aunt Nancy's house.

Work Christmas party last night. Nothing to say about it other than the wings were delicious and I won one of my favorite things in Dirty Santa: shower gel, lotion, and bath salts (no body splash :(

Today we will be at home and hopefully get a few chores done. My sister and her friend plan on coming by to deliver Christmas gifts and then at two I have a haircut. Have I ever mentioned that I LOVE haircuts. Some gals like shoes, or purses, I love haircuts. The minute I realize I need one I am pretty obsessed the thought of it until my appointment is made and I am sitting there. I was lucky to get an appt. today. Thinking about going for my regular short angled bob then maybe letting it grow out again.

The babies are playing on the floor next to the Christmas tree. Lily is stuck in a half roll and making a very funny grunting sound. Ali keeps standing in between both of them giving them kisses and wiggling her little tail in the way a dog does when they are excited but know they are about to get in trouble, and Harper is screaching - not screaming as an infant does when unhappy, but screaching - making high shrilled noises just to hear herself talk.

Wouldn't a Christmas tree be the most beautiful and enchanting thing young eyes have ever seen?

Things that make you go Ahhh

2008-12-18T18:13:00.000-08:00

Well I am sitting here trying to think of something to write and I looked at the coffee table in front of me. On that table is a new package of baby wipes... yes wipes. Not just any baby wipes, "calming" baby wipes.

Really? so it is the WIPES that calms the screaming baby, or in my case babies? not the bottle, the paci, the kisses and hugs? WIPES?

oh ok. Glad I cleared that up for myself.

Happy 7 months Babies!

2008-12-15T19:01:00.001-08:00

Lily 6 1/2 months old, 12 pounds

Harper 6 1/2 months old, 11 1/2 pounds

Harper trying to raise her little head up

Lily on her jungle gym

Harper swinging and giving a very pitiful look to me

My baby girls, 6 1/2 months old, Lily on the left, Harper on the right

Dr. visit today and the girls turned 7 months old. Their eyes, ears, and lungs were all reported perfect today! Lily weighed 12.8 and Harper weighed 12.1. They are cooing and screaching so much during the day and early evening. They love the Christmas tree and watching the lights as they eat their nightie bottle. Also, we picked up a Baby Einstein DVD this weekend, "Mozart", and they seem to really enjoy it as well. I do not want to be a parent who lets their kids watch TV all day everyday but at this stage of development when they aren't rolling or crawling yet and don't want to be held all of the time (nor do they need to be held all the time) I feel that a 20 minute video twice a day is acceptable. Once, in the morning after bottles as I get ready for work and then once at night after their afternoon snack bottle as a "wind down" activity. Other than that I really like for them to "play" on a blanket with rattles and other toys and of course each other or swing and watch me do something like cook or clean - use every opportunity and task as a "language teaching" time!!!

Sunday afternoon we went to a NICU reunion/Christmas party at Baptist East. It was really really neat to see and visit with other families that we met during our NICU days. Everyone was very excited to see how much H&L have grown. It was really amazing to see other babies that I remember being so tiny or so covered up by chords and tubes in normal clothes and "filled out" as we refer to preemies that have gained weight well! Also, it was nice to see the mommies - I told N last night that it dawned on me that another good reason for a reunion is because you never really say "goodbye" to other NICU families... they are there one minute (or month, or two) and then just gone. Like us, no one really sticks around to say goodbyes to the other families... a few hugs to the doctors and nurses and then you are getting your babies and getting out of there. Also, when you meet a woman for the first time who has just given birth and then been told her baby has to go to ICU, she doesn't exactly look her best. Myself included. So it was very nice and refreshing to see all of the happy HEALTHY mommies back on their feet and dressed and GLOWING that new mommy glow.

That's about it for now on the baby updates! Keep checking in! Would love to hear from you.